I don't know where to start
I used to think I couldn't get any lower than this but this has been the saddest I've in the past year. Deleting all my video games and social media made me realise how lonely I am.
I'm already disconnected from the people I'm around at college. I'm disconnected from the courses I do at college. I fear I'm slowly disconnecting from my family.
A year ago I indulged with self-improvement tips. I used to enjoy doing home workouts and nowadays I can't find the energy to do one pushup. What's the point if I can't build muscle.
I spent most of my time online. I did nothing but go through different online communities. I spent hours playing video games like it was a coping mechanism. I hear bad news about what happened to an old friend, I go straight the to video game. Eventually, that didn't seem to work anymore. I tried to find solutions. I wanted to join sports clubs but my family told me to focus on studying. I broke down into tears as I was trying to find a solution yet it was blocked. The social media I used was mainly to look at other people's lives. The last received messages were either 7 months ago. I know I'm the problem. I was shy as a little kid. socially awkward and quiet during secondary and I tried to change that. Lately, I feel myself going down that path again. The bullying I got in school was a motivation that got me into weightlifting. I felt so insecure about my looks for a long time that I vowed to never show my face on social media again. People would take the time out of their day to insult my profile picture when I didn't talk to them in the first place. I thought I needed a rival for me to start self-improving. I thought I would need to hit rock bottom
for me to be self-improving again. But I just keep hitting lower and lower in all aspects of life and I'm losing more hope. My father tells me not to be a lone wolf but I don't feel I'll be a
lone wolf by choice. In 5 to 10 years I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be working a high end with a lot of money then come back to an empty house. I don't want my phone to be this empty in5 to 10 years. I fear death due to me having panic attacks from nicotine withdrawals. I became more aware of my breathing and forced myself to take deep breathes when I feel like I can't notice my breath.
Thank you for reading, I just wanted somewhere to rant while I'm feeling sad.
@IJustWantToChange
Hi
The good thing about your situation is that you know what you don't want (be lonely and spend your time indoors in front of your computer). So I guess you are yearning for real connections with other people .
Why not to start setting a small goal about how to build your confidence interacting with others? Be willing to open up to a level that you feel comfortable with, and build it up gradually. For instance, you could start interacting with the assistant at the local shop. Maybe you could greet the person with a smile?
Also, I think it's important that you do some kind of exercises and outdoors activities. For example, going for walks or going to the local library. Anything to get you out of the house. Find a new hobby. People usually become friends when they have something in common.
It might take some time before you make a real friend but you won't feel as lonely. We're social beings, we need others. Finally, remember not everyone is a bully and the past doesn't equal the future. You can make this change. You're in control.
Best wishes
Delia
Wow. I don’t know what to say reading this. We are battling the same demons just at different age points in our lives. I feel for you. That “disconnected “ feeling is so scary, so lonely. Refreshing, waiting for people to comment or reach out, knowing they won’t. It’s terrifying. Lonely. I just want you to know you are not alone. Im 37, a father, successful but I feel absolutely empty and hopeless, useless and insecure always now. It’s awful. Seems like nothing makes you happy. There’s a void. A gap you can’t bridge. I am here if you want to talk. Maybe we can pull each other out of here.