LoveAfterLoss Member Profile

...See more ...and I'm almost grateful that things happened the way they did. If I hadn't found out what she did, then maybe today I would still be trapped in the same joyless, futureless relationship as I was before. So... maybe... thanks, guy who pretended to be my friend just so he could get closer to my girlfriend. I will never forgive you, or her. But that doesn't mean I will hold on to my past resentment. Sure, it hurt like hell. I couldn't trust anyone for months. I had anxiety. I couldn't sleep. But therapy, friends, and following past burrowed dreams (and making them come true!) filled me back with self-confidence and love for life! I have so much to live for. And then I met you again, after years of not seeing you. I have always liked you. Or, at least, the person you were. Sure, in the years while I was living with my ex, I had to push you to the back of my mind. But you still popped up every now and then in my memories, maybe to remind me that the path I was following wasn't the path I wanted. When I saw you again, after some months of healing, I was so happy when you greeted me like nothing had happened. It didn't take long for me to become enamored by you. Because, by that point, I was addicted to making my dreams come true. And I realized then that you were a part of these dreams. Sure, I had to wait a bit and hold myself back, since there was a chance this was me being needy or fragile after having my heart broken. But now that I am whole again, I have no more reasons to be suspicious: I'm in love with you. Now I find myself jumping at every opportunity I have to be with you. I know, that despite you being over 25, that you don't have much experience with boys. You're shy, reserved. And that's okay. I love that about you. Just as much as I love the way you talk, the way you laugh with your whole head, the way your voice changes an octave when you say hello to me... or when you say goodbye. But now I have to manage this situation where I'm just happy to be with you, that I end up agreeing to meet up with you and your (now our) friends. You only show your true, social self to your friends and family, and now you're showing it to me too. And I love those moments. But I want to be alone with you, so we can learn more about each other. Build rapport. I've finally asked you out last weekend, because we had a rare minute where we re alone. You responded with a nervous stutter and dodged the question. I didn't press it. I don't want to scare you away. Your friend told me no one had ever asked you out before. So you didn't know how to react. Even she can't read your true feelings. I don't think you even realized that I was being serious... But I'm going to do it again. And again. I know I'll have to be patient with you. I'll keep asking you out until you give me a 'no' that I know is sincere, and not just an automatic response that your mind outputs because you're afraid of getting hurt. Or until you give me a yes... and if so, it will be so difficult for me to contain my excitement. I'm no longer afraid of making things weird among our group of friends. Because that can always be fixed later. What I'm really afraid of, is not acting on my feelings. I will never, ever again let myself have that feeling of never knowing, of living with a permanent "what if" inside my mind. And now I'm here, sitting in my room, magicking up ways to be together with you again. Thankfully we had already arranged a Halloween party for next weekend. With our friends, of course. 7 people in one tiny apartment. I'll make the most of it, and enjoy myself. Because I really like them. But will I have a chance to talk just with you again? To ask you out again? I don't know. What I know is that after that, I'll go back to trying to come up with ways to be with you again. I'm running out of ideas. But not of hope. Because I'm in love for the first time after... huh, oh, wow. When I'm thinking about you, I even forget that thing ever happened. To everyone out there who has suffered traumatic experiences, please, I want you to know of the power of therapy, as well as opening up your heart to those closer to you. Things can ALWAYS get better, even if nothing seems to be going your way right now. I promise.

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