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Hoagblaine
177 M Embraced 1
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts10 Forum upvotes18 Current upvotes18 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2020 Member sinceNovember 29, 2020
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I wanna give up
Depression Support / by Hoagblaine
Last post
 December 12th, 2020
...See more I wanna just throw in the towel and walk away. Don't worry I'm not suicidal I just want to leave everything. I wanna throw this phone, drop everything, and just start walking. I won't stop I'll just keep going. I'll find the deepest hole to crawl into and make that my home. I'm tired. I'm so fuckin tired and angry. I'm just so damn angry. I want to quit. I want to just leave everyone. I'm seriously spiraling out of control here. I'm really not sure how ling I can keep this up. I know I sounded put together in my otger posts in comparison but that was me trying my best bot to seem like a complete mess. I want to cry. I picture me crying in my head a lot. I dream about it, but I can't shed one tear. Not one. I was 8 the last time I remember crying and I'm 31 now. If I could just be aloud to let it out. If I could just be alone...idk screw it.
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Idk what to title this
Depression Support / by Hoagblaine
Last post
 December 5th, 2020
...See more There are many days that I don't feel "depressed." Guess I've lied to myself about my depression for so many years that the weight of gloom just feels normal and I say to myself "see, you don't need help you're fine" or "maybe it's all in your head. Just listen to some good music, drink some coffee and you'll be fine" yet, I find myself telling myself that quite a lot. I still have glimces of my innerself screaming "let me out!" People ask me what's wrong all the time. I just say "that's just my face" and I laugh. I really bought that myself. Thinking back on it people used to say the opposite. They used to say "you know everytime I see you you always have the biggest smile on your face." What was I so damn happy about? Why can't I go back to that? What has made me this way? I talked my way back into a relationship with my loving girlfriend. I promised things would change and that I had a momebt of clarity and I'll start to show her more affection and that I care. I'm afraid though because I don't know how to show her ajy affection right now. I'll just pretend to show her until I forget to pretend. Idk. This is just me talking to myself I guess.
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Just now found out I've been depressed for years
Depression Support / by Hoagblaine
Last post
 November 29th, 2020
...See more I just found out I'm depressed. I guess I've been depressed for many many years. It's become a personality trait for me. I used to be high energy. I used to be out going. My girlfriend just broke up with me last night. She said I neglected her. I didn't know why I had no motivation to do anything. I didn't know why I lacked an empathy I had before. I didn't know why I didn't feel love. She's the one who pointed it out to me and she's right. I've been sad for so long that I didn't even recognize it as being sad. I feel like I've had a breakthrough in seeing this about myself, but I don't know what to do with this information. I'll be moving out of her place in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile I'll be sleeping on the couch. I feel lost. I have no direction. I have no will. I feel hollow and have felt that way for a long time and I have no idea why or where that's changed for me in my past. I feel like crying, but I honestly don't think I've cried since I was 8 years old and I'm not sure I remember how to. Is that possible? How do I let myself feel vulnerable? How do I peel away these layers of rock and fill it's hollow insides with something other than dread? I vaguely remember being happy once, but as I think about it more and more I feel like even then I was fooling myself. I'm just realizing that I've been lying to myself and living in this fantasy world for so long that I can no longer say I know who I am.
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