what is this?
a few months ago, i started starving myself. i'd only do it for a few days, maybe three or four, and then i'd stop - i'd start wanting junk food again and i'dthink "ha, whatever, who cares about being thin?" i wasable to stop starving whenever i wanted, and it had no impact on my mood or well-being.
the past two months, though, it's become hell. my starvation periods have gotten longer and longer, now usually a week and a half at a time getting under three hundred calories, and my periods of regular eating afterwards lasting maybe twelve days - an equal amount of time as i'd starve, if not less.
when i'm not eating, i'm generally in a good mood. sometimes i'm sad and it gets depressing lying to everyone so much about what i've been eating - "yeah, i had lunch, mom" - but i just blast twenty one pilots and get over it.i can look at the scale without crying. i know that, well, at least i'mgonna be thin! everything about me feels validated and better - "my day hasn't been a waste, i got a little skinnier." i'm hungry and i'm tired but everything else is going awesome. i let the bruises on my wrist heal up.
i'mextremely depressed when i am eating. i'veclawed at my wrists until there are patches of it raw and bleeding. music is my favorite thing in the entire world and is one of the only things that always makes me feel okay, and when i eat, i restrict myself from even that. i can't stop thinking about stabbing myself or overdosing on something i find in the cabinet.it's like when i stop restricting my food, i restrict myself of anything and everything that makes me happy. i don't even have the motivation to shower, brush my teeth, do laundry.
everyone else can starve themselves for longer. no one else has periods where they eat normally for that long. everyone else is underweight. i'm 150 pounds and 5'6" - my bmi is 24.21, which is considered "healthy." i don't know what to do. i feel like this gross, fat, faker on the internet with no real problems. i still do think that i'm just on a diet. does anyone know what could be going on?
I'm not a doctor but I can tell you as someone who's gotten over anorexia, it's probably just your body and mind fighting themselves. Your mind is saying no I need to be thin, leave me alone so I can do this. Only thing is, your body is built to protect itself, maybe even from you. Once you enter starvation mode, your body is going to make you want normal food. This will make you get back to regular eating habits, which your body will enjoy after so long without food in proper amounts. You also said something about restricting things that make you happy, meaning you (mentally and physically will want them more). All in all I think it might be normal for someone with your condition.
I agree - it's really common with an eating disorder for your mind and body to war with each other, but it's not even your true mind, it's the eating disorder speaking for you. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain right now. Do you think it might help to talk to someone about it or to tell a family member or friend so you can get more support and help?
I feel the same as you, although I eat around 500 calories not 300. it's horrible feeling this way, i feel like a faker too.
