How do you deal with suicidal depression?
How do you cope if you want to die more often than you want to live?
How do you live with yourself when you hate yourself more than anything else?
How can you enjoy life when you feel so helpless, that it's hard to get out of bed?
How can you reach out to your friends and family when you don't want to burden them with something like this?
I mess up a lot. I make a lot of "stupid" mistakes. Perhaps they are stupid, but I literally want to die anytime that I make one. (It happens a lot), and what I'm noticing is a growing trend. I find myself wanting to be dead, or just to be able to disappear forever, more and more, (more than I actually enjoy my life.)
I hate myself so much but it's more than that. I'm afraid of myself and I feel so fucking helpless and trapped with myself that it gives me almost debilitating anxiety because I literally won't know what to do with myself, or just how to be, if that makes sense.
Occassionally, I'll get a suicidal compulsion.... not urge, but compulsion. (Like I have to try really hard to not cut myself when I'm holding a blade, or not down an entire bottle of whatever pills I happen to find and wash it down with some alcohol)
I used to be good at being able to counsel myself through this stuff, but I'm slipping. I'm slipping harder and more frequently. I don't know how to connect with my friends/ family anymore, because I'm too busy trying to put on a happy face, and because they don't deserve to have to deal with my pain.
Hi.
let me start by apologising. I am not qualified to respond to your post. All I can five you is my experience.
i too asked the question "why bother when life is so hard?"
And I did not see the answer till life got better. Bit it did. And now I have the rest of my life to look forward to.
i realised that I could escape from bad upbringing and start my life again. Why should I allow parents, siblings, bullying orteachers hold me back? They were one part of my life - not all of it. After I realised this I started building the life I wanted to have. Happy andwith friends and family that supported me.
like I said. I am not qualified to respond - but please know that where you are now is the beginning and you can choose where to go next in life.
Hey, I can't really say anything to uplift you and I'm sorry for that, only that I understand being afraid of yourself and what you can do. I understand needing to do things and appear a certain way makes you feel like nothing inside. And I understand wanting to die. So that's it really, I understand. xxx
I want to start by saying I am really sorry you are struggling with these dark feelings. I wish that you were not having them. But I also want you to know this is a totally normal part of human existence. Does that help? Maybe not. But what you may be lacking is the skill to manage these feelings. Suicide is NOT managing them. And experiencing them all the time is not managing them. Yes? No one wants you to suffer. No one! But at the same time we all need you. It's true even if it doesn't feel true. So you need to find a mentor and become a mentor as well. You have a profound experience of life that is very valuable to everyone around you. If you choose suicide you will be communicating to everyone around you that this is a reasonable way to handle dark feelings. It is not. Never. You must rally. I'm so glad you found this forum. Let's talk and talk and talk. Forever.
