Sex Caused me and my Girlfriend to be Depressed
Hello, I'm 15 and recently have been feeling very depressed and terrible about my relationship. So on New Years Eve my girlfriend (also 15) who I have been dating for over a year decided it was the day to lose our virginity. We have tried numerous times previously but today she was going to withstand the pain. The reason we waited so long was for one reason, my girlfriend was raped when she was 10 years old and sex was a really hard decision for her to make. Previously we had done everything else under the sun besides sex. She was told she had depression at 13 years old, the time when she accepted the fact that she was raped and told her family about it. So of course this is a hard decision for her and I'm surprised she was ok with everything else we had done. The time comes when we are going to do it and we do.... She cries and she told me it was just the pain which I later found out that it was not just the pain. Sex just cannot be an enjoyable thing for her I suppose.... So everything was amazing. I lost my virginity to my amazing girlfriend, what could be better? Well... she could be better. I always knew she had problems with herself and her image because of what she has been through but one night around 5 days ago she decides to message me at around 1:00 AM and tell me that she legitimately hates herself... Of course this made me hurt... very very hurt to hear this coming from my first love. She was telling me that I would be better off just breaking up with her and why am I even with her at all. I could not stand hearing all of these terrible things come from her. She was telling me how even I want her to be different, not just herself. I denied that of course (I should mention I have terrible memory) and she reminded me of the times I had told her that I wish she would be more sexual (awful of me I know.... I'm a teenager and an idiot) and how I spoke about other women doing more sexual things with their boyfriends and well she was right... I said all of those things. Of course that was in the moment and I was being a shit and of course I didn't meant it. But at the time of her being depressed about herself... Well I just hated that so I thought that it would be better for her to be mad at me rather than herself (this is when I do something really stupid) I told her that I repeatedly tell her that I didn't mean it, and of course she does not believe me. I'm going to skip some details but I basically said "I said those things just because I wanted sex ...." The dumbest shit I have ever done. She then is incredibly hurt and depressed understandably. It did get her to stop thinking about herself so negatively but now I put our relationship on a thread. I also want to mention that I am VERY easily convinced... So I basically convince myself that I manipulated her and I am contemplating to hurt myself and she gets very worried and I am just a wreck and so is she. I basically spend that whole night from 1:00 AM to 6:00 AM apologizing and crying with her and she almost breaks up with me until she agrees to see me tomorrow morning to talk things out.
Since all of that has happened, she and I just haven't been the same. She told me she lost all sexual attraction for me but still loves me and wants to be with me. I just know if I tell her that manipulating her was not something I actually meant then she will at the very least think about breaking up with me again at that second or just break up with me the minute I say it.
Please help me.
Well this is a lot of stuff to deal with. I know I don't know everything about what's going on and there really isn't a simple answer to this. I think it will be very helpful if she sees a professional therapist because it's going to take a long time for her to heal and become comfortable Sexual and emotional. As it goes for you I hope you can accept your decisions and just know that you can't change the past and just move forward and perhaps try new things that might help your situation. I know i speaking pretty vague but maybe you might understand. Of course I'm going to advocate that both of you take care of yourself like get enough sleep and focus on school and hobbies that you enjoy. No matter what happens I hope that the both of you remain in good terms and get better. Good luck - Fear333
@Fear333--Well said.
@Jonner--I agree, you've got a lot going on. I think that if you're able to support her emotionally, great and if not, that's okay too. Sometimes it take an objective third person (like Fear333 suggested) because when people we love are hurting, we hurt right along with them. I hope she is able to find the help that she needs and you are able to do whatever it is that you need (be it stay with her or not) to do to take care of yourself also. *hugs*
Sexual energies are some very powerful forces that can carry residual effects long after they have been used, especially in the case of harm.
Have you researched methods to support victims of sexual trauma? This may be a useful starting point to show your support.
( https://www.trauma-pages.com/support.php )
You may also research about consent and learning to talk more about your feelings in relation to sex. Such conversations are important to be informed on for any future encounters and show your girlfriend that you are trying to learn about how to respect this powerful energy in her and in yourself.
You sexual passions will very likely not suddenly go away and it may be necessary to redirect them in a manner that is conducive to respect where your girlfriend is at in her journey in life.
If you need to excuse yourself to the bathroom to let go of sexual energies and be more present with your girlfriend, its important you do this and give the upmost respect to her concerns for feeling safe, loved and cared for as a human being.
It is also important that you discuss what help she needs and support her in every way possible in getting that help. Realize some of her anger is likely to be from being triggered from a traumatic event and only a professional can truly help her fully with this matter.
@Jonner, I know that @Manifestation is an adult, but they are an adult/teen listener. You might try to send them a message and chat about this 1-1 with them. :)
