Dead inside
It's been three years since my ex crushed me. I honestly thought she was the one. I offered everything of myself to my detriment. How things ended caused me an indescribable amount of pain and anxiety, I grieved as if a loved one died, to the extent that to my shame, I was sent to a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD after my manager noticed my work performance take a nosedive and the countless panic attacks that I had to hide in bathrooms until resolved. During that period it was the first and last time I cried in front of my sister in that way.
I fear there are parts of me that I'll never get back. I have not been able to sleep properly since, relying on sleeping pills or weed to get more than a solid 4 hrs, even now it's close to 6am and I have not been able to sleep. I can no longer feel romantic love, just nothingness when I know I should feel something, like scar tissue that's healed over but numb to the touch. I still feel echoes of the pain from time to time, but it's not unbearable anymore, almost like a cautionary reminder from the past, sitting in my chest lest I forget.
One of the ways it used to be important for me to show affection to my partner, was through sensual acts and sex. It was an important aspect for me to make sure my partner was satisfied sexually, I used to take an immense pleasure in ensuring that, in large part to show how much I appreciated my partner. Now sex is an urge that needs to be fulfilled from time to time. I can no longer find joy in the act, and making my parter *** is simply a responsibility.
Familial love is the only love I feel at this stage, but even that is muted. If I had to give it a figure, I would say it's 20% love, 80% duty to make sure my kin are looked after because I know they are the only ones who love me unconditionally. Family still means everything to me, even though the motives and emotions behind it have changed. To be clear I have no children of my own, I'm talking about my blood kin.
Fair to say I've been disillusioned with the idea of a fairy tale love; fate or destiny. I no longer trust modern day women with my heart, not that there seems to be much to give anymore. I feel irreconcilably damaged and incomplete. Time does not in fact seem to be able to heal all wounds. Some things cannot be put back together, but I'm tired of feeling nothing. I've lost so much of myself.
I don't know what I expect from this. Perhaps venting in this manner will prove to be cathartic. Maybe knowing someone has read this might provide some small comfort.
I wanted to let you know that i did read this and I'm terribly sorry that you were treated so badly.
You may feel broken right now but i promise you that you will not be broken forever. You are strong and smart and it is normal to feel this way after a huge loss such as this.
I believe that you are a good person and one day in the future when you're ready, you will find a person who is grateful to have you. They will treat you wonderfully and make you happy. You may even have a family (if that is what you want of course).
I know it seems impossible to think about that right now and right now is too soon. Please treat yourself with the respect and kindness you deserve and know that you didn't deserve to be treated that way. Give yourself time to heal and someday it will be better. It can't stay the same forever.
My grandfather used to tell me when i was young, that during the hardest times in his life when he thought he would never get through he would say, "This Too Shall Pass". It reminded him that just as good things end, so do the bad things.
I hope this can offer you some solis and give you a little bit of hope. Don't give up yet.
@Daz93
I went through something mostly like this many years ago. People can talk about it, but I don't think many understand just how amplified and intense the emotions can be for people like us, and it's like everything is broken and numb when it comes crashing down.
So, how did I make it? Man, I dunno, for a long while, I really didn't. On the other hand, looking back on it, I feel like I was connecting all of my joy to her, just because I was experiencing it with her. Truthfully though, that joy was foremost my own personal experience. I slowly stopped missing her.
In the end, I have so many things I'd like to apologize to her for, but ultimately, bot everything was all my fault. She couldn't keep up with me then, and she definitely couldn't now. So, reflecting on it, I missed out on a lot because I was so fixated... It was the biggest waste of time. I was in so much pain that I got myself medicated, and as a consequence, I remember very little of that time besides the pain.
I really don't know what to say about trusting. I've let girls in since then and they've all let me down spectacularly. It never hurt nearly as bad again, but I don't really trust much either. I don't like defining relationships anymore, it just is what it is. That bothers some people, but I just tell them "life is messy".
My advice is just something that worked for me, it may or may not be for you... But it's "pick up momentum". I'd suggest trying to seriously work on something, like getting in good shape, or getting better at cooking... learning a language... Anything really, just as long as progress is always happening. After that, explore and ask questions... Flesh out unexpected interests and really find out what the world means to you. This is vague advice, but it's all I've got. Ultimately, it's possible to stack your conscious mind with interests and progress, and things start feeling less painful and more fun.
But if that doesn't work either, just know that you're not alone. This kind of healing takes time, and if you feel like you're being torn apart, just remember that it doesn't last forever.
