KoraXo Member Profile

...See more This is a really messy and long situation which I’ll try to water down so it does not take too much space up. I met this guy online and we instantly had a connection as cliche as that sounds but for me I truly did and he said he did too. We both did not want a relationship at the time but almost 9months later we decided to properly be in a relationship with each other and it was amazing at the start. The first three months were heaven. He was perfect and super attentive. He was the exact opposite of the people I usually talk to. I was the happiest I have ever been. But slowly he started giving less of himself and prioritising his friends and what felt like “hiding” me I got pretty paranoid of the red flags and would often ask and accuse him of cheating. I definitely did not ask in the right ways and it was more of constant accusations. And it would make him angry. But after that he would calm down and assure me he loves me more than anything and can’t live without me and wants to be with me forever. We spoke about making a family together and me having his last name and living together. Everything that looked like we would have a long future together. He promised nothing and nobody can come between us and we willl always work together. Anyway. Through time and lots of insecurity on my part due to how he was acting and a time period he completely avoided me the fights got worse. His grandparent died then and old childhood friends and his dog all within a few months. While comforting him through this grief near the end I found out from other people he had been cheating on me with several girls. I was traumatised and lost I was devastated to say the least and this was my worst nightmare. I could not cope. He cried I cried he slept in calls with me every night and tried to comfort ne but the thoughts of these other girls and the chats between them I seen make me physically sick but at the same time I couldn’t bare to be alone or see him cry so I allowed him to stay and help me and eventually we decided we will get through it together. And he would accept I’ll never be the same person I was with him now. Fast forward to January and another girl I know and I were hanging out and she told me she had been on and off messing around with him for 8 months. This took it to the exact same month him and I started dating. So my entire relationship. She said it only stopped after I had found out about the other girls. (Which was three months previous to her telling me) he of course denied this all and said it’s only because he denied her and wanted to be with me. Stupidly I gave the benefit of the doubt again. i became very very insecure at this point almost controlling. I needed constant reassurance and love. I would check his socials a lot and felt embarrased for doing so I’d be scared and cry a lot and any sign of a problem I’d instantly resort to let’s break up because I thought it would hurt less if I left before him. I was definitely a lot to handle and not the best or most fun type of girlfriend. I’d not be able to sleep because I’d worry what he would do while I was asleep so the next day I’d be so tired that I wasn’t able to spend time with him or just too depressed to spend time. I’d see him follow a bunch of girls on social media and started comparing myself to them and they all looked so pretty and the opposite of me. I’d starve myself and start trying to be better for him but things just grew further and further apart. eventually I found out he was telling me he was not doing anything but staying up all night long and sleeping all day so we would never get much time atall. And when we did it was short before he said he was going back to hang with his friends. Turns out he was hanging out with this other girl every night who he denied even knowing till I showed proof and he admitted it and said it was innocent and that she’s a lesbian anyway. I still don’t know the truth about it but I believe he was just afraid to tell me perhaps but I was still very hurt that he can spend hours and hours with this girl but could only give me very limited time. Tho I understand I wasn’t the most fun person. anyway he constantly reassured me things were fine and he wasn’t losing feelings tho everything became less. He would message kess. Reply less. His replies when he did reply were very very short and would reply to only part of the entire message. While his grew shorter mine grew longer and longer in panic and fear. He was just empty to me. I constantly asked if he’s losing feelings and we became less and less sexual over this time period too. I took it for as long as I could till I said we should call it quits he is obviously not happy or has someone else he is talking to. He cried and said he can’t lose me and he wants to be with me forever. The next day I said ok because I love him so much to and don’t want to be without him. he then said he can’t do it. We are toxic together. And that I had called him abusive for all the gaslighting and cheating and making me feel crazy like the truth is never the truth till my heads so *** i don’t know what’s real anymore. I said that is a form of abuse. Even if he isn’t intending it to be the betrayal trauma and lies and cheating are all manipulative and emotionally abusive. so he ended things just like that after everything I put up with. BUT. He continued to say it wasn’t truly over he still wants to be with me so much and loves me and we can try fix things and talk. This cycle lasted a month and a half of him saying let’s try again and fix things. Then he doesn’t know then he wants to fix things and miss me then he doesn’t know. it drove me crazy to the point I was only happy on days he would message and then sad for the days/hours it would take him to respond. Four days ago he blocked me everywhere but iMessage and I asked him to stop leading me on this isn’t healthy. we haven’t spoke since but I can still see his status and stuff and sadly check it often and see him listen to live songs and it shows his phone in a call all night long even when at work. Which is what he used to do with me. He delete all the messages of us working on fixing things whej I mentioned how if he is with someone new that there is an overlap and I’m sure he hasnt told her. He seems so happy. Which I’m happy if he is but slightly hurt and jealous he has promised me the works made me walk through *** with the promise of him being better to me all just to leave me. And even still he will say he still loves me and wants to be with me but it’s tarnished and toxic. I am struggling so hard to cope and accept tho I know it’s for the best. Life is just empty without him regardless of all the bad he done I was not easy to love and probably caused him to cheat most of the time. But he did make me feel loved and I miss him so much. I don’t know how to let go of hope and my entire day is just thinking of him and everything reminds me of him. Meanwhile I don’t even think he cares atall. Was any of it real did he even love me? Why would he cry everytime I’d leave if he didn’t. Why would he go through all the stress of me just to leave me If he really did love me. im so sorry this is long but this is the super short version.

Bio

Recent forum posts

Talk to an expert therapist

I am classically trained as a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and...

About Us

Get Started

Online Therapy

Terms

Bio