HarleenSebastian Member Profile

...See more Feeling Invisible I guess through out my life during high school up to college I have always felt empty and unhappy. When I was a young girl life felt like a dream, everything was an adventure, and I drew whatever I wanted with out worry or comparing to other people. But as I got older, life felt like one big competition or just one big comparison. I felt like I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, or talented enough. So, I always worked my hardest so I could make big accomplishments in my life...so I could feel important and noticed for my efforts. I am currently in college, I still love to draw (art is my life), and I am a honors student. I live a comfortable life and my family loves me to pieces, and they do anything for me. I am healthy and nothing is wrong with me. So why am I so sad? I just feel like even with all the positive things going for me it is not good enough because it always seems like people have it more well off. I still compare myself to people, like for example if I am on FaceBook I compare myself to other beautiful girls online (or anywhere on the internet) and I even my art with other people online. I use Deviantart so I post my art up there, and on Tumblr as well and I want people to notice my art work and to notice my talents. However, I am always looked over by other popular artists or even more talented people so I get depressed in the end and feel like trash afterwards. It is like I can never be at the status that I want. It sounds so silly but it is like I am saying "I am depressed because I am not well known or popular" at least that is what it sounds like in my head. I am just always alone...I try my best to be nice to everyone, I always smile, look nice, and just be open. But when I think I made a new friend I am just pushed ahead as they go and talk to their other friends. I think I am just a self-loathing person I don't like anything about myself, I look in the mirror and I feel ugly. I never had a boyfriend ever..so I must be ugly. I look at my art and I wish I was like those popular artists on Tumblr or Patreon or DeviantArt. Even though I am a honors student, I feel like a dummy most of the time. I hate talking to people because in the end I regret doing it because I think that they look at me like I am stupid. I just wish I could force myself to be happy but I can't do that because I just don't feel like there is nothing to be happy about because its never good enough I am not good enough. Sometimes, I would even think about just falling out of the school window and hit the pavement...maybe hoping that finally people will notice me. Maybe if I just hurt myself people would care about me more...I don't know what to do. I am just an unhappy self loathing person...

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