Somewhat New Relationship Fears
I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now. It started out just as FWB as i was in the process of moving my exhusband out of my house. Well come the new year and we started considering each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Everything is going fairly well, but as we get closer and as I connect to him, i get more and more anxious. Here is a little background so you can understand why.
My exhusband and I were married very young, i was 20 and he was 19. The longer we were together the more I realized that I never really loved him the way he deserved. Like the kind of love you would be devestated if something happened to him.. I didnt have that. It was more of a roommate situation after about 3 years of marriage... there was no physical attractions, no romance, it was basically like we were roommates. We did end up having two kids together and because times are tough i ended up working a second job, where I actually met people who listend and understood thoughts I was having and was unjudgmental about it. After a lot of thought we broke up and went our separate ways.
On to the present. My current boyfriend is very sweet, makes me feel safe, makes me feel important, and loves my kids. All very important things to me. He hasnt said "I love you" to me yet, and i think that is part where my anxiety kicks in. I also worry that the same thing will happen with him as did my last relationship but on his end not mine. I know he feels the need to start settling down, he told me he wanted to have kids before he was 30 but he is all about taking time getting into a relationship. So I worry that I am just here and happen to actually love him a lot and he is just going to settle with me and not really love me, like I did with my ex. I know he has given me no real reason to believe this, it is just my irrational fear that everyone is going to leave and that I am not worth anyones time. I really love this guy, i have had no one quite take care of me the way he does, pay attention to me the way he does, remember little things about me the way he does, it means a lot. But I guess because he hasnt told me he loves me leaves me worrying that maybe he never will or that I am unloveable or that he just isnt that into me...
I know it must seem silly and dumb for me to feel this way. But I am just so fearful. I almost want to break up with him so I dont have to deal with him falling out of love with me if he ever falls in love. I dont want to get hurt again. I dont want to lose someone I really care about and so I feel like the only safe option for me is to run away. To stop answering his texts. To just find someone as a FWB and not worry about love anymore.
I'll stop ranting... but it feels better to get this all off my chest...
@Golden55
You said, "I dont want to lose someone I really care about..." Then don't. Start by letting go of such an irrational fear that you've dreamed up for yourself - so that it doesn't become a self-fulfilling prophesy.
Love is really a by-product. Its made up of so many different factors in your relationship with him, some you can control and some of them you cannot. A relationship is not what it seems when media and movies sell it to you. In the real world, away from Hollywood blockbusters, Love takes a long period of time to develop and it goes in many different stages. Youve made this a goal in your relationship, to attain his love and affection when you clearly already have it even without him having to say the words. I realize that saying it is important and in time he will – but, so is doing instead of telling. Doesnt he show you in so many ways why hes crazy about you and your kids? He has many choices out there for women he could be with but its pretty clear that hes chosen you.
Sure, a FWB is easy. If easy is what you prefer, a real relationship where you actually have to put in effort every single day is not for you, and that is OK. Relationships are not for everyone because they require time, effort, commitment, and its a never ending responsibility to maintain your ethics, sense of self, and keep things spiced up between you.
If this man is so amazing, dont just tell him… show him what he means to you. It doesnt even have to be expensive, guys really are easy to please. Youve been with him long enough to know things that he might like – treat him like the king he is to you. Ill tell you straight, a man that is well taken care of is less likely to stray, get bored, or trade you in. Once a man feels special, loved, sexy, important, and valued there isnt anything he wouldnt do for you and the kids.
It doesnt matter what happened with your last marriage. In fact, the only take-away you need to do is a bit of soul searching as to what went wrong and more importantly how it will not repeat in your future situations… but keep this in mind, your new man is not the previous one in any way. Therefore, behaviors you saw the first time around are not likely to repeat.
In your post I saw a bunch of things that he does for you… but I didnt see anything about what you do for him or how you work hard to make him feel valued and important to you.
There is no contract, even in marriage, that keeps someone BOUND to you for life. Being together is a CHOICE. With that said, there is no guarantee that he will always be with you. However, you will find that the best relationships out there include two people who wouldnt have life any other way. They are happy they found one another (under whatever circumstances) and they work very hard at making sure the other person knows they are loved, appreciated, valued, wanted, sexy, and heard.
So, in short – let love seep in. Its not a race. Him telling you that he loves you isnt the goal. Fear can only breed more fear. Allow your relationship to grow and develop over a long period of time. You struck out on the first try, that is ok. Forgive yourself. Now you have another chance with a man that is obviously willing to take the time to remember the little things.
No need to run away… if anything, you should be running towards this situation with open arms. Men like this do not grow on trees. Give this relationship all that you can… and if it works out GREAT, if not, you can at least say that you did everything you possibly could. No need to allow that fear to kill such a great connection with someone simply because youre terrified of what he MIGHT do some day.
Good Luck.
@Sventek
I think it's hard for a man to move you from FWB to wifey as men tend to have a one dimensional view of women and relationships. The part about men "that are well taken care of" don't tend to stray, etc. That bs malarkey propagates the "illusion" that the right woman can have this mythical power over her man. Men cheat b/c they like sex, cheating, lying, playing games and other nonsense. It's also why men act like blithering idiots when it comes to cheating. Remember the Bill Clinton and Monica Lewisinky craziness?
@Minxx - While I agree with you that the myth of a well taken care of man not straying does set up an unrealistic picture of a 'woman's power', I think the rest of what you have said is a pretty big generalization about men that isn't fair to the majority of men who do not cheat and are not driven by their sex drives above all else. Please try to keep things supportive in the forums!