Why I feel like I need to talk here
Hi everyone!
I will start this post by saying that English is not my first language (I'm French, and I never found a plateform like this one in my language), so I'm sorry in advance if I make any grammatical mistake...
My name is Marie (woman) and I'm 19, turning 20 this autumn, I'm currently in my second year of university. With each year passing I've been feeling more and more of a burden on my chest whenever I think about myself. It's kind of difficult to explain how I feel... For example when I imagine what people think about be (wether it's about my personnality or my physical appearance) I just start hyper ventilating (I think that's the right word???) and my heart beats so fast and I want to cry... This feeling also comes when I think about my future, or when I have my "self awarness" phase and I just start hating myself for every single thing that I have done in my life. I've never believed in myself, and I think I've started hating myself in middle school. I was bullied for more than a year when I was 12/13, some girls would start hanging out with me just to make fun of me, yell at me, tell me I'm ugly, tell me I'm an idiot. They used to look down on me at every single occasion they had. Eventually I stopped being friends with them, I think it was around december... And then the nightmare started for real. My whole class started bullying me, throwing their bags at me, breaking my stuff, laughing behind my back. I would lock myself up in the girls bathroom at lunchtime so that no one could see me eating alone at the school's cafeteria. I was so skinny back then, it was scary.
Anyways, even if I realise now that my current issues might come from there, it was 8 years ago! Why can't I feel better?? Even if I'm not pretty, I'm still way better than I used to, I have some real friends now even if I can count them on a single hand... Why can't I just love myself? Why can't I just believe in myself? Why is it so difficult for me to step out of my house and go outside? Why is it so difficult to speak in front of people who are looking at me? Why is it so difficult to even write this post, knowing that people might read it??? My heart is in pain and I feel like someone is pressing on my chest with all their strenth so that I can't breathe!
I just feel so empty... My head is full of thoughts all the time but my life and my heart are bland. Nothing is important to me, the only things that make me happy are things that are keeping me away from people, locking me up in my head. Sometimes it just feel so much better to wander around in my head and do nothing else.
I'm sorry if this post is messy, I don't even know if it's comprehensible... But thank you for reading that far, I hope you'll be okay too, whatever your issue is...
Have a good day/night !
@Maria1411 Hi Marie!
It sounds like all the bad things that happened 8 years ago still cause you great distress, even after all this time. They prevent you from living the life you want to live, and you're not able to change this on your own. I've heard that therapists can often help people who have been affected by past events in this way, and I wonder whether therapy might be an option for you.
Of course you can also chat to listeners here about your situation, and I hope that chatting to listeners might be some help.
If you'd ever like to chat to me, just click on my profile picture and message me. Unfortunately my French is not good and we would have to chat in English, but your English is very good!
Charlie
Hey, ironically, I am around the same age as Marie (21 turning 22) and english is also not my first language and I too am in my second year at university. Why I talk on here is simple: a few years ago I tried to open up to my teacher about the fact that my mother used to throw her shoes at me from time to time and would try to pitch me against my own father after their divorce. Back then my teacher was unable to understand and since then I never tried to talk to anyone again. Instead I simply locked my fear and pain away inside of me.
Now, for about five years I have been suffering under episodes where those memories would resurface and I would feel down for days. I feel as if no one of my family cares about me and as if I can't help but hide who I am really am from then. Like I always wear a mask around them.
Yeah, so that is my reason to talk.
@nightlyforest hi, i can feel what are you feel. Family problems is also part of my life. Can we talk and become friend? Lets strong together