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HardenedGlass
230 M Embraced 2
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2019 Member sinceMay 22, 2017
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Need Help Diagnosing Please.
Depression Support / by HardenedGlass
Last post
 June 23rd, 2017
...See more Apologises if this is in the wrong forum section I just need some help. About a month and a half ago I started looking into my mental health because I always felt not quite right. After looking in to many different things I ended up confusing myself. https://www.7cups.com/forum/DepressionSupportCommunity_52/DepressionGeneralthreads_30/IDontKnowHowIFeel_70501/ Until more recently I took a step back and look into depression, every depression test I do online comes back with severe depression (NHS, phq-9, psychology website s, 7cups etc.) And the other things I feel (the link) could simply be symptoms of depression. Seeing a therapist would be very difficult where I live. So I need someone else's input who knows about depression so I can be sure of myself and not just self diagnosing. Thank you
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I Don't Know How I Feel.
Depression Support / by HardenedGlass
Last post
 May 23rd, 2017
...See more First off, I apologise if this is in the wrong section as I didn't really know where to write this since I don't know how I feel. It's diffcult to even think about so god knows how i'm going to write it. Recently, i've been interested in my mental state because i've always felt i'm not quite right but always found stuff to distract me from looking into it. I'm basically just going to vent everything so apologies for all the spelling mistakes. My basic problem is I feel like i change all the time and i don't understand what i'm really thinking. Like i have no personality i just reflect other people, i'm neither happy or sad i just feel nothing yet i have a good life. i go on holiday for example and i recognise it's a good moment but i just don't feel anything. some days i'll wake up and just feel insane, i'm so inwardly bitter and angry at myself for no reason. other days i'm absolutely fine. from what i've read i have avoidant personaltity disorder and most of dependant personality disorder (which makes no sense), anxiety, but i can't tell whether i have a mental problem or whether i'm just making it all up in my head. i looked into bipolar types and some days i'm certain i have bipolar 2 but other days i'm like "nah i'm fine, i'm just making it up because i want a mental disorder". i have no motivation to do anything because it just benefits me. I see myself as absolutley worthless, i have done all my life to the point where i honestly accept it. i believe all my friends don't actually like me and are only there because they can't get away from me, like they all talk about me behind my back. i get anxious in social situtaions but not outwardly anxious just in the back of my mind like i don't belong, it's like i have a separate personality that acts like a shell which i don't fully control which does the talking and reflects the people around me. i plan out conversations in my head and sometimes struggle when it's spontaneous. i imagine myself in situtations which will literally never happen where people really like me and pretend it's real. i never take myself seroiusly and would never start a relationship because i don't understand how anyone could truly like me and would definately get rejected immediately. but at the same time i'm lonely and crave some sort of interaction and get obsessive over people. another random thing i've noticed is i view everyone as far superior to me so i don't judge anyone even in my own mind, i used to but in the last few years anyone can act anyway towards me or just in general and i wont care or judge them, because they're still better than me. recently (last few days) as i've been looking into mental health i seem to have a massive increase in anxiety i've always had trouble sleeping but once i'm asleep i massively over sleep but now i really struggle to sleep because my heart is pounding and my chest is tight. one night inparticular i was really quite bad to the point where i almost sat up in bed at like 3 in the morning to calm myself down because it felt like i was about to have a heart attack. but here's nothing to cause this. Or maybe i'm just reading the symptoms and faking it. when walking in public i feel like all eyes are on me judging me, disliking me but at the same time sometimes life doesn't feel real as if my eyes are a screen or a window rather than it actually being real. i'm just so confused some days i'm fine other days i'm not some days i think differently to other days. on the most basic level i don't know who i am or what i feel because i feel like i'm faking it but i'm not but maybe i am and maybe i'm actually completely healthy and fine this is just all made up because i think people will be like me if i have a mental disorder but at the same time if i really did have a mental disorder i'd never tell anyone because it's my stupid problem and all it would do is worry people. i don't do anything with my life i'm scared of getting a job because and i think it's because of the resposibility involved but i don't even know but when i actually speak to someone in real life about jobs i'm normal like "yeah i'm looking into jobs" all sort of confident. i just don't know how i feel anymore. This has dragged on way too long if you got this far through this absolute mess congrats. If anyone knows what is going on I'd like some advice please, writing this has made me realised i'm more messed up in the head than i thought.
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