How do I let go?
This is a really messy and long situation which I’ll try to water down so it does not take too much space up.
I met this guy online and we instantly had a connection as cliche as that sounds but for me I truly did and he said he did too. We both did not want a relationship at the time but almost 9months later we decided to properly be in a relationship with each other and it was amazing at the start. The first three months were heaven. He was perfect and super attentive. He was the exact opposite of the people I usually talk to. I was the happiest I have ever been. But slowly he started giving less of himself and prioritising his friends and what felt like “hiding” me I got pretty paranoid of the red flags and would often ask and accuse him of cheating. I definitely did not ask in the right ways and it was more of constant accusations. And it would make him angry. But after that he would calm down and assure me he loves me more than anything and can’t live without me and wants to be with me forever. We spoke about making a family together and me having his last name and living together. Everything that looked like we would have a long future together. He promised nothing and nobody can come between us and we willl always work together.
Anyway. Through time and lots of insecurity on my part due to how he was acting and a time period he completely avoided me the fights got worse. His grandparent died then and old childhood friends and his dog all within a few months. While comforting him through this grief near the end I found out from other people he had been cheating on me with several girls. I was traumatised and lost I was devastated to say the least and this was my worst nightmare. I could not cope. He cried I cried he slept in calls with me every night and tried to comfort ne but the thoughts of these other girls and the chats between them I seen make me physically sick but at the same time I couldn’t bare to be alone or see him cry so I allowed him to stay and help me and eventually we decided we will get through it together. And he would accept I’ll never be the same person I was with him now.
Fast forward to January and another girl I know and I were hanging out and she told me she had been on and off messing around with him for 8 months. This took it to the exact same month him and I started dating. So my entire relationship. She said it only stopped after I had found out about the other girls. (Which was three months previous to her telling me) he of course denied this all and said it’s only because he denied her and wanted to be with me. Stupidly I gave the benefit of the doubt again.
i became very very insecure at this point almost controlling. I needed constant reassurance and love. I would check his socials a lot and felt embarrased for doing so I’d be scared and cry a lot and any sign of a problem I’d instantly resort to let’s break up because I thought it would hurt less if I left before him. I was definitely a lot to handle and not the best or most fun type of girlfriend. I’d not be able to sleep because I’d worry what he would do while I was asleep so the next day I’d be so tired that I wasn’t able to spend time with him or just too depressed to spend time. I’d see him follow a bunch of girls on social media and started comparing myself to them and they all looked so pretty and the opposite of me. I’d starve myself and start trying to be better for him but things just grew further and further apart.
eventually I found out he was telling me he was not doing anything but staying up all night long and sleeping all day so we would never get much time atall. And when we did it was short before he said he was going back to hang with his friends. Turns out he was hanging out with this other girl every night who he denied even knowing till I showed proof and he admitted it and said it was innocent and that she’s a lesbian anyway. I still don’t know the truth about it but I believe he was just afraid to tell me perhaps but I was still very hurt that he can spend hours and hours with this girl but could only give me very limited time. Tho I understand I wasn’t the most fun person.
anyway he constantly reassured me things were fine and he wasn’t losing feelings tho everything became less. He would message kess. Reply less. His replies when he did reply were very very short and would reply to only part of the entire message. While his grew shorter mine grew longer and longer in panic and fear. He was just empty to me. I constantly asked if he’s losing feelings and we became less and less sexual over this time period too.
I took it for as long as I could till I said we should call it quits he is obviously not happy or has someone else he is talking to. He cried and said he can’t lose me and he wants to be with me forever. The next day I said ok because I love him so much to and don’t want to be without him.
he then said he can’t do it. We are toxic together. And that I had called him abusive for all the gaslighting and cheating and making me feel crazy like the truth is never the truth till my heads so *** i don’t know what’s real anymore. I said that is a form of abuse. Even if he isn’t intending it to be the betrayal trauma and lies and cheating are all manipulative and emotionally abusive.
so he ended things just like that after everything I put up with. BUT. He continued to say it wasn’t truly over he still wants to be with me so much and loves me and we can try fix things and talk. This cycle lasted a month and a half of him saying let’s try again and fix things. Then he doesn’t know then he wants to fix things and miss me then he doesn’t know.
it drove me crazy to the point I was only happy on days he would message and then sad for the days/hours it would take him to respond.
Four days ago he blocked me everywhere but iMessage and I asked him to stop leading me on this isn’t healthy.
we haven’t spoke since but I can still see his status and stuff and sadly check it often and see him listen to live songs and it shows his phone in a call all night long even when at work. Which is what he used to do with me. He delete all the messages of us working on fixing things whej I mentioned how if he is with someone new that there is an overlap and I’m sure he hasnt told her. He seems so happy. Which I’m happy if he is but slightly hurt and jealous he has promised me the works made me walk through *** with the promise of him being better to me all just to leave me. And even still he will say he still loves me and wants to be with me but it’s tarnished and toxic.
I am struggling so hard to cope and accept tho I know it’s for the best. Life is just empty without him regardless of all the bad he done I was not easy to love and probably caused him to cheat most of the time. But he did make me feel loved and I miss him so much. I don’t know how to let go of hope and my entire day is just thinking of him and everything reminds me of him. Meanwhile I don’t even think he cares atall. Was any of it real did he even love me? Why would he cry everytime I’d leave if he didn’t. Why would he go through all the stress of me just to leave me If he really did love me.
im so sorry this is long but this is the super short version.
@KoraXo Hey, I am so sorry to read what you have gone through. I am certain that there was once a strong connection between you and him. However, I see that he can't control his impulses and that is dangerous. It is best to move forward and eventually find someone else that can fill the hole left in your heart.
Yeh it’s just really hard because I wanted it to be him. And I can’t bring myself to believe it’s over I keep thinking he’s going to come back when deep down I know he isn’t and has probably moved on before he even left me.
No person is worth giving up your mental peace for. If this situation is so toxic for you now, even if he comes back it is only going to grow. Take the charge of your life in your hands, if they don't value you, they don't deserve you. Only you know what's best for you. Sometimes ripping off a band aid is a blessing. Respect always outlives the love.
May you find the strength.
He didn’t love YOU. He loved the IDEA of loving “SOMEONE”. When he is with all these other girls, he probably tells them he loves them too. And that makes him for more important, validated, and reaffirms him as a man. That he makes women feel “special “ is how he seeks security and value in himself. Problem is, when someone like you believes his promise (that it’s love, that you are forever, that you’re the only person he needs in his life etc) and then you find out he has all these other women everywhere, every day of the week, and it turns out it was all LIES. He was never in a relationship with you to be with you. He just used you for a little while to make his life more interesting. He loved the drama and excitement of having a relationship. How do we know this for a FACT - Because every time it came to actually committing to the relationship he made EXCUSES - “Oh he slept too little at night, so now he needs to sleep all day” rather than call, text be attentive as a partner. “Ohhh .. someone passed away, now someone else passed away, now his dog died, now the next person passed away and their dog too!” He lies and lies, and then when you called him out on it with evidence, suddenly he cries and thinks he is just making a mistake and that he LOVES only you and convinces you that you’re supposed to be together! When it’s CONVENIENT for him, when he’s bored, he’ll do something dramatic, fight with you, cry with you, tell you he loves you. But 90% of the time he won’t even get out of bed to call you because he honestly could not care less.
NO. You need to realize just how much absolute garbage he has been putting out there your whole relationship. Literally from the very beginning he has been stringing you along. This whole entire time he has been using you for HIS needs, HIS convenience. The same way he uses all the other girls, and you were just one of them. That’s the absolute truth that he’s been showing you every day for months but you’ve been in denial because YOU want to believe that he’s special. You want to believe that this is love, that you finally found someone that sees value in you, that you finally might get the love that you deserve. That’s why you convinced yourself that he loved you, and ignored all the negative signs even though there was so much overwhelming evidence that he was lying and cheating every day with every single girl he knew.
Part of you knows it was all TOXIC in the end. You know it in your heart that he’s really bad for you. Damaging. He’s proved time and time again, over and over, that he can’t love and support you the way you need. If you keep giving him more chances to pretend he cares, that will just be more chances you will be disappointed. More nights where you will be in tears wondering just how and why you let yourself be deceived again by promises that he’s already broken so many times before. You need to STOP repeating the same toxic cycle with him because it’s NEVER getting any better. This lying and cheating person that breaks promises all the time - THATS the person that he is. That’s what is in his heart, that’s his true character through and through. He is not changing for you. He is incapable of loving ANY girl as much as he loves using people for his own satisfaction. If you only want to be his plaything for 5 minutes every few days, if that’s what will make you happy, then keep doing what you’re doing with him.
Or you could stop all of this. Even if your glass is empty, it’s still better than drinking MUD. So stop all of this. Cry yourself out, let the emotions all go, feel every terrible hurtful thing you need to feel, shout, scream, be absolutely miserable for a while. Keep your friends close, tell them all about how much it hurts. And then put yourself together. Remind yourself how awful everything was with him, how unhappy you were every day. And tell yourself it doesn’t need to be this way.
It can be BETTER. You DESERVE BETTER. You deserve LOVE. The honest pure kind of love that comes from someone actually caring about YOU, caring about YOUR needs, YOUR happiness. That makes you a priority. You can and will find love like this but first you need to believe that you deserve to be loved that way. You need to say NO to anyone and anything that gives you less than this.
Losing contact with him is the best thing that could happen to you right now. Just know that he’s not thinking of you. He’s not missing you. He’s not heartbroken. He’s completely indifferent about all of this. That might hurt to know that, but you need to realize you’re the only one crying and losing sleep over this. You need to decide that this has harmed you enough. You need to decide that things will be different, and that starts by DOING something different, by CHOOSING something different !
Wishing you all the best!
CatsInTheCradle