KyoSohma Member Profile

...See more I may have given up on keeping a personal diary - at least I have no motivation for it anymore. I was insecure about posting in the support forums because right now I'm not sure how receptive I am of any support and I would just feel bad seeing wonderful people taking time of their day to write something supportive and me seeming ungrateful because I'm just not in the state of mind to receive it. So, I thought this might be a good compromise. At least just writing can be therapeutic. Feel free to comment, by the way. May 22nd, 2021 - Existing in No-Man's Land (LONG) I have a three-day weekend starting today (Saturday) but when I was close to ending my shift on Friday, I felt nervous knowing I had three days alone at home ahead of me. Just a week ago I would've looked forward to it, but I screwed things up on Monday and this week has been the hardest one to get through in a very long time. At least I won't have to be at work for those moments of the day I just feel like breaking down and crying. A little bit about me (for those who don't mind reading a short story sized diary post); I've struggled with mental health all my life, but I wasn't diagnosed and didn't receive any help until I was in my 30s. A few years ago I was first diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and depression. I went to therapy for a year and it pretty much turned my life around. My therapist helped me discover who I am, how to manage my anxiety and depression and at the end of our year together, I actually liked myself, which was a first. Since then I've worked hard on myself, learning new things about myself, meeting new people and taking chances. And most importantly, I was getting to a place where I genuinely thought I could love myself. And that's huge for me personally. What we didn't adress during those therapy sessions though, were a few deep wounds I still carry from my teenage years. I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and impostor syndrome. Throw in being introverted, and I was a silent, awkward kid, and as it turned out, the friends I had known since elementary school no longer thought it was cool hanging out with the black sheep of the group. In my mid-teens they stopped calling, stopped hanging out with me at school and inviting me to things. I still called and sought them out at school though, either not getting the hint or desperately clinging on to the remains of "friendship". I still remember the evening I finally got the message and never spoke to them again. On Friday's after the community center closed, we would usually find someone's house to hang out at. We stood around for a while, let's say there were 12 of us, figuring out where to go. Finally someone said we could go to their place, "but," they said, "we only have room for 11." The moment they said it, I knew it was bs, but I also knew I was the one there was not enough room for. There was an awkward silence for a moment or two before I turned around and walked home alone. That was the last time I spoke to them. At school I sat alone and eventually dropped out. I was hurt by being frozen out the way I was, but despite learning as an adult that this was actually a form of bullying, back then I didn't actually think they had done anything wrong. My impostor syndrome convinced me I wasn't good enough to hang out with those people and it was only reasonable if they froze me out. Both the impostor syndrome and the feeling of never being good enough is still very much with me, and it came out in the worst way on Monday. For the past couple of months I've had a really hard time with my depression in addition to picking up on what I thought were signals from a close friend to leave her alone. I really like her; she's so much fun to hang out with, she's sweet and kind and hilarious. Getting closer and liking her more and more also made me scared and my impostor syndrome reared it's ugly head telling me I wasn't good enough to be such close friends with her. And with my depression doing a number on my self-esteem to the point I can't say I even liked myself anymore, I didn't see any reason why she would be my friend. So, over the past couple of months I've been picking up on signals that weren't actually signals; She said she would share something with me, then forgot for two months. I thought I was being too intrusive, asking her to hang out just the two of us, etc. When she failed to show up to something that she was under no obligation to attend and I know she had a busy day, but it was important to me and I really thought she would, I decided to send her a message to "clear the air". And honestly, that's all I wanted. I wanted to know if she needed some space, some time away from me, because that was the signals I thought she was sending me. And if she needed some space or even if she was trying to freeze me out, I didn't think she was a bad person for doing so. In general, yeah, freezing someone out is a terrible thing to do, but my experience has taught me that it's not a terrible thing to do to me. In my message I also mentioned that at this point I just assumed she had reconsidered and didn't want to share what she had promised two months ago. She responded quickly basically just tearing down all my assumptions and telling me my attack on her personality was unfair and she was very hurt by it. It broke me. Basically, I created a narrative based on past experiences and my self-image, heavily influenced by impostor syndrome and depression and attacked her out of the blue. And I've never felt worse about it. I formulated an apology as best as I could and sent it to her, basically taking responsibility for everything, saying I was wrong about everything and didn't see her perspective when I wrote it, and asked for her forgiveness. I haven't heard from her since and I don't blame her. Since Monday, all I've been able to do is eat, sleep and work. I've cancelled all other plans and stayed away from everyone. We have a lot of mutual friends and I don't feel like I deserve any of them. I'll stay away so she can hang out with them and not have me around. It's only fair. What I've tried to do this week though is do some research on how to let childhood wounds heal or how to deal with them as an adult. I might talk to my doctor again about going back into therapy - I'm not sure how difficult it would be - and I've researched private therapists. And I've watched my "comfort" shows and cried a lot. Just so we're clear; I am not the victim here and I was afraid to explain to her too much about where this "attack" on her came from because I don't wanna make excuses. No matter what's happened to me in the past and what I based this on, I was wrong, I sad really hurtful things and accused her of being a terrible person and I have to own that. I can't take that back. All I can do is apologize and hope she forgives me. Which is also why I haven't had any contact with other friends this week. I don't want their sympathy because I don't deserve it. I don't know what to do other than wait and hope she sends me a message soon. I would love to talk it out and move past this but I'm too afraid to send her any messages right now. I wanna give her all the space she needs. Whatever suffering I do while waiting is well-deserved. That's why it's so hard to accept any support or advice. My depression is like a thick wool blanket that's suffocating me but I don't deserve to remove it. All I can do is hide in the dark so the world don't have to deal with me right now. Thanks for reading.

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