Im Suffering A Lot These Days
Hi everyone.
This is my first time writing here so I feel a bit anxious about it. But I need some help. I want to make a change in my life and feel better.
This week I've been having really bad panic attacks and insurmountable OCD like intrusive thoughts as well as catastrophizing narratives that I just can't escape. I feel I get deeper and deeper into them and it's hard to let them go. Basically what's happening is I'm scared. I recently opened up to my partner about something that was very delicate and took a lot of vulnerability for me to share. It was about something I'm ashamed about but I wanted to share it with them because I want to be as honest as possible in this relationship. I love her so much and sharing this took a lot of bravery, that I am proud of myself for. She was a bit shaken when I shared my story, but was still understanding. She asked for some space but still reassured me that she loves me and will see me soon once she gets back from her trip. I feel bad because I communicated this news impulsively over the phone because the thought of not telling her was eating me alive. Perhaps this was not the right way to deliver my story but I wanted to communicate. I just couldn't hold it in. We spoke on the phone again last night. Reassuring me she loves me but that we just need some space to take a break. She said this doesn't mean we're breaking up, but that we just need some space to be on our own. She mentioned that she feels she's not the healthiest for me right now and vice versa. She let me know everything is going to be ok and to not worry. Once again the last things we both said to each other on the phone is "I love you".
A couple days later, we're taking our space and I feel ok, I feel good I just think I need to make a change. I've had a pattern of communicating impulsively and creating a lot of stress for myself and for my partner. Not only this but it trickles outside of my life. I have a hard time focusing on work. I have a hard time enjoying myself with others. I have a hard time reading or watching movies. The change I want to make is creating a secure safe space within myself. I'm dealing with a lot of insecurity. I do think part of it is this feeling of codependency which I thought had gotten better until this week, when I had to become very vulnerable and felt I was going to lose her for sharing my story. Now I feel guilty and worried that I've been worrying. Like, can I exist on my own? Am I lying to myself that I'm ok and that I'm an independent person? Or is this just a hard time for me because I really had to be super vulnerable with someone I love so much and I risked it all to tell her the truth? I feel its the latter. It took a lot for me to be honest but it had to be done. And I know things will be ok. But I need some advice on coping and strategies for change in the future so I can live my life in the face of uncertainty. I worry that she might leave me still yes, despite all the reassurance she gave me. I worry that she'll tell people my very vulnerable story. I worry that I've made too many mistakes for this relationship to go on. I worry that I can't take feeling this anxious about everything anymore. I worry that I can't read books or write or watch a movie without my mind wandering off and creating stories based on triggers that could literally be anything. My brain will find a way to latch onto anything that will send me down a fear spiral.
So I guess, has anyone felt this way? Does anyone understand this? Does anyone have tangible ways to help ground yourself when feeling so immersed in horrible narratives? I don't want to self-sabotage and I don't want to be a burden. Please help!
@Gigio25 I´m very sorry to hear about your situation, I hope with all my heart it well get it soon.
Did you consider seeing a therapist that can help you in a professional and ordered way to manage your situation? Is hard to take the step to go, but it can give help direct and in a non direct way because it help you to realize some factors you didn´t think about.
About being "self-sieged" by your brain, just try to remember that it was designed to survive in the Savannah some thousands years ago, and not to be "happy" in a society with all the basic needs covered, so with time and reflection is possible to reduce little by little the importance of the information that is giving to you if you realize that if the information is useful for your everyday life or if is making it´s own movies about past or possible future scenarios.
Other issue that may help you to clean dark energy is to do physical exercise, move your body on a way you want, no requirements of time or activity, only move your body for some minutes each day, it helps to release the dark energy and thoughts our brain generates and help us to sleep better due to the body tiredness.
Please stay strong, each human being is important and have something unique to show to the world, we just need to learn how to quit the layers that is making everything darker for us, and show our real light.
Wish you the best!
Hi Gigio25
I am sorry that you are struggling.
I have felt like you feel most of my life. It is the desire to please others and to make them like you or at least not hate you. It can be terrifying, especially with a partner, because the relationship is so important to you. My therapist has helped me work through this problem. I think the thing that has helped me the most is working on my own self-esteem. Reading positive affirmations daily has helped me a lot. I try to take time twice a day for just a couple minutes to do this. There is a great free app for this that I use called Think Up. There are other apps you could use as well. Or you can just read them off a piece of paper. At first I didn't believe the good things I was saying about myself, but over time my mind began to shift. I now feel better about myself, more confident, and less concerned about what people think of me. I know that I am good enough and that is enough for me.
Your partner loves you and there is a reason for that. You have great worth and your partner sees that and values that in you.
As far as anxiety is concerned, I use mindfulness to calm me down. That is a technique which focuses your attention on the present moment (usually by focusing on your breath).
There is a saying that I sometimes repeat to myself when I am worried about something. I used to worry constantly.
In the past there is pain (regret, guilt)
In the future there is fear (worry, anxiety)
In the present there is peace (calmness, security)
You can't change the past and you can't forsee the future (unless you are Norstradamis 😁) So I try to let that go.
After living so many years with fear and shame, living in the present felt like absolute bliss!!!
That feeling diminished over time, and I probably take it for granted now. But it is So much better than it used to be.
It is like carrying a giant weight all your life. Someone says, "You know you can put that down, you don't Have to carry it."
Putting down that weight is an incredible relief!!!
Not every strategy works for everyone, but there are a ton of different strategies for dealing with intense emotions.
I believe that for every problem, there a solution. You just have to find the right tool for the job.
There is hope. The is absolutely hope!!!
It requires effort, but it is worth it to feel at peace.
I would suggest Googling Mindfulness, positive affirmations, C.B.T. and D.B.T.
I would also suggest seeing a therapist if that is a financial option for you. If not, I would suggest contacting your county's health and human services department about counseling options. If you already see a therapist you might ask them about attending a coping skills group. The groups I have been in have been invaluable to me and have brought me light years ahead in coping with my anxiety.
Another thing that my therapist has helped me with is in realizing that I am not responsible for regulating other people's emotions. I can only control my own actions, words, emotions, and intentions. Everything else is out of my control. That is good, because I don't need to put all my energy into making sure that other people are happy. Living that way is exhausting, frustrating, scary, and ultimately impossible. Letting that go has been a Huge weight off of my shoulders as well.
You are complete, worthy, and whole.
You have worth and you are deserving of love.
I hope you find this helpful and I hope you feel better soon. 😁