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LostIntoNothing
17,513 M Progress Road 5
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts91 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2019 Member sinceJune 21, 2019
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I'm lost...
Relationship Stress / by LostIntoNothing
Last post
 June 27th, 2019
...See more It's a long story but I'll try to keep it short. I met this girl online on discord about 4 months ago. We met through a mutual server, and she started showing a lot of affection towards me, and we eventually talked mostly in dms. She had been through a lot, and was still going through a lot, and the caring person inside me decided to care for her. Incidents happened(to her) that made me worry about her deeply, and as time passed my care for her grew stronger, and I eventually developed feelings for her as well. Problem is, some of her actions can be very upsetting and off-putting. For instance she would ignore a whole message. Like if I sent her three messages, she would ignore one or two of them and reply only to one of them. I confronted her about this and she says she doesn't see them, which is honestly hard to believe, but I just went with it. She also likes to have these long pauses inbetween messages. And she also wanders off mid convo, leaving me hanging and waiting for her reply, and sometimes I have to bug her about it for her to answer. I confronted her about this too, asked her if she's ignoring me, and that if she simply doesn't like talking to me that she can say so and I can be gone. She says that's not the case and she likes talking to me and such, which again was hard to believe but I went with it. She does a lot of these things, and it's getting harder for me to believe what's true. Her actions don't match what she's saying. It's like she has a deck of cards in her hands, and she tells me the deck is full of Queens but every time I flip over a card it's a Joker. And don't get me wrong, sometimes it's a Queen, sometimes she seems kinds towards me, but the number of Jokers outweigh the Queens. I've just accepted the fact that maybe that's the type of person she is, especially since she's going through a lot of stuff. But what's bothering me the most is that the affection she once used to show me has been gone for a long time, but as of late she's been showing a lot of it to this other guy in her server. Before she used to tell me everything, and it's like now she doesn't tell me anything and tells this other guy instead. She's been very distant with me and spends a lot of time with this other guy. And I should be happy for her, I really should, but sometimes I get jealous, and sometimes I feel left out. Over the past 3 months I've devoted so much of my effort and resources into her, and I've ached over her plenty times. I've stayed up nights for her, I've gotten her stuff like food and candy a couple times, I've probably spent like $400, because I wanted her to be happy, because she seemed to be so depressed and sad and she was my everything at the time and her happiness was my priority. Now it feels like I did all of this for nothing. I'm sure that she doesn't like me back, and I'm kind of ok with that(or am I? I don't really know anymore), but it also feels like she's treating me lesser than a friend as well. And sometimes I'm able to deal with it, but in the morning I eventually develop feelings for her again(sometimes stronger because I have a dream about her), and I begin to ache and hurt so badly again. She's caused me so much hurt for the past 3 months, but she has also give me happiness. BUt nowadays I don't know, I feel like it's only about her. I know her birthday, her favorite cake, her favorite pie, her favorite colors, her favorite ice-cream, not through observation but because I asked her directly, but I never got the questions asked back. So I guess you could say she doesn't really know me. What's keeping me from calling it quits and leaving entirely is the fact that I have developed a weak spot for her, and the fact that she will be greatly hurt if I leave. I don't know if it was true but she's said a lot of the times that she doesn't want me to leave and how it would really hurt if I left, but her recent behaviour and my jealousy has caused me too much pain and I don't know what to do. I would be fine if she doesn't message me but she always does, and my weakness for her makes me reply back to her. I feel like I've been treated like dogshit and I'm sick and tired of it. But a part of me still wants her and needs her. I wanted to become stronger and still care for her as a friend, but the fact that we still talk almost everyday makes it hard. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm rotting inside. I hope you guys can help me.
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