Howdobeesfly Member Profile

...See more I’m not sure if I’m doing this correctly and I’m new to this platform so I apologize if this isn’t the right way of going about this. So, like the title says, I’m the cheater. I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a collective total of eight years now. Several years ago I was unhappy in the relationship and chose a very toxic and selfish method of trying to end things, I began cheating and started a. intimate relationship with someone else. Once she found out, we broke up and we both went our separate ways. The person I was doing the cheating with and I began dating. The relationship lasted several months before I started to become unhappy and did the same thing to her. Afterwards, I spent roughly two years just being single and living on my own and trying to learn more about myself. Her and I reconnected recently after coming back from a year over seas and I was/still am very happy in our relationship. She’s a great person and is someone who is always willing to listen in hopes of us understanding each other. She makes me happy and I know I love her, and as far a the sexual aspect of the relationship, it’s great as well and we both have the same interests. I always began to develop this borderline overwhelming impulse for sexual arousal from other people. I don’t know why I do it and i know that I’m a terrible person for it and that not only does it hurt her but I hate/am disgusted with myself afterwards. ignoring other people is no problem when it’s online/through text, I have no issue just blocking/ignoring the person and I don’t have much of a on social media anyways. When it’s a face to face encounter is where I have this feeling of overwhelming desire. For example, an old Friends with benefits( from when I was single) and I ran into each other in my apartment complex the other day as I was getting home and she pretty made it apparent what she wanted in that moment. As I said, it’s not even the act of sex that I feel like drives me to make the decisions, I feel as if it’s the initial contact, and the desire to just know “what’s under the dress” or just thinking about getting to that point. it’s as if I lose focus of everything else in those moments, all thoughts, all cares, all sense of right and wrong, I’m not worried about how I’ll feel if I do this. The only thing I can focus on is my sexual attraction to this person in that moment who clearly is showing/telling me their intentions. Often if It goes to the point of sex, I just lose interest/become so disgusted with myself during the act that I fake an orgasm so It can end and the other person will leave. I know I’m not a good person, and my girlfriend deserves better than the things I put her through. I plan on coming clean with her this week, and regardless of the outcome I just want to be better in the future, if for no other reason than to not hate myself every time I look on the mirror. if you made it this far, thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.

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