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Love0331
644 M Embraced 5
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts20 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceApril 23, 2017
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The man who raped me isn’t a bad man
Trauma Support / by Love0331
Last post
 July 21st, 2021
...See more Content Warning : Sexual Assault  The man who raped me is a beloved son. A good friend. An upstanding member of the community. He’s intelligent, kind, and funny. I know this because the man who raped me was my close friend. My best friend of tens years boyfriend. We’ve gone to concerts together. Ate dinner together. Discussed and agreed on politics, world views, and music. The man who raped me has always been kind and respectful to me and everyone around him. Until he wasn’t. Until he got too drunk. Until I was asleep in his home. Until I woke up to him on top of me. Paralyzed. Terrified. Confused. Unable to scream or fight or cry. Until I confronted him the next morning. Until he told me he didn’t know what I was talking about. Until he begged me not to tell his girlfriend, my best friend. Until I told my best friend. Until my best friend told me if something happened I must have wanted it. In the hours after my rape I told my mom and a close friend. I was advised to report. I chose not to. I didn’t want to ruin his life. I didn’t want the stress. I didn’t want everyone to know. I felt guilt. I felt shame. Mostly, I felt more dirty than I can articulate. I felt dirty from the inside out. I cut myself off. Word got out. Friends picked sides. And years have passed. And now they’re getting married. And it’s eating my alive. Maybe I never fully dealt with it. But three years later and it all feels like it just happened last night. I don’t know where to go from here or how to feel or how to cope. Do I cope? Do I let it go? Do I cry it out? My entire life changed in one day. I went to sleep and woke up a different person. How do you get over being raped and not believed?
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