I'm so confused
I think I may have borderline personality disorder, but I'm so confused. It explains what's wrong with me better than what my autism diagnoses does, but what if I'm just being stupid? I can relate to other peoples experiences with this disorder but I'm scared to find out for myself incase my parents don't believe me and turn against me or I'm forced to admit to something I'm ashamed of.
Does any of this even sound like this disorder?
My problems are way more 'internal' than they are external, except when I'm pulling my hair out and screaming at the top of my lungs because someone said something set me off. I hate myself so much, I love and care for someone one moment and then the next I hate their guts and never want to see them again and I'm just repulsed by them in general for no god damn reason. I've had one person who I feel constantly attached to and they even look at any other person I get so upset and rude towards them but a few minutes or the day later I'm back to normal. I try to disappear on people for a while because of how much I'm getting annoyed of them until they eventually start getting pissed at me and I get scared they've had enough of me and come back crying like a toddler that just had a tantrum or I get even more mad at them and it escalates into a fight.
Whatever's wrong with me, it's draining me so much and I'm sure it's hurting the people I am or have been close with. I don't even know if what I'm experiencing is even remotely like borderline personality disorder, maybe I'm just a toxic asshole. I have done things I am ashamed of to keep people close to me, it's made me so paranoid and i'm anxiety ridden 24/7. I've had panic attacks over thinking I'm going blind because of what I'm doing, or that I'm going to go deaf and I've woken up in the middle of the night thinking I'm dead with no one but to blame but myself.
One second I'm ready to choke a person out or I'm completely happy and cheerful, the next I'm just empty and want to crawl into bed and cry the day away. I don't know what's wrong.
Should I even try and go for a diagnoses or is this nothing even like borderline personality disorder?
@CookieMarie
Hi Marie! First of all, a warm welcome here to you 
I am glad you have joined our subcommunity, and I hope you will find the support you are looking for. If there is anything I may be able to help you with, please do not hesitate to ask.
I am sorry you are feeling so confused, it must be very difficult and painful for you. What you describe does resemble some of the symptoms of BPD. Here you can find some information about this. However, as you seem to know already, a personality disorder cannot be self-diagnosed.
Whatever it is, if it is causing you distress, and it seems like it does, I personally believe that you do deserve to have it addressed...
I hear you saying that you are scared of your parents' reaction, and I am sorry for this. It is certainly not easy to feel like you may lack their support... You also mention a sense of shame: while this feeling is valid in itself, I really want to tell you that even if you were one day to have BPD diagnosed, there is nothing to be ashamed of Such a diagnosis would only be one of a million little things that define you as a person.
I hope these few words of mine can help you a little bit.