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Jemm24
2,139 M Hopeful Heart 3
PathStep 13 Compassion hearts127 Forum posts7 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceSeptember 22, 2020
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I think I have BPD ~ long post
Personality Disorders Support / by Jemm24
Last post
 March 14th
...See more I have suspected for a while I may have BPD. I'll explain why and my symptoms then id appreciate it if someone who has it or has a good knowledge and understanding of BPD could let me if it sounds like i may be suffering from this disorder. Ok so here goes. ° Identity issues - I've never felt like I've had a strong or stable sense of self or identify. When I was growing up, around the ages where your trying to figure out who you are (around ages 12 - 17 for me), I struggled so much with this and didn't know who I was. Id swap and change the way I dress, do my makeup, my likes, dislikes etc. so much and this would largely depend, I guess, on who I was trying to impress or get validation from. For example, id pretend to be emo and into all that stuff around my sister, then a few weeks later id pretend to be a girly girl around my best friend and itd swap and change so much every few weeks. When I was alone tho, I still dunno who I was but I wanted to be a hippie chick or indie girl and wear cool clothes and I listened to Coldplay. But I don't think even that was me bc how would I know? I still have issues with this today, I feel like I just don't know who I really am. ° Fear of abandonment/rejection - I definitely have a history of unstable and intense relationships. I fear being rejected or abandoned and these are my two biggest triggers. I get irrationally upset if a friend is acting distant, quiet or I haven't heard from them for a few days. The logical part of me knows they could just be busy or dealing with something but I start overthinking it and my thoughts tend to go like 'what if they're sick of me?' 'why does everyone always leave me?', 'theyve probably found someone better, prettier, funner', 'why am I never good enough for anyone?' etc. If these thoughts spiral, which they tend to do, I end up sending a load of hurtful and unnecessary messages and I get upset if someone doesn't respond quickly, which I know is immature and silly but yeah. I need constant reassurance that the person isn't gonna leave and/or reject me and this means constant contact. If they are usually talkative and speak to me often then go quiet suddenly (this is another trigger). Its exhausting, not only for me but for my friendships aswell. I usually have 1 person I obess over aswell, which is weird I know, and put them on a pedestal until they say or do something I don't like. It's like this back and forth of idealizing someone to completly hating them like there's no in-between. Being ignored is another massive trigger for me and I get absolutely hysterical if someone is ignoring me or if I just merely perceive them to be, especially if it's the person I'm currently obsessed with. And I always seem to have a current person I'm obsessed with until the next one. ° Unstable moods - I feel empty or 'numb' often but also can feel the full range of human emotions within a few hours, I'm not even kidding. I can go from feeling okay to happy, to really happy, to sad, depressed, completely hopeless and everything in between within a few hours. It feels that way anyway. Exs, friends, and mum and sister have commented on my mood swings and how they find it difficult to cope with. They aren't fun for me either. ° Engaging in risky behavior - I have a history of engaging in risky behavior such as binge drinking, over eating, over spending, unprotected s*x with strangers. I racked up to over £1,000GBP in credit card debt from over spending on things I didn't need. I'm just trying to fill a void and feel better or at least not feel this emptiness. The over spending is still a current issue and I'm frequently in financial issues bc of my spending habits. And binge eating is another problem bc I'm (trying) to quit drinking and sleeping around. I'll leave it there as I don't want this post to get too long but just based on what I've said, does this sound like I could have BPD? I appreciate y'all aren't therapists either, I'm just looking for opinions of people who may have BPD or are familiar with it. I really appreciate any comments.
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