Horsewhisperer420 Member Profile

...See more I get overwhelming feelings of disparity of (aka anxiety) when I think; someone has a problem with me, I did something wrong to upset someone, or they dont want me/need me. I cant see clearly where I am wanted and needed. I cant understand other boundaries, because I feel a need to be wanted/needed. When I feel this anxiety, I instantly cry, its hard to hold back the tears. I go from 0-100 so quick... I cant think straight.... I just feel like Im not worth anything at all and no one loves me. I dont know how to make this feeling stop. Ive cried for hours and hours, trying to breath it out, and self calm myself, but I usually have to either smoke cannabis or cry myself to sleep. I just hysterically cry, life feels OVER and DOOMED for me, it can be extreme. Ill get suicidal thoughts often when this reaction occurs. Ive been told I overreact, but its not always easy for me to see its just an overreaction... the pain of rejection burns SOO hard in my chest and all I can hear in my head is how Im not good enough for anyone and no one wants me. I feel an IMPULSE and need to run away. I have tried different coping mechanisms, and sometimes it can help, but often times the awful thoughts drive it. I feel I do try to remind myself that Im loved, but its hard to convince myself, which seems ridiculous. Why must I battle and convince myself that Im loved and worthy of love? Why must it feel like war? Why cant I feel just accepted easily, like I (probably) am??? Tonight Pedro (boyfriend) states that he needs time to think.... he didnt want to sleep with me in bed, but want to sleep on the couch to get space. He wants to think about if he wants to be alone or with me. He thinks that being alone would be easier. He stated he loves me, but feels he wants to spend time alone this evening to be with his thoughts. I instantly freaked out with anxiety, thinking he doesnt love me. I feel overwhelmed with rejection, and I dont know how to process what he is saying. I feel pain so deeply, so much so, that I dont process his own needs. Im so scared he is going to leave me too. I often feel I have no body, and if he was gone, who would I have then?? I dont empathize with him at all, cause my anxiety gets bad that quick, and I resort to the worst, so quickly (hysterically crying). Its embarrassing. I feel a lack of control over the tears that formulate in less than 10 seconds. I wish I had felt stronger. This happens often, when my anxiety gets out of control and causes some elses needs/thoughts/ unable to be properly addressed. For example, My Mom has struggled to communicate with me because Ill get overwhelmed with anxiety. I jump to conclusions quick and start to cry, which stops all communication. I feel ashamed. After just now calming down, I feel like I should had just respected his need to take his own personal space to think things out... I certainly wanted to, I wouldnt want to take an emotional need away from him. I certainly want to show him I care, and his feelings matter. But my emotions cloud my judgement, but to him, Im not being supportive and Im crying to manipulate him. Honestly, I called my Mom crying and she had to make this obvious to me to understand. I honestly think that my anxiety is the culprit to the majority of stress in our relationship, since its so frequent. It's probably the culprit to my lack of friends close friendships in my life as well. I often lose friends yearly. It's hard to feel like people would want to stick around for me now. Often I think, I wish someone could try to love me for me... But, honestly, is it fair to ask someone to accept being with someone who cries so easily, so often. Im sure being with a sensitive over emotional person is not easy. I mean.... I basically overreacted, believing he doesnt love me anymore. There are many other instance where I have easily cried and got offended/hurt by the smallest of things. I worry Pedro will leave me because I have been left in the past before due to my anxiety issues, and I know its a problem, I think its a reason I cant keep friends. Not really sure what to do.... this is more of a rant than anything. My Mom thinks its fixable, but right now I feel Id be better off not alive, because I feel so much (too much). Im 27 years old, and I feel I dont have a solid foundation with any relationship in my life. I feel insecure about my relationships often. My social circle is literally my Mom, a cousin, one friend, and my boyfriend. 4 people.... My Mom says I have always felt things so deeply and process things differently from others. Not really sure what she means! Im still trying to learn who I am!! I have been called an empath, overly sensitive, and emotional more times than I can count, throughout my life.... will I always be this way??

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