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HopefulFuture87
233 M Embraced 2
PathStep 32 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2021 Member sinceJuly 24, 2021
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Any1 leave, leaving, or want to leave a narcissist after years? Not easy even when mind been made up for 3yrs
Trauma Support / by HopefulFuture87
Last post
 August 18th, 2021
...See more This is long! Fair warning In the beginning, I had my own "things", such as a vehicle in my name, my own place, support from family, more friends, and more hope. I struggled with depression, anxiety and cptsd at the same time but always had some hope and when I was at my lowest points before him, I could get or ask for help without guilt trips for the most part. Today, about 7 years later, the place I live is in his name. 4 vehicles in the driveway, all in his name, yes 2 broken down that are being worked on but 2 running and not one in my name. I have two kids from previous relationship, and now a beautiful daughter(toddler) with him. She's the one good thing from this relationship. Started with getting full blown addicted the first 6 months of being together. He introduced me to a lot more than I had gotten myself into on my own and I just went along, let it happen. I was emotionally and mentally unwell and the drugs took the hurt away at first. It was also something we did "together". Looking back, I did not want to be "alone" anymore so I see why I kept trying to make what I thought was a relationship out of a very messy situation. There were so many red flags, yet due to my mental state back then, I truly convinced myself that all of those red flags were just his way of caring. Now I see very clearly how my thought process was not right. I think to myself "how could I have not seen how bad things were going to get? Or why did it not click in my headwhen he said certain things to run the other way? Was I that desperate for attention and to not be alone?" But now I trynot to think too hard about why and how. That doesn't help. Today, I am over a week into the process of "escaping". The physical violence has been far and few between but the emotional, financial, and I'm not even sure what else to call the types of abuse, they still go on to this day. He's a narcissist. I wanted to believe otherwise but I knew 3 years ago, tried to leave but had nothing, no one, no support, no money, no plan, just me and a shelter home and it was not long until I was back under his control. Today I thankfully have some funds saved up, a way to have income even without a full time job lined up, a little extra support, the knowledge of what to expect, especially expecting the part where my brain plays tricks on me like making me only see the good in our relationship instead of all of the bad. I have a list of my reasons that I will look at daily. Yet this is still hard, this is still scary, I don'twant to fail. My biggest hope is that my daughter will learn what is and what is not acceptable from other people, behavior wise boundaries etc. She may only be a toddler but they are so smart. They watch and listen to everything so I'm keeping strong bc i never want to see her think the things her father says and does to me is okay for anyone to do or say to her. No longer addicted, I go to addiction treatment, been going for over 3 years now. I can truly afford a few months on my own with what's saved up and a reliable vehicle if I play my cards right. Even so, I'm anxious. I'm having depression symptoms that I'm expecting to have and haven't even walked out the door. This past week, I've made sure to gather important papers, take a load of belongings to where we are going and make to do lists, along with a medication change going on and if you are reading this and take medication, you know that's not fun all by itself but i needed it done now. It's delayed my progress with hiding the fact I'm moving things out and packing those things. He thinks it's a yard sale planned for next weekend, and I'm able to move moving boxes packed with belongings out, luckily he doesn't dig, well as long as i don't give any suspicions. I'm moving these to a friend's nearby so once I'm out, I can easily collect these things without him interfering. The only problem is I have so much, between the kids and myself that I'm trying to prioritize what i need to grab the most after my important papers. I'm more calm with the medication kicking in but this is still a very scatter brained situation. 10xs a day I end up telling myself "if you can't get anything but important papers, irreplaceable and sentimental items then it's fine. Then i tell myself i also need to grab things that are going to cost me financially more to replace. The battle inside has stopped me from getting more done. So the other day i started on my closet and finding all important and sentimental, irreplaceable items first. I want to be gone by next weekend. I know the closer the day comes, the harder this will be even though I know it's best. It's fight flight freeze. For 7 years I have been frozen and about to flight out this relationship and its not easy. I know this is long but I needed to get this out, and hoping someone understands where I'm coming from, maybe someone even finds strength or relates. I do have hope again, but I'm struggling with motivation and need that extra motivation so bad right now. I know no one can do this for me but I tend to forget that I do not have to do this alone so I'm reaching out, communication with others in similar situations or thats left similar situations?
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