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LucyV
102 M Embraced 1
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 1970 Member sinceMay 24, 2015
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Eating Disorder Support / by LucyV
Last post
 May 25th, 2015
...See more a few months ago, i started starving myself. i'd only do it for a few days, maybe three or four, and then i'd stop - i'd start wanting junk food again and i'd think "ha, whatever, who cares about being thin?" i was able to stop starving whenever i wanted, and it had no impact on my mood or well-being. the past two months, though, it's become hell. my starvation periods have gotten longer and longer, now usually a week and a half at a time getting under three hundred calories, and my periods of regular eating afterwards lasting maybe twelve days - an equal amount of time as i'd starve, if not less. when i'm not eating, i'm generally in a good mood. sometimes i'm sad and it gets depressing lying to everyone so much about what i've been eating - "yeah, i had lunch, mom" - but i just blast twenty one pilots and get over it. i can look at the scale without crying. i know that, well, at least i'm gonna be thin! everything about me feels validated and better - "my day hasn't been a waste, i got a little skinnier." i'm hungry and i'm tired but everything else is going awesome. i let the bruises on my wrist heal up. i'm extremely depressed when i am eating. i've clawed at my wrists until there are patches of it raw and bleeding. music is my favorite thing in the entire world and is one of the only things that always makes me feel okay, and when i eat, i restrict myself from even that. i can't stop thinking about stabbing myself or overdosing on something i find in the cabinet. it's like when i stop restricting my food, i restrict myself of anything and everything that makes me happy. i don't even have the motivation to shower, brush my teeth, do laundry. everyone else can starve themselves for longer. no one else has periods where they eat normally for that long. everyone else is underweight. i'm 150 pounds and 5'6" - my bmi is 24.21, which is considered "healthy." i don't know what to do. i feel like this gross, fat, faker on the internet with no real problems. i still do think that i'm just on a diet. does anyone know what could be going on?  
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