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IJustWantToChange
1 91 M Embraced
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2025 Member sinceAugust 14, 2021
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I don't know where to start
Journals & Diaries / by IJustWantToChange
Last post
 October 8th, 2021
...See more I used to think I couldn't get any lower than this but this has been the saddest I've in the past year. Deleting all my video games and social media made me realise how lonely I am. I'm already disconnected from the people I'm around at college. I'm disconnected from the courses I do at college. I fear I'm slowly disconnecting from my family. A year ago I indulged with self-improvement tips. I used to enjoy doing home workouts and nowadays I can't find the energy to do one pushup. What's the point if I can't build muscle. I spent most of my time online. I did nothing but go through different online communities. I spent hours playing video games like it was a coping mechanism. I hear bad news about what happened to an old friend, I go straight the to video game. Eventually, that didn't seem to work anymore. I tried to find solutions. I wanted to join sports clubs but my family told me to focus on studying. I broke down into tears as I was trying to find a solution yet it was blocked. The social media I used was mainly to look at other people's lives. The last received messages were either 7 months ago. I know I'm the problem. I was shy as a little kid. socially awkward and quiet during secondary and I tried to change that. Lately, I feel myself going down that path again. The bullying I got in school was a motivation that got me into weightlifting. I felt so insecure about my looks for a long time that I vowed to never show my face on social media again. People would take the time out of their day to insult my profile picture when I didn't talk to them in the first place. I thought I needed a rival for me to start self-improving. I thought I would need to hit rock bottom for me to be self-improving again. But I just keep hitting lower and lower in all aspects of life and I'm losing more hope. My father tells me not to be a lone wolf but I don't feel I'll be a lone wolf by choice. In 5 to 10 years I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be working a high end with a lot of money then come back to an empty house. I don't want my phone to be this empty in5 to 10 years. I fear death due to me having panic attacks from nicotine withdrawals. I became more aware of my breathing and forced myself to take deep breathes when I feel like I can't notice my breath. Thank you for reading, I just wanted somewhere to rant while I'm feeling sad.
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