Maria1411 Member Profile

...See more Hi everyone! I will start this post by saying that English is not my first language (I'm French, and I never found a plateform like this one in my language), so I'm sorry in advance if I make any grammatical mistake... My name is Marie (woman) and I'm 19, turning 20 this autumn, I'm currently in my second year of university. With each year passing I've been feeling more and more of a burden on my chest whenever I think about myself. It's kind of difficult to explain how I feel... For example when I imagine what people think about be (wether it's about my personnality or my physical appearance) I just start hyper ventilating (I think that's the right word???) and my heart beats so fast and I want to cry... This feeling also comes when I think about my future, or when I have my "self awarness" phase and I just start hating myself for every single thing that I have done in my life. I've never believed in myself, and I think I've started hating myself in middle school. I was bullied for more than a year when I was 12/13, some girls would start hanging out with me just to make fun of me, yell at me, tell me I'm ugly, tell me I'm an idiot. They used to look down on me at every single occasion they had. Eventually I stopped being friends with them, I think it was around december... And then the nightmare started for real. My whole class started bullying me, throwing their bags at me, breaking my stuff, laughing behind my back. I would lock myself up in the girls bathroom at lunchtime so that no one could see me eating alone at the school's cafeteria. I was so skinny back then, it was scary. Anyways, even if I realise now that my current issues might come from there, it was 8 years ago! Why can't I feel better?? Even if I'm not pretty, I'm still way better than I used to, I have some real friends now even if I can count them on a single hand... Why can't I just love myself? Why can't I just believe in myself? Why is it so difficult for me to step out of my house and go outside? Why is it so difficult to speak in front of people who are looking at me? Why is it so difficult to even write this post, knowing that people might read it??? My heart is in pain and I feel like someone is pressing on my chest with all their strenth so that I can't breathe! I just feel so empty... My head is full of thoughts all the time but my life and my heart are bland. Nothing is important to me, the only things that make me happy are things that are keeping me away from people, locking me up in my head. Sometimes it just feel so much better to wander around in my head and do nothing else. I'm sorry if this post is messy, I don't even know if it's comprehensible... But thank you for reading that far, I hope you'll be okay too, whatever your issue is... Have a good day/night !

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