Feeling Invisible
Feeling Invisible
I guess through out my life during high school up to college I have always felt empty and unhappy. When I was a young girl life felt like a dream, everything was an adventure, and I drew whatever I wanted with out worry or comparing to other people. But as I got older, life felt like one big competition or just one big comparison. I felt like I wasn't smart enough, pretty enough, or talented enough. So, I always worked my hardest so I could make big accomplishments in my life...so I could feel important and noticed for my efforts. I am currently in college, I still love to draw (art is my life), and I am a honors student. I live a comfortable life and my family loves me to pieces, and they do anything for me. I am healthy and nothing is wrong with me. So why am I so sad? I just feel like even with all the positive things going for me it is not good enough because it always seems like people have it more well off. I still compare myself to people, like for example if I am on FaceBook I compare myself to other beautiful girls online (or anywhere on the internet) and I even my art with other people online. I use Deviantart so I post my art up there, and on Tumblr as well and I want people to notice my art work and to notice my talents. However, I am always looked over by other popular artists or even more talented people so I get depressed in the end and feel like trash afterwards. It is like I can never be at the status that I want. It sounds so silly but it is like I am saying "I am depressed because I am not well known or popular" at least that is what it sounds like in my head. I am just always alone...I try my best to be nice to everyone, I always smile, look nice, and just be open. But when I think I made a new friend I am just pushed ahead as they go and talk to their other friends. I think I am just a self-loathing person I don't like anything about myself, I look in the mirror and I feel ugly. I never had a boyfriend ever..so I must be ugly. I look at my art and I wish I was like those popular artists on Tumblr or Patreon or DeviantArt. Even though I am a honors student, I feel like a dummy most of the time. I hate talking to people because in the end I regret doing it because I think that they look at me like I am stupid. I just wish I could force myself to be happy but I can't do that because I just don't feel like there is nothing to be happy about because its never good enough I am not good enough. Sometimes, I would even think about just falling out of the school window and hit the pavement...maybe hoping that finally people will notice me. Maybe if I just hurt myself people would care about me more...I don't know what to do. I am just an unhappy self loathing person...
I know what I say might not help, but you are a wonderful person for staying strong!
It's good that you have a goal set for you and something you want from life. You may feel like you're not the best yet but with your dedication and desire you can easily be the best of the best. Just don't give up or lose hope. Anything is possible. And I wish you all the best! 
@anchoredwithhope Well thank you for your kind words though :D I just wish I was more confident and happier with myself. I don't know what my future will be >.<
Well if you knew your future it wouldn't be as fun ? One day we'll look back at all of this and we'll be proud that we never gave up. If you work hard enough and get back up when you've failed a few hundred times , then you'll be good.
Just don't forget to take care of yourself...
I know how hard it is to accept yourself 100% but I hope you find a way to love yourself regardless of anyone else.
Why aren't you happy with yourself? Why do you think you have low self confidence?
@anchoredwithhope Well, I guess I can only assume that I have low self esteem because I just don't see myself as good enough. Like there is nothing unique or really special about me. I have no self worth, if someone were to beat me I'd probably accept the treatment because it feels like I deserve it...
@HarleenSebastian I think we're all unique. We have our own fingerprint. Our own DNA, even identical twins are unique. You should figure out what makes you unique and shoe that to the world. I'm sorry you feel that way though. We're all here to support you. Have you tried the art showcasing in the forums? It could also be a fun way of showcasing your art.. Just keep believing you'll be the best some day ...
@anchoredwithhope I haven't really tries showcasing my art here, it doesn't really seem like a art type forum I guess. But it is hard for me to continue thinking that someday Ill be the best or someday I'll be noticed when I think I should be noticed right now...I don't want to be dead and no one remembers me or I don't want to die and become famous just because I died. It's not fair...but it seems like the only way anybody becomes famous is after they die
@HarleenSebastian That is never true, it's mostly because of bad luck. Art is one of the hardest ways to get noticed, so it's better to keep an open mind that you are still young. There is so much time in the world.Yes maybe you deserve recognition now but if you just keep staying positive and trying different things like art competitions, different websites, try making a label for your art to showcase it, try selling art, Some day you will get what you have worked for.
@anchoredwithhope You make it sound so easy to do, I mean sometimes I can do that and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I may not get in the competitions, and sometimes competitions are bias. I may not be able to sell my art (mostly I paint digital anyway)...I'd feel like you'd have to be an artist to understand...it isn't an easy thing to do. Which is why I am so stressed out. It's not fair.
@HarleenSebastian I'm sorry, it was just a suggestion. I know it must be the hardest thing to do. I wish you all the best and I'm sure that someday you will find your way. I guess that would help if I were an artist yes..
I don't think you are depressed because you're not well known or popular. As human beings we all have a desire to feel like we are noticed and that our talents are recognised. We seek approval. It's a natural state to be in.
I think it is very hard to accept that there will always be comparison. You see something done by someone else and think "I'm just not good enough" but you are. That's just the little voice in your head trying to put you down because it's easy to hate yourself, much easier than loving yourself. Self love is a process that I have seen others achieve, it is possible, but it is difficult when you can't see anything good about yourself.
I've never been in a relationship either. And it does have an effect on your self esteem. You start wondering why you're not good enough for anyone and it's hard to accept that there is no one for you have by your side. But once again, that is the horrible, self loathing side telling you things that aren't true. Everyone gets their shot. Just think, would the people in your life say the mean things to you that you say to yourself? I highly doubt that because they actually know you, they've met you. You, however, have never seen yourself through another persons eyes. And because we are generally self loathing creatures it's hard to see how amazing we really are.
I've been down that dark road many times. I discovered that it was my cry for help. I just wanted everyone to notice that I wasn't okay like I pretended to be. Have you ever thought about talking to someone about these issues? Support is very helpful in these situations because even if you feel lonely, you feel heard. Don't let yourself be silenced. You are not invisible and you don't deserve to be.
Stay strong, lovely. Sending you lots of love - DA
@discreetAcres6234 Well to be honest, I don't try to tell people how I feel because if I do it will only turn them away or they will send me to a shrink or someone that we have to pay in order for them to listen to our problems. When there should be human beings out there that I can talk to for free. To me it seems like the only way people will ever care to notice me is if I died, because some famous people get noticed after death (which seems pretty unfair) I'd like to be noticed now...while I'm still young and not old or not after I'm dead...
@HarleenSebastian there is so much life to be lived. Death is a permanent thing. You won't be around to see if you get more recognition or not. People will just think of you in past tense, it will not make you happy, it'll just be a waste of talent. Whereas when you're alive you get to experience these emotions and feelings of recognition. Your time will come. Everyone gets their chance to feel happy and like they finally reached the point where they have achieved something that they've been chasing after. That's what life is, a big chase. You can't throw that all away, you need to be here in order to create more art for people to see.
You're not done chasing this dream yet. If you're doing what you love and it makes you happy, nothing else should matter. You just need to keep going and try thinking outside the box a bit more when it comes to showcasing your work. Keep your eye out for local opportunities and do some research on how to showcase your art. There are so many different avenues out there to try. And if you fail, try and try again.
Your talents are needed on this earth. Don't give up
Girl, I understand. I feel ignored sometimes and I too, have never had a boyfriend. It feels bad sometimes! It hurts! You feel that you'll never be seen or loved, but that's just the little Lord Byron inside our heads having a tantrum. Someday, though that too feels bad, you will be noticed.
@writecolorread
This was such a wonderful post. I appreciate you showing support and sharing your personal story to relate. You are such a compassionate person!! and I love what you said!
@writecolorread I actually had to google who Lord Byron was lol, but I do see your point but it is very difficult for me to think that someday I could be the best or someday I'll be important. I could just lay down and die at any moment and during the time I was alive nothing amazing happened to me. I just wish I was a somebody right now and not later or not when I am dead..
I'm totally not saying after you're dead girlfriend! I'm saying eventually someone will notice you, you can depend on it. The DA artists I've seen like kosperry hardly ever do self promotion people notice and it goes around. It can take a long time, but it does happen!