Madamoizillion Member Profile

...See more This is a long post. Sorry. My problem is pretty specific so I'm hoping someone can help me out here. I have persistent depressive disorder, reaching back for at least about 14 years, since I was a child (I'm now in my mid-twenties). I feel like the more severe depression has abated somewhat due to leaving abusive conditions and starting to get a kind of stable existence, but I'm left with this extreme lack of... Anything. Of me. It seems like most of what I've read is targeted to people that are or have been going through a depressive episode of a maximum of 2 years, before which, supposedly, they were normal functioning people with lives containing things they looked forward to and enjoyed doing. The tips contained in these books and articles all pretty much say the same thing: push yourself to do the activities and hobbies you found enjoyable before and seek the support of family and friends. Some issues: 1. I've been in a state of anxiety and depression for virtually as long as it counts. All of my developing years: when people usually explore who they are and what makes them them and have a chance to try and fail and discover what they like. But I don't really remember finding anything enjoyable. I look back and can't remember anything I did during the summer or after school-- I think I mostly read and slept in order to pass the time. I didn't like sports, creative projects felt like a chore though I frequently was complimented on my abilities in drawing and design, most things took too much energy to be pleasurable. School would exhaust me to the point of being unable to talk from the effort. I would try things and quickly become bored and frustrated with the effort, despite being an intelligent child and teen. 2. I have no friends or supportive family. I've never really had friends. I don't know how to make them and social situations are overwhelming, demoralizing, and stressful. 3. Medication doesn't really have an effect. Four years running with multiple kinds of antideppressants and anti-anxiety and yeah, my brain is still pretty garbage. 4. Therapy doesn't really help either. I think I've seen 7 counselors in my life and it's been a frustrating experience to hear the same things from each of them despite me explicitly describing the problems and saying what hasn't worked before. So I don't know what to do. I'm going from a state of pretty consuming depression to a slightly less depressed existence but it's at a point where things feel bleak BECAUSE I'm somewhat emerging and realizing I have nothing. I literally look through lists of hobbies and nothing excites me. I mean, I can't even think of food that would be enjoyable when I'm hungry. My brain seems incapable of the most basic rewards that are kind of the foundation of living things staying living. Does anyone have ANY suggestions, similar stories, resources---ANYTHING. I want to know what it feels like to be a kind of normal, unbroken human.

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