Erik113 Member Profile

...See more Hi, this is going to be big for me. If you're reading this strap in. So I'm 26, I lost my dad at 13, and my mom passed away when I was 21. That was five years ago for me, but I've been lost without her there. She was kinda the only one I could ever count on and nobody has been able to fill that void in me. I don't have any friends, my family has cut all ties a long time ago, and my partner isn't there for me emotionally. I have nobody really as I did and it's caused me to spiral out of control. I'm not sad really, yes I feel sad about how much my life has changed and it's lead me down a really dark place. I get angry now at everything, and that anger has been building since my mom died with nothing to do to stop it. I can still laugh, I can still feel joy, but it feels so shallow compared to the overwhelming attitude I have against everything. I met my girlfriend maybe six months to a year after my mom passed away, she's helped me achieve so much for myself like she's gotten me every job I've ever had in the past five and ensured that I could be a person of substance, but the fundamental nature of our relationship isn't one where I have a shoulder to cry on. I have to keep my emotions bottled up because of how I let them out is either awful to her or she just doesn't actually care. I don't want to lose her, mostly because I'm so reliant on her, but I don't get what I need emotionally. I'll be honest, I'm a real piece of *** now. I know I was much nicer in the beginning, very much a sad boy who didn't want to hurt anyone, but that sadness has turned to a constant deep seated rage that's always right behind my eyes. I was actually able to stand people criticizing me before, but now I can't. There's this big ball of annoyance with anyone who judges me or actively seeks to fit me into their mold of who they want me to be. My girlfriend starts arguments with me over anything and I kinda have to always suck up in the end because I can't control my anger and if I don't let her win the argument I'll end up being a legitimate monster. It's not like I mean to be scary, but I just can't take it when I consistently have to give and get nothing back. I was worse before but now I straight up leave the situation if I can help it whenever I get heated for her safety and mine. I've all but ejected myself from society as a whole to where I only surface for work and then I retreat almost completely as much as I can. This is my first time actually reaching out for a lifeline. Basically what I'm asking is how do I stop being so aggressively angry with everyone and everything in my life when I get the way that I do? And how do I finally kill this monster that has latched onto me and changed me from what I was before? I don't want to be like this anymore, and I want to be a good person again.

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