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Jonner
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2016 Member sinceJanuary 15, 2016
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Sex Caused me and my Girlfriend to be Depressed
Depression Support / by Jonner
Last post
 January 15th, 2016
...See more Hello, I'm 15 and recently have been feeling very depressed and terrible about my relationship. So on New Years Eve my girlfriend (also 15) who I have been dating for over a year decided it was the day to lose our virginity. We have tried numerous times previously but today she was going to withstand the pain. The reason we waited so long was for one reason, my girlfriend was raped when she was 10 years old and sex was a really hard decision for her to make. Previously we had done everything else under the sun besides sex. She was told she had depression at 13 years old, the time when she accepted the fact that she was raped and told her family about it. So of course this is a hard decision for her and I'm surprised she was ok with everything else we had done. The time comes when we are going to do it and we do.... She cries and she told me it was just the pain which I later found out that it was not just the pain. Sex just cannot be an enjoyable thing for her I suppose.... So everything was amazing. I lost my virginity to my amazing girlfriend, what could be better? Well... she could be better. I always knew she had problems with herself and her image because of what she has been through but one night around 5 days ago she decides to message me at around 1:00 AM and tell me that she legitimately hates herself... Of course this made me hurt... very very hurt to hear this coming from my first love. She was telling me that I would be better off just breaking up with her and why am I even with her at all. I could not stand hearing all of these terrible things come from her. She was telling me how even I want her to be different, not just herself. I denied that of course (I should mention I have terrible memory) and she reminded me of the times I had told her that I wish she would be more sexual (awful of me I know.... I'm a teenager and an idiot) and how I spoke about other women doing more sexual things with their boyfriends and well she was right... I said all of those things. Of course that was in the moment and I was being a shit and of course I didn't meant it. But at the time of her being depressed about herself... Well I just hated that so I thought that it would be better for her to be mad at me rather than herself (this is when I do something really stupid) I told her that I repeatedly tell her that I didn't mean it, and of course she does not believe me. I'm going to skip some details but I basically said "I said those things just because I wanted sex ...." The dumbest shit I have ever done. She then is incredibly hurt and depressed understandably. It did get her to stop thinking about herself so negatively but now I put our relationship on a thread. I also want to mention that I am VERY easily convinced... So I basically convince myself that I manipulated her and I am contemplating to hurt myself and she gets very worried and I am just a wreck and so is she. I basically spend that whole night from 1:00 AM to 6:00 AM apologizing and crying with her and she almost breaks up with me until she agrees to see me tomorrow morning to talk things out. Since all of that has happened, she and I just haven't been the same. She told me she lost all sexual attraction for me but still loves me and wants to be with me. I just know if I tell her that manipulating her was not something I actually meant then she will at the very least think about breaking up with me again at that second or just break up with me the minute I say it. Please help me.
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