CookieMarie Member Profile

...See more I think I may have borderline personality disorder, but I'm so confused. It explains what's wrong with me better than what my autism diagnoses does, but what if I'm just being stupid? I can relate to other peoples experiences with this disorder but I'm scared to find out for myself incase my parents don't believe me and turn against me or I'm forced to admit to something I'm ashamed of. Does any of this even sound like this disorder? My problems are way more 'internal' than they are external, except when I'm pulling my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs because someone said something set me off. I hate myself so much, I love and care for someone one moment and then the next I hate their guts and never want to see them again and I'm just repulsed by them in general for no god damn reason. I've had one person who I feel constantly attached to and they even look at any other person I get so upset and rude towards them but a few minutes or the day later I'm back to normal. I try to disappear on people for a while because of how much I'm getting annoyed of them until they eventually start getting pissed at me and I get scared they've had enough of me and come back crying like a toddler that just had a tantrum or I get even more mad at them and it escalates into a fight. Whatever's wrong with me, it's draining me so much and I'm sure it's hurting the people I am or have been close with. I don't even know if what I'm experiencing is even remotely like borderline personality disorder, maybe I'm just a toxic asshole. I have done things I am ashamed of to keep people close to me, it's made me so paranoid and i'm anxiety ridden 24/7. I've had panic attacks over thinking I'm going blind because of what I'm doing, or that I'm going to go deaf and I've woken up in the middle of the night thinking I'm dead with no one but to blame but myself. One second I'm ready to choke a person out or I'm completely happy and cheerful, the next I'm just empty and want to crawl into bed and cry the day away. I don't know what's wrong. Should I even try and go for a diagnoses or is this nothing even like borderline personality disorder?

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