DeniYden Member Profile

...See more Hey there. I’m not really sure what to do with myself right now. So Im just going to rant for a little and hope I don’t annoy anyone. I have this terrible habit of getting drunk and getting into my car and driving. I’ve been in more accidents than I can count. I just bought my dream car, a brand new Jeep Wrangler, I put about half down which I’d been saving for the last three or so years and financed the rest, I’ve had it since late july…I crashed it last night. I knew I had a problem drinking and driving but I really thought I had learned my lesson and that this new car would be an extra push to not do it anymore. I was wrong. It’s like the thought of taking an uber, asking a friend to drive me home, gosh even sleeping in my car, doesn’t even occur to me. Those options are nonexistent when I’m drunk. It’s like the only option my brain can formulate is getting into my car and driving home. I’m so disappointed in myself. And angry. I know it’s just a car and that I should be happy I’m alive and that I didn’t hurt anyone, which I am —with all the accidents I’ve been in I thank god that I’ve never hurt someone, but that car wasn’t just a car to me. It was a symbol of all of my hard work and dedication. I’ve never thought I had a drinking problem until I asked myself, If something that important to me isn’t enough to keep me in line then….what is? I always thought that is wasn’t necessarily a drinking problem, it’s just the things I do when I drink. But I’m starting to really doubt who I am. I don’t drink everyday, I don’t ever have overwhelming cravings for a drink. These are the reasons that kept me from thinking I had a problem. But then I thought, why do I drink?, I drink because it makes me feel. It makes me feel calm, it makes me feel happy, less anxious, it makes me feel like I fit in. And I think that might be a problem. I go out sometimes for “one or two drinks only”, and as you know, it RARELY ever ends up being only one or two drinks. It’s like I can’t stop, it occurs to me, I just decide to keep going. And those instances when it really is one or two drinks, I have to consistently be talking myself down from ordering another. I’m only 24 and I feel like I shouldn’t be considering calling myself an alcoholic, but I’m scared that if I don’t try to do something now, that the next time I decide to d&d that I could really hurt someone.

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