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Fiovia
2,757 M Hopeful Heart 6
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts91 Forum posts19 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2024 Member sinceAugust 31, 2018
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I couldn’t make it past 9 days
Addiction Support / by Fiovia
Last post
 July 4th, 2024
...See more I’ve thought my nicotine addiction was bad, yet I only made it 9 days (alcohol) sober. Kind of going through a breakup, kind of getting out of depression. But I didn’t realize my alcohol issues were this bad. I’m now typing as I drank about 4 shots just to deal with the fact my ex-situationship also best friend now has a girl he likes and tells her all the things he once told me. I tried journaling. I exercised (volleyball). I did the breathing exercises. It was either throwing up or drinking because nicotine couldn’t help either. There’s a long line of alcoholism in my family. Am I doomed? I’m so competitive and not even breaking my streak saved me from going at it again. The worst part is that the only reasons I want to stop is beacause of anemia and the deep and awful depression it sends me on the day after. I need it to cope with depression but after it feels like ***. I feel awful about engaging again.
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Failed entrance exam again
Depression Support / by Fiovia
Last post
 February 11th, 2023
...See more Im aiming to study computer science engineering, from the get go I was aware that this was going to be harder for me than average since I’m not gifted in math nor did I pick subjects that would help me make it easier in hs. I took the entrance exam right out of high school. Failed entrance exam. Cool, I’ll try again I mean I only studied for a month prior to it it was only fair I didn’t get in. 2022, studied all year, went to multiple teachers, paid private tutoring, *** I did every problem that was provided in that 1000 pages book. Didn’t get in. Didn’t even make it to the second stage of the admission process. Now, I’ll start studying and try again next year, this has been decided. Objectively, I came into this knowing full well I wasn’t going to get it first try, i know that in life I have to fail a lot before I become successful and I’m only starting my independent life. This is where the depression comes in. I can already fill myself spiraling. My mom jokes about it says oh let her be she’s depressed right now, but I’m seriously worried because I’m struggling to see my way out of this one. I’m still aware of my surroundings and how my thinking process is being clouded by depression, but all the meticulously planned out goals I had for my future are crumbling down. I know feel stupid and naive, I feel like I’m falling behind in life, I feel like I was an idiot for ever thinking I was special or different or able to get anywhere. I didn’t choose computer science because it’s a passion of mine but neither because of money, I chose it because I struggle in focusing and it’s the only job I can see myself doing long term. Couple of kids from my school decided to try out for the same exam, they did take the classes that would provide them with the knowledge for the exam, so it’s no wonder they made it to the second stage on their first try but again, clouded judgement, finding out they did make it on their first try is what made me come down again today, them making it Can only mean that is not a hard exam, is not that everyone struggles, it’s just that I’m not good enough. My best wasn’t good enough. I’m not good enough. All of this of course is spreading into every aspect of my life, I cannot stand my family, I cannot stand my friends, I don’t want to eat but binge any chance I get, I only want to sleep, I want to drink and it’s not even noon, I feel like I need a cigarette and I’ve never smoked but I would give it a try rn, hate weed but anything goes currently. I hate that I can’t just go through sadness normally, why do I have to feel worthless or on top of the world? Why can’t I grieve my lost and get back up like a normal person? I feel nauseous and not even exercise is helping at this point im sorry i don’t know for what
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I don’t get it really
Relationship Stress / by Fiovia
Last post
 June 16th, 2022
...See more Yesterday I went over to my best friend’s house to hang out, and out of nowhere she says this mutual friend of ours (let’s call him Jake) was telling the story of how I got with an older man when I was drunk with them on a trip. I did not get with an older man. I was not sober, but I was so not drunk that when I finished kissing the dude I ran to jake and told him because omg that’s my first kiss with a guy!! He’s the only person that saw me kiss the dude, we talked about how he was cute and all that, but suddenly he comes out with this story???? So that’s the context to what happened on the trip. Now as to why Jake is spreading this different story, I have no idea. My best friend (let’s call her Blair) told me he was telling a couple of friends at a party they were at. They were laughing about it. Now this is all where the issues begin. 1- why is my supposed friend jake making this shit up? Is he trying to make me mad in a we-joke-around-like-this way? Cause I never made shit up about him that’s for sure. 2- my two best friends were at that party (Blair and one that i didn’t mention let’s call her Blake). Blair didn’t tell anything about this until it just came up in conversation. When I told her I need time to process this, she told me “damn if you react like this I probably shouldn’t tell you next time” WHAT IN THE FUCK. Blake didn’t even breathe in my direction anything about this. ive been thinking about this every single second since it happened and no matter the way I look at it, I can’t find a reason why they wouldn’t tell me, why they found it funny, why would they talk about shit I did at a random party I didn’t fucking attend?? 3- I hated that kiss. I hated it because I didn’t get the guys name or anything. I hated myself after the trip because I actually did do a lot of stupid shit there, a lot of shit nobody knows and I would love for it to stay that way. The trip happened 6 months ago now and I was barely forgiving myself for the mistakes I made and now im all back into this fucking hate myself wagon. My friends are no strangers to the extends to which I can overthink, in fact they are very much close to it too, so why on earth are they believing this dude over me? Why did they not tell me? Why were talking about it in the first place? What is really their perception of me? 4- I have a hard time staying in a single problem, so now this is not just jake spreads a lie problem, this is now a “my best friends don’t really care how I feel” problem, a “people probably see me as somebody that gets with whoever she cans” problem, a “I’m scared that my best friends leave me if I tell them this bothers me, why can’t I be a little less fucking intense” problem, a “why do I even care what people think?” Problem, a “why do I stay needing to prove myself to others” problem. So now I feel lonely and like shit I don’t even smoke but I feel like a need a cigarette yk?
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Tips on eating (anxiety)
Eating Disorder Support / by Fiovia
Last post
 December 26th, 2021
...See more I was wondering if anyone had any tips on eating? I think the anxiety is making me nauseous and I can’t really eat anything without my stomach feeling trashy.
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I hurt everyone around me
Relationship Stress / by Fiovia
Last post
 December 26th, 2021
...See more tis the season yo hurt your loved ones. I always pretend to not care. Always believe that being the villain will be so good and fun but here a I am now hurting. How do others do it? What am I missing?
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Nicotine and disposable pods
Addiction Support / by Fiovia
Last post
 August 25th, 2021
...See more I started with disposable pods December of last year. Pods give me a sense of fulfillment of sorts. With my anxiety I already had that craving for struggling to breathe. Pods help me with that, make me numb for some time which is all I could ask for. Today I’m 11 days sober but tbh I’m just doing it to prove to myself I can be without it if I want to, cause I’ve been thinking about buying a new one everyday since I temporarily quit. Every chance I have to by a new one I think of the way I’ll do it. I’ll sneak out of my house, buy it from the store near my house, then come back as if nothing happened. I think my home environment has a lot to do with it, but then again am I just not blaming others for things that are my fault again? And while I write this I just feel like I’m trying to guilt trip whoever reads this into thinking this isn’t my fault and this isn’t an addiction, that I’m just overreacting. Again, so many people my age are worst, they don’t even have issues but they can’t love without pods, some have even moved to cigarettes. So I sit here thinking wait so am I actually that bad?? And idk i don’t think I h e any dependence symptoms or whatever you call it, but I want them back so bad. can someone please tell me is not bad so I can get back to pods
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I think I’ll become addicted if I don’t stop
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by Fiovia
Last post
 August 24th, 2021
...See more Once a week I have to drink. I can’t help it. I feel like my mom and my family environment is a big part of it. They’re not abusive, they just blame me for everything that happens ever. They don’t believe in me at all. I think alcohol is so much fun, I’m not addicted yet I think because I don’t have a dependence of any kind, but everytime I’m más I just want to drink the feelings away.
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