Gigio25 Member Profile

...See more Hi everyone. This is my first time writing here so I feel a bit anxious about it. But I need some help. I want to make a change in my life and feel better. This week I've been having really bad panic attacks and insurmountable OCD like intrusive thoughts as well as catastrophizing narratives that I just can't escape. I feel I get deeper and deeper into them and it's hard to let them go. Basically what's happening is I'm scared. I recently opened up to my partner about something that was very delicate and took a lot of vulnerability for me to share. It was about something I'm ashamed about but I wanted to share it with them because I want to be as honest as possible in this relationship. I love her so much and sharing this took a lot of bravery, that I am proud of myself for. She was a bit shaken when I shared my story, but was still understanding. She asked for some space but still reassured me that she loves me and will see me soon once she gets back from her trip. I feel bad because I communicated this news impulsively over the phone because the thought of not telling her was eating me alive. Perhaps this was not the right way to deliver my story but I wanted to communicate. I just couldn't hold it in. We spoke on the phone again last night. Reassuring me she loves me but that we just need some space to take a break. She said this doesn't mean we're breaking up, but that we just need some space to be on our own. She mentioned that she feels she's not the healthiest for me right now and vice versa. She let me know everything is going to be ok and to not worry. Once again the last things we both said to each other on the phone is "I love you". A couple days later, we're taking our space and I feel ok, I feel good I just think I need to make a change. I've had a pattern of communicating impulsively and creating a lot of stress for myself and for my partner. Not only this but it trickles outside of my life. I have a hard time focusing on work. I have a hard time enjoying myself with others. I have a hard time reading or watching movies. The change I want to make is creating a secure safe space within myself. I'm dealing with a lot of insecurity. I do think part of it is this feeling of codependency which I thought had gotten better until this week, when I had to become very vulnerable and felt I was going to lose her for sharing my story. Now I feel guilty and worried that I've been worrying. Like, can I exist on my own? Am I lying to myself that I'm ok and that I'm an independent person? Or is this just a hard time for me because I really had to be super vulnerable with someone I love so much and I risked it all to tell her the truth? I feel its the latter. It took a lot for me to be honest but it had to be done. And I know things will be ok. But I need some advice on coping and strategies for change in the future so I can live my life in the face of uncertainty. I worry that she might leave me still yes, despite all the reassurance she gave me. I worry that she'll tell people my very vulnerable story. I worry that I've made too many mistakes for this relationship to go on. I worry that I can't take feeling this anxious about everything anymore. I worry that I can't read books or write or watch a movie without my mind wandering off and creating stories based on triggers that could literally be anything. My brain will find a way to latch onto anything that will send me down a fear spiral. So I guess, has anyone felt this way? Does anyone understand this? Does anyone have tangible ways to help ground yourself when feeling so immersed in horrible narratives? I don't want to self-sabotage and I don't want to be a burden. Please help!

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