LeatherJackerWeather Member Profile

...See more How do you cope if you want to die more often than you want to live? How do you live with yourself when you hate yourself more than anything else? How can you enjoy life when you feel so helpless, that it's hard to get out of bed? How can you reach out to your friends and family when you don't want to burden them with something like this? I mess up a lot. I make a lot of "stupid" mistakes. Perhaps they are stupid, but I literally want to die anytime that I make one. (It happens a lot), and what I'm noticing is a growing trend. I find myself wanting to be dead, or just to be able to disappear forever, more and more, (more than I actually enjoy my life.) I hate myself so much but it's more than that. I'm afraid of myself and I feel so fucking helpless and trapped with myself that it gives me almost debilitating anxiety because I literally won't know what to do with myself, or just how to be, if that makes sense. Occassionally, I'll get a suicidal compulsion.... not urge, but compulsion. (Like I have to try really hard to not cut myself when I'm holding a blade, or not down an entire bottle of whatever pills I happen to find and wash it down with some alcohol) I used to be good at being able to counsel myself through this stuff, but I'm slipping. I'm slipping harder and more frequently. I don't know how to connect with my friends/ family anymore, because I'm too busy trying to put on a happy face, and because they don't deserve to have to deal with my pain.

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