Golden55 Member Profile

...See more I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now. It started out just as FWB as i was in the process of moving my exhusband out of my house. Well come the new year and we started considering each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything is going fairly well, but as we get closer and as I connect to him, i get more and more anxious. Here is a little background so you can understand why. My exhusband and I were married very young, i was 20 and he was 19. The longer we were together the more I realized that I never really loved him the way he deserved. Like the kind of love you would be devestated if something happened to him.. I didnt have that. It was more of a roommate situation after about 3 years of marriage... there was no physical attractions, no romance, it was basically like we were roommates. We did end up having two kids together and because times are tough i ended up working a second job, where I actually met people who listend and understood thoughts I was having and was unjudgmental about it. After a lot of thought we broke up and went our separate ways. On to the present. My current boyfriend is very sweet, makes me feel safe, makes me feel important, and loves my kids. All very important things to me. He hasnt said "I love you" to me yet, and i think that is part where my anxiety kicks in. I also worry that the same thing will happen with him as did my last relationship but on his end not mine. I know he feels the need to start settling down, he told me he wanted to have kids before he was 30 but he is all about taking time getting into a relationship. So I worry that I am just here and happen to actually love him a lot and he is just going to settle with me and not really love me, like I did with my ex. I know he has given me no real reason to believe this, it is just my irrational fear that everyone is going to leave and that I am not worth anyones time. I really love this guy, i have had no one quite take care of me the way he does, pay attention to me the way he does, remember little things about me the way he does, it means a lot. But I guess because he hasnt told me he loves me leaves me worrying that maybe he never will or that I am unloveable or that he just isnt that into me... I know it must seem silly and dumb for me to feel this way. But I am just so fearful. I almost want to break up with him so I dont have to deal with him falling out of love with me if he ever falls in love. I dont want to get hurt again. I dont want to lose someone I really care about and so I feel like the only safe option for me is to run away. To stop answering his texts. To just find someone as a FWB and not worry about love anymore. I'll stop ranting... but it feels better to get this all off my chest...

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