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DeadWords
164 M Embraced 1
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2022 Member sinceDecember 19, 2020
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Feeling a little lost. 

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A stranger's thoughts
Journals & Diaries / by DeadWords
Last post
 December 24th, 2020
...See more Disability. One word with a lot of heavy letters. I feel hope draining out of me and taunting me from around the corner. The depression is so bad sometimes I can't get out of bed. I will do anything to just not think. I cry and while I tell people it's for no reason the truth is the reasons are so many and so big I just don't have the want or energy to explain. If explaining made me feel any better that would be one thing but it doesn't. I don't know why it came to this, and I don't know why it took me so long to accept it. Disabled. I feel like every dream I ever had was a lie. It's so hard to wrap my head around I would rather hide from trying. I'm on the crisis line every other day, but they can't help me. I found a place that can but it costs so much money. Money SSI wouldn't even halfway cover if I qualify for it. Why does qualifying have to be such a stupid process? They won't look at any of my symptoms unless they deny me and then I appeal and reapply. Why? Wouldn't it all be easier if they just looked at all the information upfront then decided? Even if they denied me then at least I would only be waiting a couple months to know where I stand. I feel so often like I can't do this anymore, life like this anymore. But then I get up eventually and go through the steps, and make it far enough to feel like maybe I've tricked myself into thinking I'm disabled and really I can take on things just like everyone else. I feel silly but determined and soon enough my disability shows and things blow up and I feel guilty and terrible and like a failure all over again. I know I am not the only one, I know there are people worse off, I know that ending it all doesn't solve anything, I know I must keep going no matter what. Sometimes it's just hard and I don't want to, you know?
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