Just now found out I've been depressed for years

@Hoagblaine

Hello, I commend you for taking this step and coming to this realization about yourself.

"I just found out I'm depressed. I guess I've been depressed for many many years. It's become a personality trait for me. I used to be high energy. I used to be out going."

I have seen that happen with other people. The following is my opinion and observation but *not* medical advice and *not* counseling/therapy. I think that Western society over-emphasizes positivity, extraversion (being outgoing), high energy, rah rah rah! go go go! personalities, and "always on," ever upward, achieve if it kills you, do or die trying, etc.

In my opinion, this is crazy, and probably deadly when taken to extremes. We do need time to reflect, rest, regenerate, sleep, be turned inward, cocoon, and do nothing. It's a little like nighttime. Nature rests. Winter is a time of rest. We are not separate from nature and we need rest just as much as the world does. We need the fallow, resting, non-doing time in order to be whole and able to return to activity again in time. Does this make sense?

In my opinion, it's possible the change you are describing is due to some unmet need that has begun taking priority in your body, mind or spirit, somewhere. Only you can tell what that might be. Or it might be an imbalance in your body that needs attention.

"My girlfriend just broke up with me last night. She said I neglected her. I didn't know why I had no motivation to do anything. I didn't know why I lacked an empathy I had before. I didn't know why I didn't feel love. She's the one who pointed it out to me and she's right. I've been sad for so long that I didn't even recognize it as being sad."

I'm sorry for the breakup which is hard all on its own. It's possible this sadness had become normal for you and it took another person to point it out. But it doesn't make you a bad person, either! Right? You're still loveable.

"I feel like I've had a breakthrough in seeing this about myself, but I don't know what to do with this information."

Good for you! You've identified something is wrong and needs to be addressed. That's a crucial beginning step!

"I feel lost. I have no direction. I have no will. I feel hollow and have felt that way for a long time and I have no idea why or where that's changed for me in my past. I feel like crying, but I honestly don't think I've cried since I was 8 years old and I'm not sure I remember how to. Is that possible?"

Yes. I went through a long spell of this, and it took the death of my beloved partner to crack me open. Now I cry at animal rescue videos, reunions, weddings, TV programs, etc. I don't mind. It means I have a softer heart than I did.

"How do I let myself feel vulnerable? How do I peel away these layers of rock and fill it's hollow insides with something other than dread?"

I'm hoping one of the many great people at 7cups will be able to share their thoughts on these questions.

"I vaguely remember being happy once, but as I think about it more and more I feel like even then I was fooling myself. I'm just realizing that I've been lying to myself and living in this fantasy world for so long that I can no longer say I know who I am."

I know it's painful, and it hurts, and it sucks. In researching for my own experience, I ran across something called "The dark night of the soul." it's a documented phenomenon known about for hundreds of years, and is a very *normal* part of the human experience. I would like to suggest you search for dark night of the soul online, in YouTube, and in the library if you can. I assure you that you'll find you're in good company.

Take good care in this time.