Karro Listener Profile

...See more (This story might be triggering for some, and for that I am very sorry. Do not continue to read if at any point you feel triggered. Just skip to the end or connect with a listener if you need to. It’s my hope that by sharing my experiences it could be of help to others. We all fight our own battles, but from what I’ve heard here as a listener I have realized that I’m not alone in mine. It’s my hope that others can get the same support by reading this) When I was 19 years old something happened that probably always will affect my life in some sort of way. I had been out with friends, and during the evening I talked to a guy in the bar who seemed really nice and friendly. But after a while I went back to my friends, and he went to another bar with his. And by a reason that seems silly today I had an argument with a friend right before we were about to leave for the night, so I decided to take a taxi straight home. Outside of the bar I ran into the guy I had talked to in the bar earlier that night. He saw that I was upset and asked me if I wanted to share a taxi home (earlier that evening we had realized that we lived quite close to each other). Said and done, we jumped into the taxi and I couldn’t stop crying. I have always hated conflicts and to fight with a close friend hurt. It wasn’t until the taxi slowed down I looked up and realized that I didn’t knew where I was. The guy explained that he forgot something at his friends place and asked me if I could come up with him in the apartment to look for it. And what reason did I have to distrust him? Even though I had a bad feeling I agreed to help him. I wanted to find the thing he was looking for and go home. When we entered the apartment two of his friends sat in the sofa and watched a movie. He asked me to look in the bedroom while he talked to his friends. After a while he came in to the bedroom and started to touch me. I asked him to stop. But it escalated quite quickly from there. He pushed me down on the bed and tried to pull my tights down. I kept saying no and tried to push him away, but nothing happened. It wasn’t until I heard my tights rip I realized that it was serious. I started screaming so that his friends would hear me, but no one came. So I started to fight. And miraculously I got him to let go of me for a second, and I didn’t need more than that. I ran away from the apartment as fast as I could. I was still in shock the morning after. I decided to tell a family member about what happened. And when I’d told her everything she looked at me for a while and said “well, maybe you’ve learned not to drink so much now”. Nothing more. And it was devastating. I went from being in shock to feel incredibly ashamed in minutes. And that feeling of shame still has its grip over me. What I have learned now is that shame has a horrible effect on our self-esteem. During a couple of years I was functioning by trying not to think about it at all. But the shame slowly ate up my self-esteem from the inside. I started to develop a depression. Without understanding why I felt so worthless all the time. That I was constantly ashamed of myself wasn’t something I reflected on by then. It wasn’t until I by accident walked past the same apartment where it happened that I started to think about for real what I’d been through. By the time I was dating a guy that recently had moved to the area, and when we passed the apartment I felt like something fell apart inside. He noticed that and asked me what was wrong. And when I told him he got so angry. And for the first time someone told me that what happened wasn’t my fault. It let my feelings mirror in his, and I got as angry as he was. In a way it was liberating. I wasn’t fully as ashamed as I had been. And then about a year later, what shouldn’t happened did happen did happen again. I will spare you the details this time. Basically, what happened was that a man that I trusted forced me by strength to give him oral sex. He was in the end of his studies to become a police. And when I said that I didn’t want him to touch me or that I didn’t want to have sex with him, he pushed my head down and by holding my shoulder made sure I couldn’t move. I told him that I didn’t want to, but once again my will didn’t matter. In the moment it felt like I stopped thinking. I just wanted it to stop, and I was so afraid that he wouldn't let it stop with oral sex. I let it happen because he was so much stronger than me, and I was afraid to make him angry and possibly make the situation even worse for myself. After a while he stopped and once again, I ran away. I’m aware that what I’ve been through can be described as pretty mild compared to what many other’s have been through. But the fact remains, I’m ashamed. When I told my friends about what happened I got the answer “I would have bit him, what an asshole!” And it’s true, he was an asshole. An asshole I was too weak to fight off. And it’s easy to be wise after it’s happened. But this exactly is the problem. How we act in situations when we’re extremely afraid isn’t always possible to control. The feelings of shame afterwards are so strong. I have a really hard time to forgive myself for what happened. I’m ashamed that it happened to me. I always wonder what’s wrong with me. Why doesn’t my will count? Why am I not worth to be respected? Researchers have come to the conclusion that people that have been sexually assaulted have a higher risk to develop mental illness. And I’ve been fighting my depression for a little more than two years now. And the war isn’t over yet. I often meet people at this site that is fighting the same battles as I do. People that have been through terrible abuse and that blame themselves for it. From the outside it’s easy to see that whatever happened, it wasn’t the abused persons fault. And maybe that’s a part of our rehabilitation. If I know that it wasn’t your fault how can I judge myself so hard for being sexually abused? Even though I might not live up to the words quite yet I am prepared to try to let go of my own feelings of shame. What happened to me was the result of other people’s bad decisions, it wasn’t my fault.

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lovely soul out there in the darkness!

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