How do I rebuild from scratch?
This is a long post. Sorry. My problem is pretty specific so I'm hoping someone can help me out here. I have persistent depressive disorder, reaching back for at least about 14 years, since I was a child (I'm now in my mid-twenties). I feel like the more severe depression has abated somewhat due to leaving abusive conditions and starting to get a kind of stable existence, but I'm left with this extreme lack of... Anything. Of me.
It seems like most of what I've read is targeted to people that are or have been going through a depressive episode of a maximum of 2 years, before which, supposedly, they were normal functioning people with lives containing things they looked forward to and enjoyed doing. The tips contained in these books and articles all pretty much say the same thing: push yourself to do the activities and hobbies you found enjoyable before and seek the support of family and friends.
Some issues:
1. I've been in a state of anxiety and depression for virtually as long as it counts. All of my developing years: when people usually explore who they are and what makes them them and have a chance to try and fail and discover what they like. But I don't really remember finding anything enjoyable. I look back and can't remember anything I did during the summer or after school-- I think I mostly read and slept in order to pass the time. I didn't like sports, creative projects felt like a chore though I frequently was complimented on my abilities in drawing and design, most things took too much energy to be pleasurable. School would exhaust me to the point of being unable to talk from the effort. I would try things and quickly become bored and frustrated with the effort, despite being an intelligent child and teen.
2. I have no friends or supportive family. I've never really had friends. I don't know how to make them and social situations are overwhelming, demoralizing, and stressful.
3. Medication doesn't really have an effect. Four years running with multiple kinds of antideppressants and anti-anxiety and yeah, my brain is still pretty garbage.
4. Therapy doesn't really help either. I think I've seen 7 counselors in my life and it's been a frustrating experience to hear the same things from each of them despite me explicitly describing the problems and saying what hasn't worked before.
So I don't know what to do. I'm going from a state of pretty consuming depression to a slightly less depressed existence but it's at a point where things feel bleak BECAUSE I'm somewhat emerging and realizing I have nothing. I literally look through lists of hobbies and nothing excites me. I mean, I can't even think of food that would be enjoyable when I'm hungry. My brain seems incapable of the most basic rewards that are kind of the foundation of living things staying living.
Does anyone have ANY suggestions, similar stories, resources---ANYTHING. I want to know what it feels like to be a kind of normal, unbroken human.
Fellow "broken" human here. I have had depression for 14 years now myself (late twenties). Alot of what you described resonated with me. I have been feeling even more "broken" lately. I haven't taken my own advice as of yet, but I think cognitive behavioral therapy might help you. You would need to find a therapist that specializes in it. They will give you homework, it will help you to work on yourself outside of just therapy sessions.
I am trying to make myself get out of my house and find a CBT therapist. I kind of think I might have adhd (maybe look into that yourself and discuss it with a therapist?) or something, maybe depression is acting like it. Nothing is enjoyable to me. I love my pets and husband, but lately, I can't feel it. I will laugh, but then realize I actually didn't experience any enjoyment.
Going through the motions and lugging this human body around has been mentally draining.
I really don't know what you can do. I read a line in some book that said "motivation comes after action." Just thinking about that has helped me at least work on some household chores. I will randomly find myself cleaning, which leads me to clean more. Again, I feel like I am just lugging around this body and using its hands to wipe down counters, or take out trash, but it keeps me moving. Also, along the thought process of "motivation comes after action," I have forced myself to play The Sims (a game I knew I used to enjoy playing). At least in that moment, I enjoyed it. I know I slightly enjoy things when I start on them, just the motivation is the hard part.
Easier said than done, and probably suggestions that have been reiterated a you a thousand times over, but hopefully it helps. Or is just something to think about.
One day we will feel normal again.
Broken, but not yet defeated.
@MyEyeSore
Hey, thanks for the reply. Just today I was wondering if maybe there's some comorbidity with ADD as in the past my boyfriend (who was diagnosed with ADHD as a child) has mentioned I have some very similar tendencies. Things feel so... boring. The best I can describe it is just that I have seemingly lost the ability to feel inspiration--inspiration to feel fun, to do something creative, to do something important, to be excited about anything. I don't know how to get a definitive diagnosis on it, or what rules it out, because while I can be forgetful of what I'm saying, tune out what others say, become highly distracted by noise/activity/conversation and losing my words, become bored with things and people easily, I'm also paradoxically the most detail-oriented person I know. I can spot something wrong or out of place faster than anyone else and can remember details about tiny things, down to virtually exact dates someone brought something up in conversation. I can also sit somewhere watching something like a bird or the leaves of a plant for a very long time. Additionally I hate interrupting others and being interrupted and I thought that was a big piece of an ADD diagnosis. I don't know. There seems to be some very in line traits and some completely opposite traits.
I've read a bit about CBT and also some about interpersonal therapy and I guess the trick is finding someone who actually knows what they're doing. Those treatments have become such a buzzword in the psych community and there are a lot of therapists out there that just don't really know their stuff.
It definitely is easier to give advice to others than to take it yourself.