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I am a 24 year old female. I met a guy back in May and he's probably the most sweetest and respectful man ever. 29 years old, an apartment all to himself and our communication is great. But I met him in a very irresponsible way, by sneaking out late at night and coming back home the next morning. We got too comfortable, kept doing it and did speak about stopping and making plans for during the day dates instead. Wednesday, he had a bad day at work and wanted to see me and of course I was going to say yes. I care about this man so much so at any given opportunity I get to be in his presence is the best. So on that morning, my mom calls and tells me to come upstairs so we can talk. She had good news to tell me. I told her I'll be right up. I have a room downstairs and hers is upstairs so sometimes she'll call me on the phone for something. I was still at his apartment, so we were rushing as best as we could to get back to my house. My mom is calling me and I don't pick up because all you can hear is traffic and I knew if I picked up she would hear it and ask me where am I. So I didn't pick up at all. I was panicking, she was sending several text messages asking where am I. I made up a lie in that moment and then she said 'you're not in your room because we opened the door' I could feel my heart in my throat and my chest feeling heavy. That feeling of nerves was in my stomach and I was constantly repeating 'God help me' I didn't know whether to cry or faint. I told him, 'we have to tell her, this is it we have to do it' there wasn't any turning back at this point she had to meet him even though it was the wrong way and wrong time it just had to happen. I wanted to show her who I was with so she didn't have to create a person in her head of who it could possibly be. She explained to both of us how no one in our house was abusing me so she didn't understand why I did this. She said no one was keeping me prisoner that I had freewill to leave and that I could've told my brothers and they would've backed me up. I have two older brothers. Do I trust them with any secrets especially when it comes to dating? No. Definitely not. That door of telling my brothers anything with the confidence that they wouldn't run and tell mom was never opened so it wasn't going to happen that day. All I could hear was my family talking bad about this guy. My family all said that he really doesn't care about me because of the way I left the house(which was out the window) and the time I left. They said eventually because of the fact that I won't be seeing him for a while, he'll be moving on. That we should've done this differently because they don't want to see him anymore it was represented in a wrong way so now its up to us to change their minds. They also said that this isn't a real thing that its a one night stand type of situation and that I wasn't being treated right and that possibly he's embarassed to be seen with me hence why we meet late at night. I hate that this is the way they're thinking. I know 1000% that is not who he is but they're not believing me. They don't want to meet him ever again and don't want me to see him ever again. I couldn't say much, I felt like I messed up bad. Apologizing and saying how I didn't mean to make everyone so worried. She nailed my window shut, took my key to the front door and said I can't lock my room door anymore. I felt so awful for what I did I couldn't even understand why I did it. Later on during the day, it hit me. I finally understood why I did it. Its hard telling my mom about a guy I like. Her mind automatically leads to scenarios That happened to her in the past. She takes things too far when she's mad and it scares me to tell her certain things. Which is also why I never said the real reason why I did what I did because A. She thinks she's a good mom who's never done us wrong B. She will swear she never said any of that in the past when I mentioned meeting a guy in the past and C. She will think I'm putting her at fault for this and of course I'll be wrong for doing that because its never her its always my sister to blame. Its never a normal conversation. She will say that he's going to leave me with a kid on child support or that he's going to become abusive. After a 3 day long conversation of me asking for her permission to meet someone in the past, I eventually gave up and never spoke about it again. I didnt hang out with anyone. As much as she says I could've told my brothers and depend on them to have my back, thats not entirely true because they would never do that for me I've asked my brother once to drop me off at this location for a friends birthday and he didn't want to do it because I didn't consult it with mom first. I was still an adult during that time but it didn't feel that way, I wasn't allowed to go and I was very upset but my family made me feel like I had no right to be upset because of all the "what ifs". I eventually faked a smile acting like I'm ok until it was forced to be forgotten about. Back to today's situation, on the next day she has this attitude where she was acting extra happy like nothing is bothering her and then when I couldn't finish my dinner she says "could it possibly be because you were out eating?" implying that I snuck out even though I was told to never do it again. I was upset because I knew in that moment anything I do will be held against me and that there was going to be more snarky remarks to come. I was simply just too full to finish my food. She then said you know none of us had any sleep lastnight because of you and I said that I know she said "can you just promise to stay in your room tonight?" In this moment I'm highly upset and reply with "I stayed lastnight didnt I?" She said "I don't know that" so I said "then I guess you wont know tonight either" The comments were becoming annoying. She stands by my door and looks around saying "I guess you're not afraid of bugs anymore because you climb out of windows without worrying if one is on you" It was all getting to me I said goodnight to her and closed my door because as much as I wanted to say something I couldn't. I would be told that I have no right to say anything because of the fact that I got myself into this mess. The next day was an odd change in attitude but a good odd. My mom calmly spoke to me, she said positive things, like how she would've been so willing to invite him into the family and holidays but I didn't give her that chance and that it was disrespectful to him and her. She also said that she didn't want to take away my phone because she wanted me to talk to him about this. That actually helped me feel a little better about the situation and made me realize how I did mess up but it can be fixed. I was hopeful that it meant soon she was going to give me my access back. She said she was actually happy to know I met someone because he didn't come off as this bad guy to her. She said she's mad at how I did it and that I should've told her even if she was going to be mad about it. So I felt like I had to do something. We even spent time together listening to music that day. But on that same night, the flood light next to my house was on because it senses movement. My brother comes to my door asking why is it on and I was confused because how should I know? So I said maybe a cat is out there or something. Mom nailed my window shut so it didn't make any sense to why I would be suspected when I'm trying to fix the problem not sabotage it. He's on the phone with mom and she tells him to ask me to open my room door to prove it. I'm standing there barely dressed and upset and he's looking around and said "don't give me that attitude mom told me to check" I was upset that whole night in disbelief that I was being accused of something I had no control over and simply saying its not me isn't good enough to believe. The next day I typed out an apology, still determined to fix things. Its going to sound silly but I don't want to let time pass because around here time means months and I refuse to go that long without seeing him and I don't want it to get to where even after letting time pass by they'll say "hmm yeah I still don't know if I can believe you" which is what my brother thinks, he assumes that I'm just going to sneak out again even after apologizing.
My apology: First off I want to say I am sorry for how I disrespected all of you and myself and made my family so worried. You did not raise me to be sneaky or to keep you in the dark about normal things. I take full responsibility for my actions, there is no one here to blame. I thought about what you said and took it into consideration. Onething I won't do is walk around like I am entitled. I am sorry for my attitude because you and my brothers had every right to be upset. I don't want to be looked at like I'm my sister because I am not her. She does not have any control over my life. I will not walk out on this family either because running away from problems solves nothing. I will have better communication skills and become a more responsible and respectful daughter and sister to this family. I put myself in all of your shoes and realized how much you guys seriously care about me. It really woke me up to know that this is what a family that sticks together does, they care for one another and even through difficult times that love comes out even more. Its something not everyone is lucky enough to have. So I thank you for being that family. I will rebuild that trust between us but this time it will be genuine, strong and honest. I don't want my actions to break us apart you're my family and I take that very serious. I hope that when you guys are ready, you will meet him again on better terms. The way I addressed it was very wrong and no one was ready but this time, no more uncomfortable situations. My goal is to gain all of your trust and to show better than I can tell you that I will be a mature adult when it comes to the decisions I make and the way I communicate with all 3 of you. No more childish behavior. I hope you can all forgive me for this.
I gave them all a sincere apology and said the whole thing word for word and humbled myself through their frustrating comments. They asked questions like if there was drugs involved and if he is really the person I'm seeing and why did he park down the street. But I didn't let any of it get to me. They did say that they forgive me but still said that I need to fix this and it's going to take some time. I could see it in my moms face that she wanted to let me off punishment but she let my brothers talk first and thats when it lead to all of the them asking questions and making even more assumptions on whether its actually a girl I'm with, I came out to my mom a few years ago and she thought it was a phase or something and never spoke about it again, said it was the worst day of her life so I guess she suspected me of hiding a female relationship from her. My brothers reply to my apology was not exactly what I was expecting. One said "well I'm not one for big long speeches, all I can say is I don't trust you and I already told you I don't want to meet him ever again. Its going to take some time so you need to fix this" the other one said "there's no need for the presidential speech, I forgive you but you still have to fix it" my mom comes to my defense and says 'well thats her way of doing this' as my brother walks around the house to do things around the house my mom gets upset and says "we're all supposed to be having a discussion with your sister and you wont sit down and listen. This is why she can't tell you anything because you don't know how to act like the oldest in here and take responsibility" eventually the conversation stopped and we spoke about other things. Since then I've apologized several times I am treating all of them like family I'm not acting weird or separating myself from the family in no way at all. I'm trying to show that I can move on from this and it feels like its just not good enough for them. So yesterday I asked if I could borrow something from my mom and she said yeah its in her room and gave me unclear directions but I still tried to look anyway. When she walks in she's upset and asking what am I doing looking through her stuff and how rude it was to invade her privacy and that she's going to do the same to me and I said well you told me it was here so I looked I'm not in here trying to look through your things and she says "I don't care you don't do that all you have to do is tell me you cant find it" so I was trying to apologize but she mentioned my sister and how her and I have all these secrets now and eventually I raised my voice and said stop bringing her up I already said sorry and walked away. Today, I walked in her room without knocking and with a sarcastic tone said "I like how you knocked before walking in here" so I thought about it, apologize and was about to walk back and knock but she said "you're already in here now its too late. I just think its rude how you think you can do that to me because now I'm going to do it to you" and I was like really? So you're going to do that even after I said sorry? And she said "well now our relationship has changed and there was a time where I didn't care but you don't want me doing that to you so why do it to me? You have secrets and lies now and I know because every time I say I'm going to do to you, you apologize and say no don't do that" I wanted to say something so bad but I just kept quiet because I felt like anything I say would go against me. She also said "you counted on me not opening your door so that's how you got away with it this whole time. But when I'm out, you know because you can walk into my room and see that I'm not there." She kept on going and said "I don't have nothing to hide in here because I know if I die tomorrow all of this shit got to go so I know what I don't want to be remembered by but you see when you're young and dumb you feel like you got all the time in the world and hide things so now I know" Honestly I feel like if I have a one on one talk with her I'm going to hear "well you didn't prove it to me at all. What did you do to show that you are an adult?" I feel like now whatever small mistake I make is digging myself deeper and just a reflection of why I got caught and that they all feel like I don't deserve to have my freedom because I'm going to just lie and be irresponsible. Its about to be a week since it happened and I just feel like a failure. Whenever it feels like its going good, something throws me back to square one. What I did, was it really that bad? If anyone doesn't mind, I would like for you to put yourself in their shoes and tell me what would you do? Do I deserve this kind of punishment? Did the guy I'm dating deserve to be talked about so horribly? To be accused of anything he didn't do or to be said that he's stupid and not acting like a grown man for letting me jump out a window to see him? I need help, I need answers. Everyday I'm praying for the good. I wake up telling myself that it will get better. When things go wrong the doubt starts creeping in and I feel like my mistakes are outweighing the good I do through the day. It makes me frustrated because I'm trying my best to be patient and go about my day with genuine happiness but the minute I do something wrong its back to Wednesday morning of last week. Someone please help me get out of this rut, I need good advice and help please.
