I was 12 when it happened. I noticed a few of my peers still in the "Girls? Ew, cooties!" phase but a growing percentage were starting to see girls in a new light. I didn't share their enthusiasm, but seeing so many caught up in the feelings, something must be up.

Then I had the realization that my attentions weren't toward girls. To my horror, my sexual attractions were toward men.

I made sure not to show emotion. I will change the subject when it came up. I dove into school work to get my attention to other things. It did occur to me that there is a word for it, and if there is a word, there has to be someone who is going through this. Where are they? They all must be hiding, so that is what I must do.

I continued the denial. I tried self-flagellation, so I must have read about that somewhere. I tried christianity, and contemplated suicide continuously until around 16.

At around 17 I had a thought - if there is one god, how come there are so many ways to worship? Even in just protestantism there are presbyterians, methodists, baptists, episcopalians. If there is one god, he must prefer one or the other; how can there be so many? The answer must be to find the one true christianity, convert to that, follow the precepts, and then this condition will be cured.

I found such a church, one that claimed they had the true interpretation of the new testament and all other interpretations were pathways to hell. I followed diligently, studied daily as well as prayed. This went on a few years.

I was back in California in 1978. The election that year included a Proposition 6 that would ban "homosexuals" from teaching in public schools. The preacher was all for it, exhorting everyone to join him getting such people from promoting their lifestyle.

I had to leave.

And then Harvey Milk was killed. The call went out, if you are gay, come out. It took me several months, I found the support needed, but eventually, I came out of hiding.