GlassHummingbird1100 Member Profile

Have you identified your maladaptive behaviors? How are you addressing them? How do you ask for help without sounding overdramatic?

Trauma Support / by GlassHummingbird1100

January 24th, 2024

...See more I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD (mine is from childhood). There are times, I behave certain ways that I don't fully understand. A few weeks ago, I was overwhelmed with feelings after hearing a letter that talked about how a family ostracized a daughter, the lady told her story in such a vivid way, that it brought back memories and I couldn't stop crying and panicking for days. My therapist says I react certain ways because of my C-PTSD, how it is important for during the first 5 years of children to be supported, loved and shown how to express their feelings, that I was never taught how to feel my feelings safely. While I understand all this, I feel ashamed and that I should have figure it out by now. That I should move on and be strong, but I don't understand why my emotions have been easily triggered this year and they continue to be. In an effort to try to understand myself better, and help me move on faster, I probably did a little too much research, but I'm a fixer I guess. I came across a couple of videos. Video 1: A woman was talking about her avoidant attachment and how she's in constant anxiety and depression, how she knows what she needs to do, but either doesn't do follow through or stops and gets back into looking for ways to get back into her depression when she feels she's making progress. I always thought of myself as an anxious attachment person, but I realized that what she described about the avoidant attachment, I was also doing. --> I meditate, I pray, I start exercising and eating right, being mindful, journaling, feeling better... Then I begin to wonder if I really have C-PTSD and I go searching for it, find something that identifies me and I'm back to square 1. Or I procrastinate to start studying, once I get in the rhythm, I purposely look for distractions, like the dishes. And then I get frustrated and disappointed with myself, and feel shame for being like this as an adult. Video #2 listed self-sabotaging maladaptive behaviors as: - not feeding our selves enough, I tend to get busy, if I often believe that every other responsibility is more important than taking care of myself. - Not sleeping - over-exercising to the point of exhaustion - working/studying to the point of exhaustion - people pleasing, putting others' needs ahead of mine - trying to protect others' feelings, but instead coming off as passive aggressive. The list went on and on, I was red in the face when I finished reading it, as I thought I was behaving this way because I am helpful, committed and a hard worker... but instead realizing I'm just showing my low self value. I automatically go to these and more, I don't know how not to do it. Also, what are the rules of sharing or not sharing how much you can tell others about your healing journey? I'm trying to be more self aware, and I was thinking about asking others to point things out for me that they notice I do or say do, but I'm afraid of making myself an easy target, as my family have spent all my life listing my flaws, so hearing people criticize me, triggers me a bit. I want to be more self aware and I don't want to hurt anyone with my words or actions, so I want them to point out what they noticed, I just don't want them to do it like my family does. But how do I say this without sounding like I am victimizing myself to manipulate them?

Post breakup conversations

Relationship Stress / by GlassHummingbird1100

January 25th, 2024

...See more I'm a little confused about my most recent breakup. I’m currently studying for a big board exam and I’ve been quite anxious because of it. Our time together has been based on me getting on a plane to visit him. The last time I saw him, I had a panic attack. School had been intense, and I had a huge fear of failing the class, and there were other live events that made me feel overwhelmed as well that week. I wanted to please everyone and not let anyone down, including myself. I was trying to organize my life to keep my anxiety in check, but life and school demands kept piling up. I wasn't sure how to put my feelings into words, but having a panic attack in front of him was odd and I felt embarrassed. I felt I had to explain myself the best I could, I began trying to explain myself, but he seemed annoyed. I didn't feel like he cared, so I stopped sharing. But my anxiety was still there, I tried to manage it, but I wasn’t very successful. I was staying at his house, an airplane away from mine or anyone I know, so I couldn't leave. It was hard to pretend I was OK, while inside I wasn't. I felt then he expected me to entertain him, but I couldn't. He shut down, then I shut down. I wanted to cook something for him as gratitude for having me over at his house, but he seemed annoyed if I washed the dishes, if I used the bathroom, if I approached his pet. He didn't seem interested in me cooking, when we were at the grocery store and I tried to get ingredients, he said he had plans to eat something else, so I didn't push. I never got to cook and we just didn't talk much. I told him I wanted to get to know him better, to tell me how I could best support him. He seemed uncomfortable and didn't say anything. He began making odd & a little offensive comments, I got defensive. I didn't want to be rude, so probably my replies sounded a little passive aggressive. When I came back home, I was able to be alone, take a mental break from feeling the responsibility to entertain others or studying. I felt like I could breathe again, I felt free. I called him and apologize about being distant and odd during my last visit. I shared I just needed some time alone to reset. We broke up I have now graduated but studying for my board exam. I love to learn, but studying and testing are not my strong suit, I'm a little bit ashamed of it, but I have to do everything I can to set myself up for success at it. So, I try to get rid of distractions by putting the phone on mute and in another room, and turning off all noise, so I can focus. I study long hours, because once I get distracted, is hard for me to get back into it. I was surprised that he continued messaging me after the breakup. His messages were long, all talked about his pet, his family, or the weather. I was confused and felt a little annoyed. I didn't feel like he would care about my stress, so you didn't tell him, although he knows I'm studying for the board exam. He never asked about me, so I was confused about what he wanted me to respond. I’m quite exhausted from studying these days, my friend makes fun of me and says I cannot even spell my name correctly these days. So, my vocabulary is limited and odd when I'm tired, so my responses were short and somewhat vague. Quite honestly, I couldn't think of anything specific to say, but I wanted to reciprocate his efforts and respond at least something. This is his first time experiencing a snowstorm where he lives. I did not want to tell him what to do, but I wanted to warn him about freezing pipes (mine froze and exploded in 2021) and share what helped me, in a way to connect with his story and acknowledge that I understood his situation, and I thought perhaps I could share my story as a way to warn him and avoid him having to go through what I went through. I'm guessing he got upset because I didn’t hear from him again. I'm a little sad, but I have to remain focused on my studies. I recognize there was no way of him knowing my stress level, as I didn't mention it. But after the last few interactions we've had, I didn't feel safe to share. Ultimately, I can't control how other people act for think, and if someone already jumped to conclusions about me, without really knowing what's going on, so be it. There's nothing I can say or do. I'm just focusing on my exam. But now also trying to be more mindful in my actions and feelings, to keep my anxiety at bay and remain functional. In retrospect, I should have been clear about currently feeling stressed, but I know now for my future conversations with other people. I can only be responsible for myself. He’s a good person and I wish him well. I'm sad we lost a friendship of years, but I don't have the head to play the game, nor do I want to.

What are the PROS and CONS of labeling others?

Relationship Stress / by GlassHummingbird1100

January 23rd, 2024

...See more I have recently been noticing a few of my friends are reading online articles or watching videos to help them “identify” 🚩Red Flags 🚩 on other people. In an effort to protect ourselves, I think many of us have done this. But I noticed that sometimes it's an unfair assessment. Friend A recently met friend B online, I had no idea they had met. It's funny, they both talked about the one they met online, but at the time I didn't realize they were talking about each other. Until after they parted ways, A show me a picture of B. My conversations with them, from the start of their meetings, were something like this (I’m paraphrasing): A: (recently out of a relationship and he's hyper aware up red flags. He wants to get married you have family) 1st date – “she's amazing, we talked for hours, her laugh was contagious. We were walking as she held my hand tight and smiled. I can't wait to see her again” after 1 week -- he had to drop off his mom somewhere far before the date, so he was stuck in traffic. He said he thought he would make it on time. He dropped the phone under the seat as he was driving, but he didn't want to delay the drive so he just rushed through traffic to make it to the date on time. She said that when he got there, there were no parking spots available and there was another guy looking for a spot too. So he explained he didn't pick up the phone to avoid getting distracted and delay his arrival to the restaurant. Once he parked, he said that he wasn't sure if it was relevant to call her anymore, as he was in the parking lot, but he found his phone and called her as he was walking there. “I was late, but she was mad. She didn't look too happy when I got there, so I thought I'd break the ice and share a funny story, but she got mad. So we ordered, there was tension so I tried to break the ice again, but then she was talking too much about herself. The date was off the moment I got there, she has anger issues.” After > 1 week – “she seemed off, I didn't know if she was still mad about last time. It just felt weird. She. started crying out of nowhere. She wouldn't talk and I wasn't sure what she wanted, but I didn't want her to be mad again so I offered her a drink. She said yes, but then gave me a look and put it on the counter. I asked her why she wasn't drinking after saying she wanted a drink. She looked lost and annoyed and said she was cold. I was confused the whole night, the crying made me uncomfortable. I think she's passive aggressive, just wanting to gaslight me. She wants to control me, she's too self-centered. I'm not seeing her anymore.” B: (has been single for a little < 1 year. Wants to get married but he's afraid of getting hurt) 1st Date – “He's so sweet, he brought me flowers, pull the chair out for me, And have me walk on the inside of the sidewalk. I love how passionate he's about his work, but there was a point he monopolized the conversation for almost 20 minutes and wouldn’t let me talk, I had to make a joke to get a word in. He laughed, I think he's just passionate and didn’t realized how much he talked” After 1 week – “I had such a long day, my car broke down and I thought I was gonna be late, but I ended up leaving the car at work and getting an Uber to make it on time. When I got there he wasn't there, I waited for a while. The waiter kept on asking me to order something and that the tables were for customers only. He didn’t call or text me, I felt stupid and thought maybe I should have confirmed before heading there, that this morning he said see you at 6. I was embarrassed and I thought he stood me up. I was about to leave, but then he called and said “I'm almost there,” I didn't see him so I asked “where?” He then said he was in the parking lot. When he entered the restaurant he monopolized the conversation again. I felt annoyed but I thought maybe there was his way of letting go of stress, but he wouldn't stop and I was starving So I suggested we order something. He asked what was my favorite dish, but then seemed annoyed when I told him a dish that reminded me of my grandma. Rolled his eyes, yawned, and started telling me that no one made that dish better than a random restaurant, I felt he was discrediting my grandma. I was annoyed and embarrassed so stayed quiet and didn't know what to say for the rest of the night. He's narcissistic, it's all about him or he doesn't care.” After > 1 week – “I got a call from the hospital right before I saw him (her gradma was hospitalized), I felt so sad, but I didn't want to annoy him. He seemed sweet and ask what was wrong. I told him my grandma was having surgery and he told me about the time he had surgery. I was so scared for the surgery, I suddenly was overwhelmed with fear and began to cry, it was so embarrassing. He asked if I wanted tea and I said yes, but then he brought iced water and I was freezing, so I put it on the table, but he asked why I wasn’t drinking, I said I was cold and then he said he had to leave. I thought it was odd, but maybe he had something to do, so I didn't think much of it. I sent him a text thanking him for the date and I said that I hoped he made it home ok. He didn't call me anymore. He lacks empathy and is self-centered. The total narcissist.” Both of them talked to friends about each other, each side of friends sided accordingly, only knowing one side of the story. I was one of the friends that confided in and I validated each up their label tags, as I knew my friends, but not the person online they were talking to. It wasn't until A showed me B’s picture that I felt bad for validating the labels they had put on each other. Neither is interested in hearing about the other, because they say they're all their friends also think the labels they put on each other are validated. Now, both of them are fantastic people, they are both caring, hardworking, loving, supportive, busy, longing for love, but scared of red flags. Neither one of them shared the stress they had for the day. The both came in with expectations on how the other one should behave, but not on how they individually should be. To me it sounded like they were too quick to label each other, instead of genuinely getting to know each other, and they truly missed in getting to know an amazing person. This taught to me that while narcissism in manipulation do exist, not everyone fits these labels. It might be better to talk about our boundaries out loud and clearly, instead of assuming the other person will guess them and behave accordingly? It might be better to be honest about how we feel and what we're going through, instead of acting like nothing is bothering us? It might be better to give the benefit of the doubt, instead of assuming everything the other person does is directed to hurt us? It might be better to ask for clarification, if we are confused or feel triggered, instead of assuming what the other person is thinking, or asking for validation from our friends who mean well but would not present and don't know both sides of the story?

How do you navigate the holidays with your toxic family?

Trauma Support / by GlassHummingbird1100

December 14th, 2023

...See more I know the thing many people do is cut ties with their toxic family. I just finished college last week. I spent Thanksgiving alone, and although it was peaceful to not be blamed for things, it felt pretty lonely. I grew up always being compared to my older sister and always being less than in my parents' eyes. My father was the one that I feel promoted the rejection of me, as a little girl he and my sister told me how it was my fault he couldn't have sons, because my mother had a difficult pregnancy with me and couldn't have anymore children. He often tells a story of how guilty he felt when they brought me home, because my sister was upset they had another child, he's been trying to make it up to her for over 20 years now. He's the one that often compares me to him and the one that told my mom to stop supporting me bc it was unfair to my sister. My sister prides herself on being the favorite and enjoys putting me down. No matter how much I do, they made me wash the house carpets on my last visit, but no one thanked me. My sister sleeps in all day, took out frozen chicken from the fridge for my mom to cook and my parents thanked her for 2 weeks. She enjoys the attention and tells me that no matter what I do, she will always be better than me. A few years ago I noticed my sister began leaving me out of family gatherings. I lost my parents more and more, until I give up and just began spending more time alone in my room than with them. I also noticed I began feeling a lot of anxiety when my sister is near, to the point I just want to not engage and just get away. My mom tells me not to play victim, so I often have to keep quiet. It wasn't until other people pointed out the unfair treatment, and until I was diagnosed with childhood C-PTSD a few weeks ago, that I finally allowed myself to validate my own feelings. I don't want to be a toxic person, so I wanted to work through my trauma and how I react to triggers and I hoped in having a better relationship with my family instead of one when I'm often feeling sad and neglected. Now, I'm back at their house for the holidays and it's a struggle. On the day I arrived my father criticized my weight and hair. My sister today started criticizing everything I did. From turning on the TV, to using the Internet to check my final grades and transcript. And I'm feeling quite triggered. Can someone share how they deal family during holidays?

When did "wanting to help community" became an issue in a relationship?

Relationship Stress / by GlassHummingbird1100

December 13th, 2023

I think my therapist is upset

Trauma Support / by GlassHummingbird1100

December 11th, 2023

...See more I have years of dealing with anxiety, self-doubt/worth, etc. trying to work on it on my own. After having multiple flashbacks and not understanding why I couldn't stop crying or being anxious and unable to focus for 3 days, I finally realized I needed help. 3 weeks ago I started trauma therapy and was diagnosed with childhood C-PTSD. The therapist that meets though zoom sessions, she is from another country and charges less than in the US. She seemed nice and told me we would start EMDR. I was entering final exams, so I asked her to not do the re-living/uncovering traumas until after Dec 8 (my last day of finals), I was scared of having another emotional paralysis, especially during exams. I pay out of pocket for these sessions. After our first session I thought it would be best to pay the next 2 sessions in advance. We had a session last week, I asked to schedule our session for this week for Friday, she said we could discuss it and confirm it during the week. I thought this was odd, but I was too focused on studying and just said ok. I wrote her 2 days ago and asked her if we could have a session on Friday afternoon, she then said it was a holiday for her country and that she was not working on Friday. I asked if we could meet on Saturday. We have a time difference of 3 hours (I'm 3 hours behind), she asked me to meet her at 7am. I explained that since I have been studying I'm barely sleeping and it would be hard to be awake for therapy at 7am. I asked if we could at least meet at 8.30am. She said she would bring her baby and asked if babies bothered me. I understand motherhood and that sometimes it could be hard to find childcare, but I thought it was odd and a little unprofessional from her part. I still wanted to be understanding and as respectful as possible and replied that "babies don't bother me, as long as the session wasn't constantly interrupted" (it takes me a while to open up during therapy and I fear any distraction won't let me feel comfortable to open up). She left me on read and never replied. Now I'm not feeling like I trust her much anymore. I would have appreciated if she would have at least offer me another day to meet. But I think she's upset because I don't want my session to be interrupted?

Childhood PTSD and people pleasing

Trauma Support / by GlassHummingbird1100

December 5th, 2023

...See more I used to think I was lucky I wasn't given up for adoption and that I should be thankful to my family for that. My parents, especially my father, often talk about their childhood traumas, as a little girl I used to tell myself, is not that they don't love me, is that they have a childhood trauma and have a hard time showing love. A few years ago I began noticing that my parents shower my older sister with love and support, but they are distant with me. My sister began comparing stories with me one day. I was telling her how exhausted I was after waking up at 4am to go to school, then work, not being able to get home until past 8pm, where as soon as I opened the door my parents told me about the chores I was expected to do. I tried to do chores, eat, shower and get things ready for the next day within 2 - 3 hours, so I could go to bed at least by 11pm, but my parents would often wake me up at 1am to complain about something or ask me to do something. I told my mom one time "it's 1am, I only have a few hours to sleep, could we talk about this later?" She responded "as if I cared." I mentioned this to my sister and she said "wow, I could never imagine my parents saying this to me, they love me, they would never." In a way I feel thankful for my mom, she at least acknowledges me, I'm usually non-existent for my dad. Soon my sister started telling relatives that she was the favorite child, that she could do anything she wanted bc in my parents' eyes she could never do anything wrong. That my parents could only control me, because they love me less. I honestly don't really blame her for stating the truth, but after trying to tell my mom that I was feeling like the black sheep of the family, and my mom telling me "stop playing victim" -- for years I questioned my own sanity and I wondered if I was perhaps exaggerating -- it hurt, but felt validating when my sister starting bragging about being the favorite. She said this to so many people, a few months ago she said it to my father, I was shocked he acted so surprised. Some of us have learned to people please (be the nice loving, helping, understanding one, don't argue, etc etc) to cope with trauma. I honestly didn't realize I was doing this until a couple of people said: 1. Why are you always there when I'm sad, but I don't see you when I'm happy? Thinking back, I often felt alone and belittled as a child, my brain adapted to - "if my family doesn't care for me, no one else will", but also the "I know how lonely and sad it feels to not be supported, I never want anyone to feel like this." I always went out of my way to cheer people up and let them know I was always there for them. I often encourage people and cheer them on, when they reach a goal I am genuinely proud of them, but I grew up being my family's counselor and mediator, but when everyone was happy at home, I would go back to being ignored or blamed for things. Somehow I learned that it was safe to come out and give love when people needed me, but would go back to hiding when people are not sad, bc I somehow have the belief that people will see my flaws now and will want to stay from me. That once they no longer need me to cheer them on, they will discard me, so I distant myself, not because I'm jealous, but because I thought I was giving them space to enjoy their happiness without me ruining their day with my depression feelings. 2. Recently, a friend told me "stop being so nice to everyone, that's how you are showing your low self-esteem" I tend to say sorry a lot, even when it's not my fault, and she gets annoyed with this. I didn't realize I was doing that, until she pointed it out. She often sends me videos on how to build my confidence. This prompted me to explore my feelings more, try to validate me more and finally be open to ask for help. I started therapy 2 weeks ago and was diagnosed with C-PTSD, she explained many of my behaviors and feelings are trauma based, this was an eye opener and I have been franticly searching information about C-ptsd and looking for skills on how to fix it. Looking back, I started trying to explore why I was feeling so lonely, depressed and too ashamed and scared to reach out for help. I noticed often go out of my way for other people, but when I reached out to them, I get dismissed -- which further triggered my worthless feelings. I knew this girl from school who said was in a toxic relationship, she had a physical fight with her boyfriend and she ended up in jail, from where she called me out of the blue, I picked her up, gave her my room, helped her find an apartment, helped her pack, she had me carry most of her moving boxes into my car and from my car to her new apartment. She never thanked me or talked to me again. A few months ago another friend was going through a breakup, she was so heartbroken she said she was feeling like she wanted to end her life. I felt bad for her, so I drove an hour to her house daily, I would bring her breakfast and would always text her to let her know she could always reach out to me. I never ignored her calls or texts. She used to say that I could reach out to her if I ever needed her. A few weeks ago, I was struggling with a class she has already taken and graduated from. I was nervous I would fail the class, which I sadly did, I was feeling stupid and depressed, I reached out to her to ask her about advice of how to better prepare myself for the class (bc I had to retake it), and I shared I was feeling very sad about failing. She never replied or talked to me again. And many other similar stories... But looking back, I would most likely still be as helpful in most of these situations. When people tell me their sad stories my heart breaks from them and I just want to support and help them... But I wonder, am I being nice and helpful or people pleasing bc of trauma bonding? How can I stop this people pleasing and self neglecting behavior? And why don't notice it when I'm doing it over and over again? It makes me sad for me, but also immensely mad at myself. Call me naive, but I'm hoping to heal with no resentment, instead just let go and no care, and give that love to myself instead of other people.

How can I stay focused and motivated through my last semester? If I don't pass this class I'll get kicked out of school

ADHD Support / by GlassHummingbird1100

September 8th, 2023

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