How do I cope with my life?
Hi, this is going to be big for me. If you're reading this strap in.
So I'm 26, I lost my dad at 13, and my mom passed away when I was 21. That was five years ago for me, but I've been lost without her there. She was kinda the only one I could ever count on and nobody has been able to fill that void in me.
I don't have any friends, my family has cut all ties a long time ago, and my partner isn't there for me emotionally. I have nobody really as I did and it's caused me to spiral out of control.
I'm not sad really, yes I feel sad about how much my life has changed and it's lead me down a really dark place. I get angry now at everything, and that anger has been building since my mom died with nothing to do to stop it. I can still laugh, I can still feel joy, but it feels so shallow compared to the overwhelming attitude I have against everything.
I met my girlfriend maybe six months to a year after my mom passed away, she's helped me achieve so much for myself like she's gotten me every job I've ever had in the past five and ensured that I could be a person of substance, but the fundamental nature of our relationship isn't one where I have a shoulder to cry on. I have to keep my emotions bottled up because of how I let them out is either awful to her or she just doesn't actually care. I don't want to lose her, mostly because I'm so reliant on her, but I don't get what I need emotionally.
I'll be honest, I'm a real piece of *** now. I know I was much nicer in the beginning, very much a sad boy who didn't want to hurt anyone, but that sadness has turned to a constant deep seated rage that's always right behind my eyes. I was actually able to stand people criticizing me before, but now I can't. There's this big ball of annoyance with anyone who judges me or actively seeks to fit me into their mold of who they want me to be.
My girlfriend starts arguments with me over anything and I kinda have to always suck up in the end because I can't control my anger and if I don't let her win the argument I'll end up being a legitimate monster. It's not like I mean to be scary, but I just can't take it when I consistently have to give and get nothing back. I was worse before but now I straight up leave the situation if I can help it whenever I get heated for her safety and mine.
I've all but ejected myself from society as a whole to where I only surface for work and then I retreat almost completely as much as I can. This is my first time actually reaching out for a lifeline.
Basically what I'm asking is how do I stop being so aggressively angry with everyone and everything in my life when I get the way that I do? And how do I finally kill this monster that has latched onto me and changed me from what I was before? I don't want to be like this anymore, and I want to be a good person again.
@Erik113
I am so sorry for the losses that you experienced in your life. Losing your parents is never something you can be fully prepared for and it makes sense that you would feel sad about the way your life has changed. The anger you are feeling is very likely tied to, or at its root, sadness. Perhaps your life isn't how you want it to be right now and that discontent combined with your feeling of disconnection is bubbling over into anger.
You have mentioned some good things in your life as well though. While you may feel that your partner is not someone that you can lean on emotionally, you have recognized that she has also done a lot for you and pushed for you to strive for self-improvement.
Im glad that you have come to this site and I hope that you can find a listener who you can talk to and can perhaps be that shoulder to cry on. I hope that this would help you process and manage your emotions so you can life a more peaceful and fulfilling life 💜
Hi @Erik113.
First breathe from your stomach and slow down time and fully take in what somebody is saying... don't just say the first thing that comes to mind or yell... give a thoughtful informed answer.
Anger management classes can help...
Anger is a valid response to things but is often unnecessary..
I hope this helps.. 🌟
This resonates so much with me. It's like a parallel mirror.
I don't express anger over it but rather self blame and sorrow.
So take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt.
But I try to allow myself to feel these feelings because I have to go through them to process them.. for me it's year two and I still can't move on. I have nightmares, regrets and memories are so painful. I have nobody to share these memories with. My dad was my best friend. He filled a void I didn't know I had..
I began begrudgingly hate myself and despise everything that reminded me of him. Because I didn't want to face the pain. So I got angrier with myself and judged myself to the point where I felt there was no way out..
But then someone important to me once said "raise a glass for the ones who can't drink" it was a saying to honor what people once enjoy doing but for one reason or another no longer can.
Lastly.. I'm sorry
I can say I have an idea of what you are going through. I can of course only conceptually resonate, from personal experience to your chapters in life.
I think telling all of this is brave. You are brave to begin with this and being hard on yourself or others has many forms: supressing anger is a part of that. Understanding the reasons why you come to suppress this anger, internal & external. And then understanding the reasons why you are making a change, internal & extrnal are key to grasping, how to cope or act upon the situation.
It sounds that attachment is a subject of great variety for you. Dealing with loss and present adversity in relationships must be a puzzle, something that is deeply saddening to me.
Pleade dont blame yourself for these things. Understand them as proportional, something that are unfortunately on the other side of the path that you are equipped to walk on. You are brave to face them, you are brave to live this life that has ecountered signals of great saddness.
You are part of people, whos empathy and heart beat for others going through the same pieces of adversity, you are currently going through. Remember that piece of unconditional love you receive from human kind. <3
Courage !!