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It's really bad that I almost started this post off with "I used to have a fairy-tale relationship." Heh, I'm still getting used to not saying that anymore. It wasn't. I am a bit of a control freak, and I'm used to being in control of my relationships. However, three years ago, I met a boy who changed it all. I had never felt so powerless. He had led me to jump into a relationship, then a month later, left me for another girl. A month or so of that drama happened, and then he let me "win" my place in his heart. I had been self-harming for a couple years prior, and after a couple months with him, I stopped. I didn't understand why until after the break up. DURING the relationship, I thought it was because he was my DREAM GUY (insert girlish squeal here). I had given up my virginity to him, I spent all of my money on him, and he paid me back with words that made me feel so special. He had a way of masking the bad aspects of our relationship with speeches of love and fluffy words and metaphors. However as the relationship went on, I started to notice how much he blew me off, the girls he started talking to, the multiple times I caught him cheating, the mean things he said to me,... It got to the point where he became physically abusive. But I also noticed, and even more so, how increasingly elaborate and "loving" these cover-up speeches got that happened after the abuse. So, I became trapped. I stopped cutting myself because I was getting all the emotional and physical hurt I needed from this boy. Yet I also loved the way I felt when he whispered how special and beautiful I was while cuddling mere minutes after the abuse. So I figured, I was a monster, he was a monster, I would rather him hurt me than let ME hurt me. I liked being out of control because for once, the marks on my body weren't a product of made up problems in my head, they were real, it "wasn't my fault", and that gave me a sort of satisfaction. So, before I really go on and write a novel, I'll cut to the chase. We broke up, it was freeing when I snapped out of my brainwashing. I'm still having some trouble fully admitting that I didn't deserve all of the abuse, but the thought is there and that's something he can't take away. However, I'm entering a new relationship. It's been about half a year, and this man is a whole different person. He has a big issue with men who abuse their partners, and he's just so much more... genuine. He wants to give ME the world on a silver platter, no strings attached. I know that the potential for a good, healthy relationship is there. But it's only been a couple weeks and I can feel my paranoia coming back, my insecurity and anxiety have shot through the roof, and my self-harm has gotten worse. I would love to get help and cuddle and talk from/to my new boyfriend, but he's states away in the navy and wont be home for five more months. We can only talk for about an hour each day and I refuse to spend that precious hour burdening him down with problems he didn't even cause. He means so much to me, but I can't seem to fix what the last boy broke, is there any way I can fix myself while being in this new relationship? My new boyfriend wants me to be the woman he comes home to, settles down with. Every Navy man's dream hehe. I don't want to let him down. I don't want to be the basket case I was six months ago. I want to be healthy, but I don't want to have to leave him to do it. It's just my mind is not letting me take this relationship for what it is: smooth, easy. My new boyfriend knows my past and what I went through, he's trying so hard to be everything I want and need. And he's doing such a great job, I just hate myself for not being able to get with the times and not get so paranoid about those stupid "what ifs" and "I'm not worthy of ___"'s. Am I just not ready?
