Daz93 Member Profile

...See more It's been three years since my ex crushed me. I honestly thought she was the one. I offered everything of myself to my detriment. How things ended caused me an indescribable amount of pain and anxiety, I grieved as if a loved one died, to the extent that to my shame, I was sent to a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD after my manager noticed my work performance take a nosedive and the countless panic attacks that I had to hide in bathrooms until resolved. During that period it was the first and last time I cried in front of my sister in that way. I fear there are parts of me that I'll never get back. I have not been able to sleep properly since, relying on sleeping pills or weed to get more than a solid 4 hrs, even now it's close to 6am and I have not been able to sleep. I can no longer feel romantic love, just nothingness when I know I should feel something, like scar tissue that's healed over but numb to the touch. I still feel echoes of the pain from time to time, but it's not unbearable anymore, almost like a cautionary reminder from the past, sitting in my chest lest I forget. One of the ways it used to be important for me to show affection to my partner, was through sensual acts and sex. It was an important aspect for me to make sure my partner was satisfied sexually, I used to take an immense pleasure in ensuring that, in large part to show how much I appreciated my partner. Now sex is an urge that needs to be fulfilled from time to time. I can no longer find joy in the act, and making my parter *** is simply a responsibility. Familial love is the only love I feel at this stage, but even that is muted. If I had to give it a figure, I would say it's 20% love, 80% duty to make sure my kin are looked after because I know they are the only ones who love me unconditionally. Family still means everything to me, even though the motives and emotions behind it have changed. To be clear I have no children of my own, I'm talking about my blood kin. Fair to say I've been disillusioned with the idea of a fairy tale love; fate or destiny. I no longer trust modern day women with my heart, not that there seems to be much to give anymore. I feel irreconcilably damaged and incomplete. Time does not in fact seem to be able to heal all wounds. Some things cannot be put back together, but I'm tired of feeling nothing. I've lost so much of myself. I don't know what I expect from this. Perhaps venting in this manner will prove to be cathartic. Maybe knowing someone has read this might provide some small comfort.

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

Hello, I’m Heather. 😊👋🏼 I’m here to provide a warm, safe, and...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio