My story
Hey there. To start off with.. I'm old. Like 40. I am a mom, twice divorced and continually finding myself.
I hurt myself. I didn't realize it when I had stopped cutting 20 years ago.. but I replaced that type of harm with bad relationships. A whole other kind of self harm. One I have yet to kick.
20 years+ ago I lost my best friend. She was raped and murdered. My grandfather passed shortly after. He was the father figure in my life. A month later myself and a friend were struck my a vehicle while crossing in a crosswalk. Her still body and blood smeared face broke my mind. I ended up with suicidal depression, ptsd, brain surgery and epilepsy. My life spiralled out of control and the pain and the intensity was too much to handle. I cut and cut and cut. I was covered in slashes and words and blood. Both arms, legs, chest and stomach when I learned I had to hide it. Cutting is an addiction. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I did stop, but it was enormously difficult. I would like on the floor, fists by my sides, crying, digging my fingernails into my palms as I wanted SO badly to just bleed.
However... I put myself in situations where I knew it was bad. I slept around.. like A LOT. I knew I was getting emtionally abused at the least, drugs and alcohol, and I still scratched myself to the point of bleeding but under my hair where it couldn't be found.
Now though.. now.. just yesterday, after 20 years.. I cut myself. Because my older two children moved in with their father, my younger two are with their father ( although temporarily), I finally convinced husband number two that I do want a divorce and I'm involved with a man who is living with someone else. Because I NEED to feel unloved and loved at the same time. I need to feel abandoned and hurt. The awareness that I do this has done little to stop me from doing it. I feel I'm getting closer.
Despite all this... I'm still winning .. because I'm still here. Sometimes I just scream at life in my head, like, "F U!!! You can't beat me down!!".
@Kanchellsis
Hi there, welcome here! You really went through a lot and I can understand how difficult it must have been for you... Your level of awareness is a huge thing. When we become conscious of our patterns, it also gets more difficult to repeat them. Give yourself time.
ps. If you are old, I am old too... so... please say you're young :)
@admaiorasemper
You can't fix something you're not aware of.
I feel young ;)
I have found some serious balance since this last post.
I have a week then I am cutting my ex husband out of my life as much as possible. This I am doing because I love myself and I'm worth it. It's a big step but it will be so good for me.
As for the other man in my life, he is wonderful and amazing. I hate being the other woman, but you don't chose who you love. I am practicing patience, but I feel secure in this odd relationship. I don't feel like the other woman. I see him so often I wonder what the woman he lives with must think. He calls me in the morning, before I fall asleep. He drives to my house on his lunch break. He's there if I call and need him for anything. *shakes her head*. I honestly don't know what to do with this. I hate thinking I come second to anyone, and he doesn't make me feel like I am second best. Maybe, I just feel bad because I'm told I should?
Maybe I'm a bad person for falling in love with someone else's guy. Maybe it will all end bad. But maybe I'll die tomorrow and I want to live as much as possible until I do. The moment is all I have and I want to suck as much happiness as I can from life.