Kanchellsis Member Profile

...See more Hey there. To start off with.. I'm old. Like 40. I am a mom, twice divorced and continually finding myself. I hurt myself. I didn't realize it when I had stopped cutting 20 years ago.. but I replaced that type of harm with bad relationships. A whole other kind of self harm. One I have yet to kick. 20 years+ ago I lost my best friend. She was raped and murdered. My grandfather passed shortly after. He was the father figure in my life. A month later myself and a friend were struck my a vehicle while crossing in a crosswalk. Her still body and blood smeared face broke my mind. I ended up with suicidal depression, ptsd, brain surgery and epilepsy. My life spiralled out of control and the pain and the intensity was too much to handle. I cut and cut and cut. I was covered in slashes and words and blood. Both arms, legs, chest and stomach when I learned I had to hide it. Cutting is an addiction. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I did stop, but it was enormously difficult. I would like on the floor, fists by my sides, crying, digging my fingernails into my palms as I wanted SO badly to just bleed. However... I put myself in situations where I knew it was bad. I slept around.. like A LOT. I knew I was getting emtionally abused at the least, drugs and alcohol, and I still scratched myself to the point of bleeding but under my hair where it couldn't be found. Now though.. now.. just yesterday, after 20 years.. I cut myself. Because my older two children moved in with their father, my younger two are with their father ( although temporarily), I finally convinced husband number two that I do want a divorce and I'm involved with a man who is living with someone else. Because I NEED to feel unloved and loved at the same time. I need to feel abandoned and hurt. The awareness that I do this has done little to stop me from doing it. I feel I'm getting closer. Despite all this... I'm still winning .. because I'm still here. Sometimes I just scream at life in my head, like, "F U!!! You can't beat me down!!".

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