A stranger's thoughts
Disability.
One word with a lot of heavy letters. I feel hope draining out of me and taunting me from around the corner. The depression is so bad sometimes I can't get out of bed. I will do anything to just not think. I cry and while I tell people it's for no reason the truth is the reasons are so many and so big I just don't have the want or energy to explain. If explaining made me feel any better that would be one thing but it doesn't. I don't know why it came to this, and I don't know why it took me so long to accept it.
Disabled.
I feel like every dream I ever had was a lie. It's so hard to wrap my head around I would rather hide from trying. I'm on the crisis line every other day, but they can't help me. I found a place that can but it costs so much money. Money SSI wouldn't even halfway cover if I qualify for it. Why does qualifying have to be such a stupid process? They won't look at any of my symptoms unless they deny me and then I appeal and reapply. Why? Wouldn't it all be easier if they just looked at all the information upfront then decided? Even if they denied me then at least I would only be waiting a couple months to know where I stand.
I feel so often like I can't do this anymore, life like this anymore. But then I get up eventually and go through the steps, and make it far enough to feel like maybe I've tricked myself into thinking I'm disabled and really I can take on things just like everyone else. I feel silly but determined and soon enough my disability shows and things blow up and I feel guilty and terrible and like a failure all over again. I know I am not the only one, I know there are people worse off, I know that ending it all doesn't solve anything, I know I must keep going no matter what.
Sometimes it's just hard and I don't want to, you know?
Sometimes I think about him and her, and I think
What makes me so special?
And he says "Somethings aren't about you at all"
And I wonder then
Why do they keep happening to me then?
Why the lies, is what I wonder not the cheating. I don't particularly like myself I can understand why he'd want to be with someone else. It is why he lied about it and made me feel insane for asking, for worrying, for being upset that I don't understand. It is why did I have to find out right before Christmas, and because I came home early and he was passed out drunk. And he then was so sure I was going to leave, so sure he just went blank and said it as though there was nothing to fight for.
Then he told me he wanted us, and that it was all him and discarded her. Told me none of it was my fault, and it was a problem with him. He had to push me away, do the worst thing he possibly could, he broke down into tears sobbing. But all I can keep wondering is
Why?
Sometimes I think about him and her, and I think about me and him, and I think about ending my life, and I think about me and life, and I think to myself about all the things that supposedly have nothing to do with me but have occurred to me or during my existence along my path and I wonder who can I talk to if not him?
So here I am just emptying these words out into the echo of a universe unending. And they probably have nothing to do with me, Do they?
