The Diary of a Cat Spirit
I may have given up on keeping a personal diary - at least I have no motivation for it anymore. I was insecure about posting in the support forums because right now I'm not sure how receptive I am of any support and I would just feel bad seeing wonderful people taking time of their day to write something supportive and me seeming ungrateful because I'm just not in the state of mind to receive it. So, I thought this might be a good compromise. At least just writing can be therapeutic. Feel free to comment, by the way.
May 22nd, 2021 - Existing in No-Man's Land (LONG)
I have a three-day weekend starting today (Saturday) but when I was close to ending my shift on Friday, I felt nervous knowing I had three days alone at home ahead of me. Just a week ago I would've looked forward to it, but I screwed things up on Monday and this week has been the hardest one to get through in a very long time. At least I won't have to be at work for those moments of the day I just feel like breaking down and crying.
A little bit about me (for those who don't mind reading a short story sized diary post);
I've struggled with mental health all my life, but I wasn't diagnosed and didn't receive any help until I was in my 30s. A few years ago I was first diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety and depression. I went to therapy for a year and it pretty much turned my life around. My therapist helped me discover who I am, how to manage my anxiety and depression and at the end of our year together, I actually liked myself, which was a first. Since then I've worked hard on myself, learning new things about myself, meeting new people and taking chances. And most importantly, I was getting to a place where I genuinely thought I could love myself. And that's huge for me personally.
What we didn't adress during those therapy sessions though, were a few deep wounds I still carry from my teenage years. I grew up with undiagnosed ADHD and impostor syndrome. Throw in being introverted, and I was a silent, awkward kid, and as it turned out, the friends I had known since elementary school no longer thought it was cool hanging out with the black sheep of the group. In my mid-teens they stopped calling, stopped hanging out with me at school and inviting me to things. I still called and sought them out at school though, either not getting the hint or desperately clinging on to the remains of "friendship".
I still remember the evening I finally got the message and never spoke to them again. On Friday's after the community center closed, we would usually find someone's house to hang out at. We stood around for a while, let's say there were 12 of us, figuring out where to go. Finally someone said we could go to their place, "but," they said, "we only have room for 11." The moment they said it, I knew it was bs, but I also knew I was the one there was not enough room for. There was an awkward silence for a moment or two before I turned around and walked home alone. That was the last time I spoke to them. At school I sat alone and eventually dropped out.
I was hurt by being frozen out the way I was, but despite learning as an adult that this was actually a form of bullying, back then I didn't actually think they had done anything wrong. My impostor syndrome convinced me I wasn't good enough to hang out with those people and it was only reasonable if they froze me out.
Both the impostor syndrome and the feeling of never being good enough is still very much with me, and it came out in the worst way on Monday. For the past couple of months I've had a really hard time with my depression in addition to picking up on what I thought were signals from a close friend to leave her alone. I really like her; she's so much fun to hang out with, she's sweet and kind and hilarious. Getting closer and liking her more and more also made me scared and my impostor syndrome reared it's ugly head telling me I wasn't good enough to be such close friends with her. And with my depression doing a number on my self-esteem to the point I can't say I even liked myself anymore, I didn't see any reason why she would be my friend.
So, over the past couple of months I've been picking up on signals that weren't actually signals; She said she would share something with me, then forgot for two months. I thought I was being too intrusive, asking her to hang out just the two of us, etc. When she failed to show up to something that she was under no obligation to attend and I know she had a busy day, but it was important to me and I really thought she would, I decided to send her a message to "clear the air". And honestly, that's all I wanted. I wanted to know if she needed some space, some time away from me, because that was the signals I thought she was sending me. And if she needed some space or even if she was trying to freeze me out, I didn't think she was a bad person for doing so. In general, yeah, freezing someone out is a terrible thing to do, but my experience has taught me that it's not a terrible thing to do to me. In my message I also mentioned that at this point I just assumed she had reconsidered and didn't want to share what she had promised two months ago.
She responded quickly basically just tearing down all my assumptions and telling me my attack on her personality was unfair and she was very hurt by it. It broke me.
Basically, I created a narrative based on past experiences and my self-image, heavily influenced by impostor syndrome and depression and attacked her out of the blue. And I've never felt worse about it. I formulated an apology as best as I could and sent it to her, basically taking responsibility for everything, saying I was wrong about everything and didn't see her perspective when I wrote it, and asked for her forgiveness. I haven't heard from her since and I don't blame her.
Since Monday, all I've been able to do is eat, sleep and work. I've cancelled all other plans and stayed away from everyone. We have a lot of mutual friends and I don't feel like I deserve any of them. I'll stay away so she can hang out with them and not have me around. It's only fair.
What I've tried to do this week though is do some research on how to let childhood wounds heal or how to deal with them as an adult. I might talk to my doctor again about going back into therapy - I'm not sure how difficult it would be - and I've researched private therapists.
And I've watched my "comfort" shows and cried a lot.
Just so we're clear; I am not the victim here and I was afraid to explain to her too much about where this "attack" on her came from because I don't wanna make excuses. No matter what's happened to me in the past and what I based this on, I was wrong, I sad really hurtful things and accused her of being a terrible person and I have to own that. I can't take that back. All I can do is apologize and hope she forgives me. Which is also why I haven't had any contact with other friends this week. I don't want their sympathy because I don't deserve it.
I don't know what to do other than wait and hope she sends me a message soon. I would love to talk it out and move past this but I'm too afraid to send her any messages right now. I wanna give her all the space she needs. Whatever suffering I do while waiting is well-deserved. That's why it's so hard to accept any support or advice. My depression is like a thick wool blanket that's suffocating me but I don't deserve to remove it. All I can do is hide in the dark so the world don't have to deal with me right now.
Thanks for reading.
May 23rd - Unintentionally Having A Core Belief Rocked
Back in January, after a Christmas alone with depression, I wrote a very open and honest message to a few of my closest friends where I was being brutally honest about my ADHD, my growing up without learning basic social skills and how I sometimes say stupid and even hurtful things without thinking, often not even realizing I've said something hurtful. According to my impostor syndrome, this was pretty much the worst thing I could've done, basically outing myself, openly admitting that I'm not as good as them and they should probably not be my friend anymore. In the post I asked them nicely to please let me know if I ever did or said anything hurtful because all I want is to apologize and learn from my mistakes. It wasn't a get-out-of-jail free card though, and I've never intentionally tried to hurt someone. I was the teenager who didn't even think badly about my bullies. But I'm glad I sent them that message because I got nothing but love and support in return and it told me they didn't see me as anything less than them.
My good friend I hurt last Monday is one of the people I sent that message to, but as I said, warning someone in advance doesn't make the hurtful words any less hurtful. Throughout this week I've gone through everything in my head, over and over, reflected, thought through the most elaborate and best explanation I could give her that would hopefully make her understand my point of view and realize I never even saw my words as hurtful until she pointed them out. I asked her if something had happened because I got the feeling she was pushing me away. If anyone tries to freeze out or push away a person, I think everyone would agree that's a shitty thing to do and a really bad accusation to make about anyone. In my mind, however, based on my experiences, it's not a bad thing to do - and you're not a bad person for doing it - as long as you're doing it to me. So, if she was pushing me away, I thought that was fair enough. Just like I justified my bullies for bullying me. And I hope I made that clear enough in my apology, but I fear I didn't. And I'm still afraid to break the silence too soon. Or at all.
I re-read what I wrote, her response and my apology a few times, even though at this point it's painful to read. Every time I read through it, I grow more ashamed. But I've also realized something else, something that has rocked the very foundation of one of my core beliefs about myself and I kind of wanna thank her for that even though right now it's certainly not the appropriate time, and maybe it never will be.
You see, I used to be able to make friends rather easily, but in my teen years, what always seemed to happen was that sooner or later they would find out I wasn't that great and join my other former friends in freezing me out. And back then it was blatant (see post above). This formed a core belief about myself and relationships and it's still very much affecting me today, and I always have this expectation when I meet new people that at some point, what ever it is, they'll grow tired of me and start to push me away. And I thought this was what was happening this time as well and I honestly just wanted to clear the air and figure out if that was the case this time - something I've never dared to do before. Anyway, all those "signals" I thought I had picked up from her, she explained in a very rational and logical way making me feel stupid and ashamed, but also telling that core belief from my teen years that it's all a big, fat lie. When my brain, my past experiences and my low self-esteem were creating this narrative that she didn't want to be friends anymore, she was thinking nothing of the sorts. She got busier because she got a new job and always have a thousand projects in her spare time going on and it was only natural that we didn't have as much contact. What she wanted to share with me was a bit of a hassle to actually do and she has a hard time remembering to do it (I do too, so fair enough). When I thought I was losing a friend, this thought hadn't even crossed her mind and she thought we were okay. This realization could turn out to be a very good and healthy one for me. Hopefully I'll get to tell her thanks someday.
I often say that my personal mantra is "Love myself - don't care what others think - be myself". Sometimes that's easier said than done, but this week's events has been a powerful reminder of that second part. I need to stop worrying about what others think about me, and especially whether they still wanna be my friend or not. If someone is actually trying to push me away, they're not worth my time. So, her response, even though it completely broke me when I read it the first time, has also rocked a core belief that should've been thrown out a long time ago. It's still there, but I'll try my best going forward to get rid of it.
May 27th - I'm Just Exhausted
How am I doing right now?
I’m exhausted and all I wanna do is cry.
I’ve tried so hard these last couple of years. I’ve fought, I’ve read and learned, I’ve gone to therapy, I’ve challenged myself, I have grown in areas I never thought I would even attempt. I’ve been in a very good place, a place where I felt like I could finally be myself but also one where I liked myself and thought that maybe someday, if I kept going, kept working hard and improving, maybe I could one day learn to love myself.
Problem is, I have an ADHD, depression and anxiety ridden brain that seemingly was bound to regress and force me to take some major steps backwards. First I had a couple of months of constant anxiety that deprived me of sleep, happiness and just going to work every day and functioning like a normal human being was hard enough. So much for continuing to self-improve and grow.
And I failed at getting the anxiety under control. I failed at managing it the way I needed to. I failed.
Eventually the anxiety subsided and I thought maybe I was getting it under control. Turns out, I wasn’t, it was just taking a backseat to give space for something else. I couldn’t control it, I couldn’t stop myself from slipping and soon enough I found myself in a deep depression. Liking myself, feeling happy, enjoying my life all went out the window and I was once again back to the old familiar days of self-loathing, hopelessness and complete and utter darkness.
I failed at recognizing that I was slipping. I failed at managing my depression the way I have to. I failed.
And I failed a friend, someone I love and respect the hell out of, and ended up hurting because that’s who I am; I’m lousy at relationships and my social skills are so bad I have to put in extra effort just to have a normal friendship with someone. But I’m too exhausted. Too exhausted to think clearly, to reflect, to formulate what I wanna say in a proper way instead of a hurtful way. And I ended up hurting a close friend. I made a mistake and my world fell apart, cause that’s what it means to make mistakes with ADHD. That’s what my brain does. It takes one mistake and makes it my whole personality.
I’m a failure and I don’t deserve anyone’s friendship, even with those I haven’t hurt yet.
So, how am I now?
I’m exhausted and all I wanna do is cry.
I’ve been close to breaking down and crying at work because I’m just so damn tired and I know that as soon as the workday is over and I can rush home to be alone with my tears, that’s also all that’s awaiting me. Tears behind closed curtains. Because my body is physically exhausted despite not putting in any more effort than before with a brain that won’t give me a break from the relentless self-loathing and lack of any sort of hope for a brighter future.
And so, I’m just tired. From the moment I wake up until I fall asleep again, I’m just tired. I know I have wonderful friends who I can reach out to, but still I can’t make myself do it because I can’t see myself as anything other than a huge burden and my friends don’t deserve to carry it. And I see myself as a failure, someone who’s going to hurt his closest friends just because his brain isn’t normal. It’s ridden with ADHD, depression and anxiety. And if that’s not enough, throw in some impostor syndrome as well which led to me hurting a friend in the first place.
I can’t escape. I can only exist. I can only stumble around in the darkness as I wait for a sliver of light to guide me. But I don’t know where the light is supposed to come from and for each day I lose more and more hope that the light will ever come.
How am I?
Not great.