It won
(This story might be triggering for some, and for that I am very sorry. Do not continue to read if at any point you feel triggered. Just skip to the end or connect with a listener if you need to. It?s my hope that by sharing my experiences it could be of help to others. We all fight our own battles, but from what I?ve heard here as a listener I have realized that I?m not alone in mine. It?s my hope that others can get the same support by reading this)
When I was 19 years old something happened that probably always will affect my life in some sort of way. I had been out with friends, and during the evening I talked to a guy in the bar who seemed really nice and friendly. But after a while I went back to my friends, and he went to another bar with his. And by a reason that seems silly today I had an argument with a friend right before we were about to leave for the night, so I decided to take a taxi straight home. Outside of the bar I ran into the guy I had talked to in the bar earlier that night. He saw that I was upset and asked me if I wanted to share a taxi home (earlier that evening we had realized that we lived quite close to each other). Said and done, we jumped into the taxi and I couldn?t stop crying. I have always hated conflicts and to fight with a close friend hurt. It wasn?t until the taxi slowed down I looked up and realized that I didn?t knew where I was. The guy explained that he forgot something at his friends place and asked me if I could come up with him in the apartment to look for it. And what reason did I have to distrust him? Even though I had a bad feeling I agreed to help him. I wanted to find the thing he was looking for and go home. When we entered the apartment two of his friends sat in the sofa and watched a movie. He asked me to look in the bedroom while he talked to his friends. After a while he came in to the bedroom and started to touch me. I asked him to stop. But it escalated quite quickly from there. He pushed me down on the bed and tried to pull my tights down. I kept saying no and tried to push him away, but nothing happened. It wasn?t until I heard my tights rip I realized that it was serious. I started screaming so that his friends would hear me, but no one came. So I started to fight. And miraculously I got him to let go of me for a second, and I didn?t need more than that. I ran away from the apartment as fast as I could.
I was still in shock the morning after. I decided to tell a family member about what happened. And when I?d told her everything she looked at me for a while and said ?well, maybe you?ve learned not to drink so much now?. Nothing more. And it was devastating. I went from being in shock to feel incredibly ashamed in minutes. And that feeling of shame still has its grip over me. What I have learned now is that shame has a horrible effect on our self-esteem. During a couple of years I was functioning by trying not to think about it at all. But the shame slowly ate up my self-esteem from the inside. I started to develop a depression. Without understanding why I felt so worthless all the time. That I was constantly ashamed of myself wasn?t something I reflected on by then. It wasn?t until I by accident walked past the same apartment where it happened that I started to think about for real what I?d been through. By the time I was dating a guy that recently had moved to the area, and when we passed the apartment I felt like something fell apart inside. He noticed that and asked me what was wrong. And when I told him he got so angry. And for the first time someone told me that what happened wasn?t my fault. It let my feelings mirror in his, and I got as angry as he was. In a way it was liberating. I wasn?t fully as ashamed as I had been.
And then about a year later, what shouldn?t happened did happen did happen again. I will spare you the details this time. Basically, what happened was that a man that I trusted forced me by strength to give him oral sex. He was in the end of his studies to become a police. And when I said that I didn?t want him to touch me or that I didn?t want to have sex with him, he pushed my head down and by holding my shoulder made sure I couldn?t move. I told him that I didn?t want to, but once again my will didn?t matter. In the moment it felt like I stopped thinking. I just wanted it to stop, and I was so afraid that he wouldn't let it stop with oral sex. I let it happen because he was so much stronger than me, and I was afraid to make him angry and possibly make the situation even worse for myself. After a while he stopped and once again, I ran away.
I?m aware that what I?ve been through can be described as pretty mild compared to what many other?s have been through. But the fact remains, I?m ashamed. When I told my friends about what happened I got the answer ?I would have bit him, what an asshole!? And it?s true, he was an asshole. An asshole I was too weak to fight off. And it?s easy to be wise after it?s happened. But this exactly is the problem. How we act in situations when we?re extremely afraid isn?t always possible to control. The feelings of shame afterwards are so strong. I have a really hard time to forgive myself for what happened. I?m ashamed that it happened to me. I always wonder what?s wrong with me. Why doesn?t my will count? Why am I not worth to be respected?
Researchers have come to the conclusion that people that have been sexually assaulted have a higher risk to develop mental illness. And I?ve been fighting my depression for a little more than two years now. And the war isn?t over yet. I often meet people at this site that is fighting the same battles as I do. People that have been through terrible abuse and that blame themselves for it. From the outside it?s easy to see that whatever happened, it wasn?t the abused persons fault. And maybe that?s a part of our rehabilitation. If I know that it wasn?t your fault how can I judge myself so hard for being sexually abused? Even though I might not live up to the words quite yet I am prepared to try to let go of my own feelings of shame. What happened to me was the result of other people?s bad decisions, it wasn?t my fault.
Hi and thank you so much for sharing. What you have been through is big and shouldn't be described as mild. It happened and it happened to you. Its really important you recognise that. It's a shame your feelings weren't validated by the family member you originally spoke with but I'm glad your partner was able to pick up on you being uneasy and instil the fact that it wasn't your fault and helped eased the feeling of shame. Your right in saying the shame is hard to deal with but I honestly believe with time, support and the appropriate approach abuse victims can let that go. It's not easy but possible. I'm glad you can identify that what you've been through wasn't your fault and was in fact the result of other peoples poor decisions. Abuse is tough to deal with and has many 'side effects' that can impact your life, like you mentioned depression is one of them. This can take hold among many other things and when it does it can be hard to see clearly or think clearly. You sound quite self educated which is great and it seems like you have a good insight into things. Again thank you for sharing. Your role as a listener is much appreciated and when you can personally relate I think it gives the guest/member some true validation and they know by your responses that they are being heard and understood. Good luck on your journey both here and in your personal life. It's great to see your here at 7 cups!
Dear @Karro ,
First off, let me say that I am so proud of the courage you have shown by sharing your story.
Secondly, let me say that you have given me the courage to share my own story as well. I can relate completely with what you have said.
Thirdly, it was not your fault EVER! No one asks to be sexually assaulted!
And finally, I would just like to say that to each and every person reading this who has had some form of sexual assault committed against them, it is a crime and is punishable. You are the victim here, as well as the survivor.
Many blessings,
FaithfulPerson
Hi @VC and @FaithfulPerson!Thank you for your kind words! It's not always easy to talk about things like this, but your responses makes it worth it. The shame has always been the part that's most difficult to shake off, and by sharing my story here I'm trying to work against that feeling. It's a struggle, butit's also something I don't want to give up on. I hear so much here that helps me, and therefore I thought it was only "fair" to try to help others by being open and share my experiences.
@ Karro
I, too, was sexually assaulted by means of forced oral assault. I spent many years questioning my actions. If only I had done this or that, it wouldn't have happened. Then, I came to realize that in fact, it was not my fault and that I was doing the best I could at the time with what I had. I had been sexually assaulted previously and learned a certain response. I did keep more quiet the second time around. It doesn't make it any less traumatic. In fact, during this particular event, I split emotionally from myself and had an out of body experience. It was my minds way of coping with the current trauma and all the previous traumas as well. For many years, I did not tell a soul about what happened to me.
I am glad to say today that I have the courage to speak out about this. And again, I am so proud of you for speaking out and having the strength within to fight this long, hard battle. You have already won, my friend. Your perserverance is astounding! Please honor that!
As far as the feelings of shame and letting them go, I believe that you are in the exact right spot to do so and work on, as you well know, I am sure. My hope is to continue this discussion as there are many things to address. Please continue sharing. <3
Much love and many blessings,
FaithfulPerson
I am truly sorry that your family members reaction was so insensitive. Do you think that is fromwhere the shame came? It sounds like that was a blaming statement. And please know that it was NOT your fault. Evenwhen we are under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, it does NOT mean that is was our fault. We did not ask to be assaulted. Clearly, we did nothing wrong to deserve this treatment. Drinking and or using drugs is not an invitation for someone to assault us. Clearly, that is another matter altogether. For me, personally, I used drugs and alcohol to numb the pain from the previous assaults. That did not give that man the right to assault me! In no way are you at fault, my friend. Please know that you are loved and that you WILL get through this. I look forward to continuing the journey with you.
All the best,
Faithful Person
Thank you for sharing. I have been dealing with depression and just trying to not focus on real life things because of the numerous times that I was violated/assaulted. I feel very alone in this butyour story helps-your words really spoke to me.
Dear ~~specialJellybean ,
I am so sorry that you have been violated several times and are dealing with depression.
How might we help you here today?
Sincerely,
FaithfulPerson